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How do I become a more relaxed mother?

 
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thegiver




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:03 pm
I sound annoyed and pressured and intense a lot. I just wish I could be happy go lucky and never rush them and never be annoyed with them. It's definitely in my tone of voice and always saying hurry or sighing or critisizing...what gives you perspective to slow down and not get annoyed and be pleasant around your kids most of the time?

Thank you!!! Kids are under 10 yo (to baby)
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:12 pm
I found the books 'siblings without rivalry' and 'how to talk so your kids listen, and how to listen so your kids talk' really helped me have more positive interactions with my kids than negative, and overrall improved our relationship and daily interactions
sometimes listening/reading tragic stories abt sick kids, or ppl who don't have kids helped remind me to appreciate my kids do normal annoying stuff (like my 6 yr old who refuses to cut his nails so he can pick his nose better, uch!!!) writing down the cute stuff they do. (they r only kids once!!)
I am not the happy go lucky type by nature, but this def helped ease a lot of the daily pressures.
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Mommy1:)




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:13 pm
what really helps me is to take a few minutes - or even just 1 minute on the clock - to play with each one on their own level. For example, tonight the baby was playing with a toy car. I came over and she put it down, so I picked it up and played with it like she was, running it back and forth, but added a noise. I put it down, and she put it back in my hand and made the noise back at me... she picked up my hand, like she wanted me to do it again. We were communicating in her language.

It helps keep the connection between us, helps remind me where they're at in their development and their abilities to follow instruction and do what's expected. Helps calm me and keep me grounded.

And the kids love it too.
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hello321




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 15 2020, 11:37 pm
Remind yourself that they are only going to be small once and one day you were going to miss this stage. Try to think of the bigger picture instead of the moment.
Also try to tell yourself what’s the worst thing if for example something spills on the floor OK it’s a mess so we clean it up and move on. I try to have that attitude even if something breaks. OK so it breaks let’s move on and not get upset the kids will remember your reaction more than you remember the broken vase.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:08 am
Ugh me too more than I will admit... and then I read all the gentle parenting insta posts and feel so bad how I messed up.
I don't have so much patience like I wish I did... and will often get upset when things spill, even though I know its really not a big deal. I get pretty anxious when there's a lot of mess around me.
I do try to take a step back when I'm feeling that way and take a break, breathe a little, take a drink or eat something.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:11 am
I like reading HandsFreeMama for that. https://www.handsfreemama.com/.....y-up/

Also just time. I'm more relaxed than I used to be, just by virtue of getting older and learning the hard way again and again that it will be okay even not on my schedule, and that the broken/screaming/messy whatever really isn't such a big deal.

It's still something I need to work on, giving my kids time, not rolling my eyes too often, and spending time enjoying them. But I definitely got better with time, even without actively DOING something about it.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:29 am
Mommy1:) wrote:
what really helps me is to take a few minutes - or even just 1 minute on the clock - to play with each one on their own level. For example, tonight the baby was playing with a toy car. I came over and she put it down, so I picked it up and played with it like she was, running it back and forth, but added a noise. I put it down, and she put it back in my hand and made the noise back at me... she picked up my hand, like she wanted me to do it again. We were communicating in her language.

It helps keep the connection between us, helps remind me where they're at in their development and their abilities to follow instruction and do what's expected. Helps calm me and keep me grounded.

And the kids love it too.


And it encourages children to follow your instructions when most instructions are pleasant to them, I.e. for things they want to do...
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:49 am
Lots of great advice here.

I'll add the one that got me through. Empathy.

Put yourself in your child's shoes, and imagine the situation from their point of view. It's so HARD to be a 2 year old! It's really frustrating to be 4! You're 8 years old, and half the time they expect you to act like a grownup, and half the time you wish they would - except for the times you want to be babied, and you're jealous of the little ones.

You think YOU'RE frustrated? Remember what it's like to be a little person who is at the mercy of a big person. They can't understand why cookies have to come AFTER dinner, and not before. Says who? Why not? It's not fair!

Being a kid is a big job, and sometimes it's really scary. Your kids need you to understand how they feel. Just as importantly, they need you to be a ROCK in their emotionally stormy sea. You are the center of their existence, no matter how hard they may rage against it in the moment. When you tuck them into bed at night and say Shema, they will know that they are safe, and have survived another day.

So next time one of your kids is whining, try to imagine what it must look like inside their head. If you can connect your emotions with them, at their level, you'll find yourselves working more as a team, and less oppositionally.

Another great thing, is the more annoyed you get, the softer and lower your voice should be. It's really hard to yell at someone, when the other person is speaking very low and quietly. It's called "vocal matching", and we do it all the time without even thinking about it. It's a built in survival mechanism.

There's a recent video out about an airline passenger who was having some kind of entitled hissy fit. The airline staff kept their cool the whole time. If they had raised their voices, things would have escalated from zero to 60.

We all have people we want to yell at, but when they yell back it just makes us feel worse, and nobody gets heard. There is no problem solving happening in that moment.

It just takes a couple of seconds. As soon as one of your kids gets on your nerves, tell yourself "softly". That will remind you that you have control over the tone of the conversation. It takes two to tantrum! Very Happy

When all else fails, there's always Cheers ChillPill cake Coffee Music
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 6:11 am
Adjust you expectations. Kids are kids, not mini adults! They won't know what hasn't been taught, and they won't be good at what they haven't practiced enough. Try to remember that everything you know comes from years of practice and experience. For example, YOU know how to put together all the pieces involved in getting out of the house: dress, bathroom, shoes, make sure you have your phone, wallet, and keys. It seems obvious now. But your kids need to be taught all those steps and need to practice a lot to remember that they need to do all of those things, as they get older they'll need to learn how to add timing into the mix (I.e. How long it takes to do those those things and when they need to start in order to leave on time). I have struggled myself, especially when a kid gets distracted between putting on one sock and the other or something ridiculous like that (most of my kids have ADHD) but now that I know to expect it, that they need practice in this, I have a) adjusted, gotten more realistic about how much time I need to allow to get ready and b) I've learned to laugh about it. If you set your expectations accordingly, your anxiety level will drop.
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gold21




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:41 am
Create a more relaxed lifestyle for yourself? Move to a more relaxed neighborhood with a more relaxed pace of life? That's what I think.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:46 am
"How do I become a more relaxed mother?"
Drink 🍹
I'm only kidding. (And personally I don't drink at all ) I too can use advice, I am so not a chill person.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:59 am
Rav Wolve (iirc?) speaks about not worrying of what will be in no consequence in 5 years and of what will not come before 5 yrs
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amother




Khaki
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:04 am
One more thing to add :
Plan in advance.
If you know that you need to leave with the kids at 2:20, start preparing them and you way ahead of time.
I do that with morning routine, which used to be so stressful. I started waking up with them much earlier , make their lunches etc, and then we are all ready to leave to school on time with no pressure. We even sometimes have time to stop at the park on the way to school.
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thegiver




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 11:52 am
Thank you sooo much, everyone!!
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:10 pm
Mommy1:) wrote:
what really helps me is to take a few minutes - or even just 1 minute on the clock - to play with each one on their own level. For example, tonight the baby was playing with a toy car. I came over and she put it down, so I picked it up and played with it like she was, running it back and forth, but added a noise. I put it down, and she put it back in my hand and made the noise back at me... she picked up my hand, like she wanted me to do it again. We were communicating in her language.

It helps keep the connection between us, helps remind me where they're at in their development and their abilities to follow instruction and do what's expected. Helps calm me and keep me grounded.

And the kids love it too.


This is perfect! A big part of my job is teaching parents how to play with their children for emotional and educational reasons!! I know its hard to make the time and headspace but only a few minutes per child is needed and the connection it builds is priceless!!
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bigsis144




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:13 pm
amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:
This is perfect! A big part of my job is teaching parents how to play with their children for emotional and educational reasons!! I know its hard to make the time and headspace but only a few minutes per child is needed and the connection it builds is priceless!!


I’m gonna start a spin-off, amother Slateblue, I’d love your input
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Wed, Sep 16 2020, 12:17 pm
bigsis144 wrote:
I’m gonna start a spin-off, amother Slateblue, I’d love your input


Sure!
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amother




Oak
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:03 am
https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMJDwBYAa/
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