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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Preschoolers
4yo undressing themselves
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trixx




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:02 am
OP did you try connecting with your kid. Disconnection looks like defiance (so yeah putting them in a corner won't help)
If you want a solution that will 99% work, it's playfulness + connection. Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen is a game changer for this especially if you're mean like I am lol
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:43 am
I like Pause approach the best, because it takes away the temptation to fight if you dont have with whom. She dismantles the power struggle peacefully instead of feeding into it. Yes I think her kid will choose to cooperate the fastest
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 6:03 am
OP, I think this thread shows two things. 1. The problem is pretty universal! and 2. there are just as many different ways of handling it.

All I can say, is that you are probably going to have to try every single solution, until you find one that works with your kid. He sounds smart, challenging, and spirited. These can be good traits later on in life, but they will most certainly give you gray hairs right now. Very Happy

I remember one time, when DD was 6, she refused to get dressed. She was too strong for me to dress her, so I gathered up her school uniform and shoes, and put her outside on the front porch in her pajamas. Then I locked the front door. I told her the bus was coming, and she needs to get dressed. She immediately pounded on the door, demanding to come inside where she could get dressed in private, and she made it on time for the bus. That was the end of that struggle!

Some people will say that it was borderline abusive, but it was a beautiful day outside, and I was right on the other side of the door. The whole exchange probably took less than 2 minutes. The most important things was that she learned that mama was NOT playing around!

There were many other struggles, about many other things over the years, but at least that particular one was settled. (Of course, your kid may choose to sit in the yard and play in the dirty, quite happily. Banging head )

The most important thing, is to not lose your temper, and sometimes it is SO hard! Especially if you can't drive your kid to school when they miss the bus, or you have to be at work on time.

Just because you take your kid for a walk in the park, doesn't always mean that parenting will be a walk in the park. Wink
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ChanieMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 6:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Thanks, all! Let's leave the discussion of whether staying in pajamas all day is acceptable and assume that the thing I'm trying to get them to do is non-negotiable.

Re: allowing them to stay in pajamas, that sounds like letting them make the rules. Isn't the logical conclusion of that that they can have ice cream for breakfast and whatever else as long as it doesn't really matter in order to avoid a power struggle? What happened to "in our house, we get dressed first thing on the morning" and if you don't agree, something happens? (I don't know what that something should be.)
Re: choices. If I validate and say "do you want a or b?", this kid will ignore me and continue playing in pajamas or run the other way and say "you can't make me" or something like that. How can I get them to engage in the conversation?
The sitting in a corner/time out solution we've done ("go to your room until you're ready to get dressed") but that uses power/force. Seems like it's the emotional equivalent of holding the kid down and forcing the clothes on. The parenting ideas I've read seem to be against those types of behaviors and more into getting the kid to come around by themselves.


On the one hand I agree with you, it's not good when parents always back off, something they have to see things through...

On the other hand, staying in pajamas is not the same as having ice cream for breakfast.

Staying in pajamas that's about his body.

ice cream for breakfast, it's your icecream and you just don't hand it out.

So I would not over-generalise...

In things children have to actively do, motivation, a certain dynamic and bribery works best, and mi lo lishma ba lishma... you aquire a good habit through incentive (could even be material), and then it sticks on its own...

Take this story where an old man recalls being woken up every day by the smell of pancakes... and this motivated him to get up, have breakfast, go to cheder...

This is a loving wake-up call... I think it's legitimate to avoid discussions about getting up through a little corruption with pancake smell...

So in the case of getting dressed, if it's not about him refusing nursery school, if in fact you don't have to go anywhere, you just want him dressed, the pancake smell could be going to the park, riding his bike, doing something outside... then he will understand the necessity of doing what you want in order to obtain what he wants...
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ChanieMommy




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:08 am
pause wrote:
I'm horrified by all the posts saying let the kid go to school in pajamas! Are you going to let your kid do something embarrassing just to prove your point?

I would not dress a kid who refuses to get dressed. I would offer to dress them, sometimes they just don't have patience to do it, but if they say no, I shrug my shoulders and walk away. I would say, "In order to go to school, you need to be dressed. When you are dressed, or you are ready for me to help you get dressed, tell me and then we can go to school. Do you want me to help you now or do you want to do it on your own?"

Once the kid changed back into pajamas, you are in a power struggle and I would walk away saying, "In order to go to school, you need to be dressed. I already dressed you, and now that you got undressed, you will have to dress yourself again on your own. When you are dressed, we can go to school."


What if their aim was not to go to school in the first place?
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:52 am
dankbar wrote:
I like Pause approach the best, because it takes away the temptation to fight if you dont have with whom. She dismantles the power struggle peacefully instead of feeding into it. Yes I think her kid will choose to cooperate the fastest

Thank you. My kids are pretty strong-minded (I wonder where they get it from???). It took me time, but I had to learn how to disentangle, or else I would be engaged in power struggles all day long. I love Fox's expression not to let your kids get your goat, and I quote it to myself often.
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pause




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:56 am
ChanieMommy wrote:
What if their aim was not to go to school in the first place?

Then you need to figure out why does a 4 y.o. not want to go to school. I don't think that's typical. (More likely to come from a middle-schooler who has more sophisticated approaches than putting back on pajamas LOL ) It's a whole different situation that requires a different approach.
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