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Do husbands usually side with their mother or their wife?
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:53 am
amother [ Blush ] wrote:
This is patently false.


If you feel better that way more power to you..
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:15 am
"Most men" don't anything. It would depend on his relationships with both women.
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Ruchel




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:15 am
Are we talking of marriages without love. Then mom all the way - unless he was raised by a nan.

But in a lovefull marriage ? There's no chance for mom unless she's super manipulative and he's young and gullible.

I HOPE my sons put their (halachic) wife first unless she's dangerous morally, physically or halachical
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amother




Crimson
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 9:25 am
Is this politics where right and wrong don't matter and one side is always right and the other always wrong? Does it matter who is being fair and reasonable or does the husband have to side with his wife or mother no matter what? Would we do the same? Meaning if our husband was making an unreasonable demand would we side with him as opposed to our mothers?
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browniebar




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 10:23 am
DH usually "sides" with me but defends his mother at the same time
Ie- if I say I dx feel like going for Shabbos, he'll say ok, but u know how much they miss the grandkids etc
If I insist he'll stand by me tho
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amother




Royalblue
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 10:29 am
My husband definitely sides with me over his parents.
I'm sure he loves his family but I definitely feel that he loves our family more. He'll always do what's right for our family (him, me, the kids) rather than his family (parents, siblings)

I know that I'm the number one woman in his life, and I'm sorry for those of you who aren't. You don't deserve that. Every wife deserves to be her husband's number one. Just like he should be yours.
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amother




Blush
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:37 pm
nchr wrote:
If you feel better that way more power to you..


Back at ya Very Happy
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happinessseeker




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 1:51 pm
nchr wrote:
Because most men love their mothers more than their wives. And that's fine. Most men also like their mothers more than their wives. And that's understandable. That's just life.


I’m sorry, but what?!
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amother




Scarlet
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 2:13 pm
My husband spent 20 some years on close proximity to his mom And dad and brothers and I don’t realistically expect him to totally turn his back to them and always agree with me. That said, As a fresh newlywed (still am but not as much!) I did have to tell him sometimes that if I want something and his brother wants something then too bad I come first. I told him that I feel not so loved when I always have to give in and go with his brother or mothers wishes (not a matter of being right or wrong just a preference). We still argue over this sometimes. Like he would interrupt our phone conversation And put me on hold when a brother calls in and I hate it. He insists that he doesn’t love me less than them but it’s hard. Or if we go somewhere together then his brothers get to call all the shots and I have no say
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MiracleMama




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 2:54 pm
amother [ Wheat ] wrote:
Wouldn't they side with whoever is right in that particular situation?


Yes. Absolutely. 100%. And every smart man knows that his wife is always right.
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exaustedmom




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:22 pm
They may "love" their mother, but "in love" with their wife. (Obvs in a healthy marriage)
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avrahamama




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 3:24 pm
We are BTs... We only have each others backs.
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Laiya




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 4:40 pm
nchr wrote:
Because most men love their mothers more than their wives. And that's fine. Most men also like their mothers more than their wives. And that's understandable. That's just life.


The OP asked, whose side would dh take. What does this have to do with who he loves more?

As for who he loves more, hopefully the answer is neither. Every relationship is unique.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:52 pm
pause wrote:
And because men were raised by their mothers, in a healthy mother-son relationship, they usually have similar values, thought processes, and preferences.

You really see that? Similar values is if you're lucky. Thought processes and preferences? You make it sound like moms have clones.
Me and my siblings love my parents dearly, but we are not at all clones.
And our spouses are always first. This is what I saw in my parents marriage, and this is what I see in people around me.
Same for all siblings-in-law.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 7:54 pm
nchr wrote:
Because most men love their mothers more than their wives. And that's fine. Most men also like their mothers more than their wives. And that's understandable. That's just life.


Strange blanket statement.
Would you say women love and like their mother/father more than their DH?
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:33 pm
amother [ Maroon ] wrote:
You really see that? Similar values is if you're lucky. Thought processes and preferences? You make it sound like moms have clones.
Me and my siblings love my parents dearly, but we are not at all clones.
And our spouses are always first. This is what I saw in my parents marriage, and this is what I see in people around me.
Same for all siblings-in-law.

It's a matter of nature and nurture, not cloning. Family cultures, values, type of humor, etc. 20-something years of being raised by someone (healthy) will form a bond not easily replaced by another person from a different family with its own culture. So as much as men "should" side with their wife, very often they will naturally side with their mother. FWIW, I see it in married men way more than in married women.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:42 pm
pause wrote:
It's a matter of nature and nurture, not cloning. Family cultures, values, type of humor, etc. 20-something years of being raised by someone (healthy) will form a bond not easily replaced by another person from a different family with its own culture. So as much as men "should" side with their wife, very often they will naturally side with their mother. FWIW, I see it in married men way more than in married women.


Nature and nurture only goes so far when there are 2 parents in the picture who are not clones of each other, extended family, friends, rebbeim, summer camp, dorming situations, etc. etc etc.
I can't argue with what you see, but it doesn't match up with people in my life.
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Teomima




 
 
 
 

Post Wed, Sep 16 2020, 8:46 pm
My husband would side with me, but I also view it as part of my duties, both as a wife and as a daughter in law, to be a peacemaker. I can't imagine putting him in a situation where he has to choose sides, I know I'd hate it if forced to choose between him and my parents. Sure, disagreements might arise, but we make sacrifices and compromises and we both take kibud av ve'em into consideration.
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amother




Coffee
 

Post Thu, Sep 17 2020, 5:19 am
He should not be in a position to side, if he is, his wife.
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amother




Coral
 

Post Thu, Sep 17 2020, 5:21 am
amother [ Seashell ] wrote:
I'm so happy we are separated by the ocean. On the surface my husband tends to stick up for mother. But I understand and I'd like to think he's really just trying to explain her behavior in order to soothe me while struggling to properly validate. I'm extremely close with my mother and can barely tolerate any criticism I don't know how I can expect any different from him.

I also try to avoid sharing complaints in the first place but I haven't been very successful with that yet. I'm used to sharing everything with him but I know it hurts so I for sure avoid making jokes about his family because they can easily be taken the wrong way. We constantly joke about my family but I don't mind that at all.


Families are a sensitive subject. It’s usually best not to make jokes or complain unless it’s something major.
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