Asking children to pay for their own living expenses

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Chocolate

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:31 pm

I left home and started boarding when I was 16, due to my dysfunctional parents. I didn't have to pay room and board, but I worked after school to have $ for necessities and clothes, and couldn't afford much, but it gave me independence. After I graduated and started working I paid a a bit to cover room and board.

Anyway I think a working 19 year old is more than ready to pay for some of her own expenses, I.e. clothes, eating out, toiletries, travel. Unless shes putting her whole paycheck in savings. Some 19 year olds are almost married for goodness sake!

snooper86

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 10:53 pm

What does everyone mean by paying for toiletries? I would think that’s something parents should provide... including makeup if you want her to look presentable in order to get married one day. (Unless she’s one of the lucky ones who looks awesome without it Wink

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:19 pm

snooper86 wrote:

By toiletries I mean anything she doesn't share with household, such as makeup and deodorant.

Why can't she pay for makeup if she's working?

Or rather, why is she working if shes getting everything handed to her? Is it because shes saving the money? 19 is not a little child. She can have some personal responsibility.

amother

Burgundy

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:25 am

At that age, I would spend on my own credit card, and my parents would pay me back for whatever they thought was reasonable.

For example, if I did a big toiletry shopping, they would pay be back for shampoo, conditioner, moisturizer, etc. but not every extra pimple cream and item of makeup (again if it was reasonable they would pay.)

Same for clothing, my parents would pay for some new outfits every once in a while, but if I wanted expensive extras it was on me.

ChanieMommy

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:26 am

She definitly should pay for her own stuff...

I would even "charge" for rent and board, and put the money into a savings account for her.
this has several advantages:
1) She will have savings
2) She learns to calculate what rent & board cost, so she will have a more realistic feel of what the money she earns is worth...

amother

Olive

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 2:05 am

Very reasonable, at least phone bills, extras . 19 is old enough to get a sense of money.

My friends who didn't have to do it had a hard time budgeting at first while married

amother

Beige

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 2:20 am

My parents gave me everything until I got married at age 26. I was working for several years, and I used my money for when I went out with friends, went shopping by myself, or to save, including buying stocks. I was never spoiled, I learned responsibility from seeing what my parents did, and I was well-prepared for marriage, with savings.

My teenagers make some money which I keep in an account for them. When they want certain expensive extras, it comes from their money. I pay for everything else, including clothing, happily. I definitely feel that it breeds security.

baby12x

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 2:42 am

ChanieMommy wrote:

This is a bad idea.... sorry! Not trying to be mean and I will explain what I mean.

You should have your kids save. But they should do it themselves.
Encourage them to open a saving account. You can sit with them but have THEM do it.
Have them transfer money every month. Show them how to do an automatic transfer.
That way they can see for themselves how the money adds up and how it grows.
This will get her in the habit of saving and she will know how a bank account works.
If you do it for her then its just one more thing you aren't letting her do on her own.
If you want to teach your kids responsibility then they have to do it themselves.

Besides, that in the real world they will have to save money and pay room and board so its definitely something you need to encourage and teach now.

amother

Silver

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:47 am

Once I was working, I was expected to pay for anything extra I decided I wanted. Ex: extra shopping trips beyond the 2 formal ones my mother and I took each year, going out to eat with friends, make up and hair accessories, picking up lunch because I didn't bother making it at home, gifts for friends etc. At some point I also started doing small errands for my parents (picking up 3 things at the store)with my own money to contribute (my own idea).
I had a sibling who was still living at home past 30, with a very good job- he is asked to continue on a more regular basis

amother

Pumpkin

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:10 am

amother [ Oak ] wrote:

My parents took my paycheck at that age, I did not have a credit card or cell phone until I got married. I did not attend college.
My parents repaid me once I got married in monthly installments for 7 years.

Confused about this post. Why would your parents take your paycheck?

amother

Pink

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:20 am

I have a 19 year old that's working and in college.

We paid for her full sem year in Israel. Dd is paying for college. We paid for books and laptop.

So far we have been paying for everything else. We are considering giving her a monthly budget for clothing, eating out... and anything left over can be used to pay for college.

yidisheh mama

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

What’s considered “basic stuff?” I wouldn’t ask for room and board, isn’t that the basics (ie any/all food in the house or when we go out to eat as a family, use of any toiletries or items in the house...)? I guess I’m asking mainly about clothing, going out to eat with friends, entertainment, etc. Is all that considered basic stuff too?

It's important for her to start saving, but just as important to learn to use her money responsibly. She needs to experience spending money that she worked hard earning, and needing to weigh wants vs needs, and what wants among those are worth spending on. Basics are things you should still cover.
Basics is toiletries, groceries, etc. She can use whatever you buy. Extra is when she wants a special, expensive hair cream that "all her friends" have so when she blow dries her hair it'll be extra fancy, or things like that.
Clothing can be either way. It can be considered basic or extra. What you can do is pay for some of her clothes (the amount you feel is necessary) and she can buy whatever accessories or extra clothes she wants.
Going out to eat with friends is something she should definitely pay for. Also any extra takeout food, like if she decides she wants to buy sushi for lunch at the place next to her work, or a sandwich in the bagel shop...
If she's new at doing her makeup, you can take her to a shop where they match up whatever colors are best and show her how to apply everything, and you can gift her that initial set of makeup. As she runs out of things, she can refill on her own.

DREAMING

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:39 am

Things like - transportation to work, eating out with friends or friends engagement gift, extra clothes I paid for

amother

Coffee

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:22 am

I too am paying for college.
DD pays for what she buys on her own time.
If I say let's get some dresses for YT, I pay. If she was (-in a non-COVID world) out with friends and they went to the mall, she would pay (unless it was my instructions I.e.-when you are in the mall with your friends, please check out YT dresses and buy 2 because I don't have time to take you).
If she goes to CVS pharmacy and wants makeup/hairspray...that is on her. If I go to Costco, I will call and see if her shower need shampoo and which kind she likes. Food with friends-her. Bowling with friends-her. We go as a family-me. If she does my grocery shopping and adds some extras-I pay. If she picks up something on her way home that she wants-her.

She happens to be very fiscally responsible.
I also have very generous parents who will still pay for things for me if they are with me, and clearly I'm not in my 20s if my daughter is.

amother

Red

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:26 am

I would just reframe- this is in no way making her pay ‘living expenses’ and both u and her shouldn’t look at it that way- this is you taking care of her and her paying for extras.

icebreaker

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:35 am

Yes, she should be paying for things that are not necessities, so phone bill, going out with her friends, nails (if she’s into that), clothes, etc.

amother

Khaki

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 5:38 am

For all those saying parents should basically pay for everything till she gets married....just curious what your thoughts are if you would have a daughter who stays single for awhile. Would you still take her for a shopping trip when she is 30 and buy her YT clothes? Still be paying for her car?

I was single for awhile. So I was able to observe what things were like for my friends who either married very young and/or had been used to parents taking care of them financially. Most had a hard adjustment when it came to finances. These were also the ones who were upset when they felt their parents didn't do enough when it came to buying baby gifts or house buying or even furniture when they got married. Or simply expected certain things to be paid for.

Whereas those who weren't (even if they didn't have big savings for whatever reason) were much more realistic when it came to finances. (And less entitled, dare I say.)

stillnewlywed

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:04 am

She definitely can pay for going out with friends, entertainment, clothing and makeup.

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:11 am

The enighbor's son worked to pay for israeli yeshiva

amother

Slateblue

Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:01 am

Wow, a thread where everyone agrees!!!!

I have just one thing to add: whatever arrangement you decide on, make sure it is clear to both of you, so no misunderstandings.

Also, if she is going shopping for you/the family, please make sure she either has you cc, or pay her back ASAP, without her needing to ask.

I had to remind my dad ten times to pay me back for the family cleaners bill, grocery, cleaning lady ect. At a certain point, it became too uncomfortable.

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