4yo undressing themselves

amother

Bisque

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 7:25 am

Shut down any power struggle by validating and then offering a choice.

“ I understand that you want to be in pajamas. Me too! I love being in pajamas! They’re sooooo cozy. Would you like to wear this outfit today or this outfit today?”

FranticFrummie

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 7:29 am

amother [ Bisque ] wrote:

And then you have the type of kid who gives themself a third choice. "No, PAJAMAS!"

Is there a reason the child needs to get dressed? Will you be leaving the house soon?

I know that some parents like to keep a routine even when there is no school, but your child might not agree with your logic. If they're not going anywhere special, why change clothes? (Says the woman who lives in pajamas! Wink

)

amother

Bisque

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 8:01 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

)

So you calmly rinse and repeat. Validate even more, if you need to.

amother

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 1:00 pm

Thanks, all! Let's leave the discussion of whether staying in pajamas all day is acceptable and assume that the thing I'm trying to get them to do is non-negotiable.

Re: allowing them to stay in pajamas, that sounds like letting them make the rules. Isn't the logical conclusion of that that they can have ice cream for breakfast and whatever else as long as it doesn't really matter in order to avoid a power struggle? What happened to "in our house, we get dressed first thing on the morning" and if you don't agree, something happens? (I don't know what that something should be.)
Re: choices. If I validate and say "do you want a or b?", this kid will ignore me and continue playing in pajamas or run the other way and say "you can't make me" or something like that. How can I get them to engage in the conversation?
The sitting in a corner/time out solution we've done ("go to your room until you're ready to get dressed") but that uses power/force. Seems like it's the emotional equivalent of holding the kid down and forcing the clothes on. The parenting ideas I've read seem to be against those types of behaviors and more into getting the kid to come around by themselves.

amother

Taupe

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 6:38 pm

I would probably run into my room, slam the door and stifle my face in my pillow till all the laughter ran out and I could put on a straight face. And then I would help the kids put on their shoes and socks and take them to school. They're all of four, tznius is hardly an issue.

Or I'd negotiate: you can wear your pjs IF you make your bed and wash the dishes right now. Chances are they'd choose to get dressed again.

amother

Coral

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 6:58 pm

With my 4 yr old we have a very structured routine. We started off using a little picture checklist (with an incentive after certain # of days she completed the chart) and she got to use a dry erase marker to check each thing off as she did it. Now she knows the list and she knows she needs to: get dressed, use the bathroom, wash negel vaser, and brush teeth before breakfast. She always wants breakfast as soon as she wakes up so she is motivated to do what she needs to do.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Sep 17 2020, 7:31 pm

I would probably end up setting a timer and either bribe or threaten them to be dressed when it rings. I would try to make it a natural consequence. I would do all of it gently and calmly, offering them as many choices as I could. Get dressed yourself/have me help you, wear the pink dress or the purlple one, get dressed in your room or mine. But when that timer rings you need to be dressed. They might balk, or seem to ignore you, and maybe start getting dressed in the last second. If I see them do that I sometimes secretly extend the timer... or I say since you were working really hard on it before it rang you can still get xyz. Be prepared for them to push the envelope, and you will need to follow through.

Side point, but letting the kid make certain choices doesn’t mean letting them make all the choices. You can be okay with them in pajamas all day, but put your foot down about what they eat for breakfast. Or put your foot down about when they get dressed, but let them choose any snack they like. Etc. You have to pick your battles, but you don’t have to avoid all of them.

lucky14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:38 pm

amother [ Ginger ] wrote:

Out of curiosity- what would be your natural consequence if they did not get dressed in time (or at all)? We've had this situation at my house and I have had to think of other consequences not related (like not being able to watch something or play with something later in the day).

amother

Pink

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:50 pm

lucky14 wrote:

Is getting into pj's and bed early a consequence for your kids? You can tell them that since they love being in their pj's, they'll put on pj's and go to bed early tonight.

Ema of 5

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

4yo didn't want to get dressed so I got them dressed. They protested by taking off their clothes and putting their pajamas back on. What would you do next? (Or would you not have gotten them dressed to begin with?)

I would not have gotten them dressed in the first place. If the child is in school, the teacher/morah will surely understand a child coming in pajamas. If the child is not in formal school, but is either at a baby sitter or with a baby sitter at home, then who cares?

pause

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:02 pm

I'm horrified by all the posts saying let the kid go to school in pajamas! Are you going to let your kid do something embarrassing just to prove your point?

I would not dress a kid who refuses to get dressed. I would offer to dress them, sometimes they just don't have patience to do it, but if they say no, I shrug my shoulders and walk away. I would say, "In order to go to school, you need to be dressed. When you are dressed, or you are ready for me to help you get dressed, tell me and then we can go to school. Do you want me to help you now or do you want to do it on your own?"

Once the kid changed back into pajamas, you are in a power struggle and I would walk away saying, "In order to go to school, you need to be dressed. I already dressed you, and now that you got undressed, you will have to dress yourself again on your own. When you are dressed, we can go to school."

lucky14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:24 pm

pause wrote:

Your child wouldn't say "OK, I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home"?

amother

Fuchsia

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:25 pm

pause wrote:

But it's 855, school started 10 minutes ago and mommy's job starts in 5.

lucky14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:25 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

Is getting into pj's and bed early a consequence for your kids? You can tell them that since they love being in their pj's, they'll put on pj's and go to bed early tonight.

Yes, that would make sense. Thank you.

pause

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:29 pm

lucky14 wrote:

Your child wouldn't say "OK, I don't want to go to school. I want to stay home"?

No. My 4 y.o. loves school. My child might say in even if it wasn't true, if my child perceived it as my weak spot in a power struggle, I.e. You want me to go to school, so I will say I don't want to; now let's see what you'll do about that.

But I wouldn't care or let it get to me. I'd just say, "Ok, no problem." Probably within the hour, DC will have changed her mind and maybe even gotten dressed without telling me.

pause

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:34 pm

amother [ Fuchsia ] wrote:

But it's 855, school started 10 minutes ago and mommy's job starts in 5.

That's the problem!

Effective parenting requires time, and it's not always convenient. Getting your message across long-term might mean a short-term investment of time. If you cannot do that, (and I'm not judging, I get it), you might need to resort to bribes or threats. They can sometimes work for the moment, but you're setting yourself for the same problem to crop up again tomorrow or the next day.

Is this happening often? Maybe you can start your morning earlier and allow more time for the typical morning routine which involves a very opinionated preschooler? In my house there's always something: lost shoes, a shirt that is "uncomfortable", a pair of tights with a hole, breakfast the kid doesn't like... I learned to plan an extra 20 minutes for these miscellaneous problems.