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I told DH that his financial view is dysfunctional

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 9:58 pm
This has been a really long ongoing thing in our marriage. We are leaning yeshivish in our 40’s with a couple of kids in a regular Jewish community.

DH earns $45-50k as a 1099 worker. He thinks that’s fine. Yes it’s sometimes hard to pay the bills even though I earn much more than him. I told him that for couples like us with our two older kids starting shidduchim shortly and some more younger kids with tuition bills, an able bodied, healthy, bright, capable, personable guy earning so little is dysfunctional in our community. And his job offers zero in the way of growth or stability or mastering skills that can be taken to another job.

What do you think?
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:02 pm
Well, what is it that you want him to do?

Work longer hours?
Get a different job?
Go to school and get a degree?

It’s nice to say you “should” be making $x amount but there has to be a plan.

My husband earns 0. I’d be thrilled to be in your shoes.
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groovy1224




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:02 pm
I think you are being quite harsh. Is it a large salary? No. Is it enough to support your family? Can't tell you that. But dysfunctional? I just don't think so.

What is your purpose in telling him this? Do you want him to take on a side job, or switch careers? It wasn't clear from your post.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:23 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
I think you are being quite harsh. Is it a large salary? No. Is it enough to support your family? Can't tell you that. But dysfunctional? I just don't think so.

What is your purpose in telling him this? Do you want him to take on a side job, or switch careers? It wasn't clear from your post.


He cannot take on more hours in this.

I want him to find a job or career where there is growth potential.

He’s got plenty of time on his hands as what he does now is not full time but there is no possibility of doing more of it.

I’m resentful of how hard I work and how he is on vacation many weekdays.
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amother




Coral
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:27 pm
Of course he should look for a different better paying job. Is he doing so? It’s not so easy to find a good job right now. What was his response? Providing for a family is a man’s job. What would happen if you stopped working and left it up to him? Would he step up? Is he just being lazy because he knows you’ll work hard and provide what he is not?
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:41 pm
I suspect that telling him he is financially dysfunctional isn't going to do anything productive for either your finances or your SB.

It's pretty frequent that one partner works more hours than the other, and may have more drive to build a business.

If both partners are psychologically strong, maybe it starts with you thinking through what you wish for yourself. More vacation time? More help with the house and the kids? Make a list.

Then, you can sit down with DH, and, using "I" language, explain to him that you're feeling frustrated and overworked, but worried about having enough savings for upcoming expenses.

Maybe try giving him a few choices -- X, Y, or Z -- about how that could work. "We could save $X if you vaccumed and did laundry instead of us paying someone. Or you could commit to finding an evening/vacation temp job, maybe doing Y. Or you could commit to doing without Z because we're trying to save money."

Use this time of introspection to be sure that it's a discussion you want to have, and to think about whether it has been helpful to compare your professional life to his. Sometimes (but not always), envy or resentment aren't coming from the situation at all, but from inside.

Listen to yourself first. Then prepare to communicate, and probably compromise, without criticism. Then, celebrate change and connection.

Hatzlacha!
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 10:57 pm
Gurl your living in the wrong community. Enjoy the 2-for-1 curse of Adam and Chava.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Sun, Sep 20 2020, 11:22 pm
I could have written your exact post regarding being paid infrequently on 1099 including the dollar amount ...except I don't look at it as dysfunctional! My husband learns when he's not at work!
Yes sometimes it bothers me very much that he has long hours or that he needs to travel for work but I've worked on my emuna that we're getting the exact salary that Hashem wants us to get!
You're really not sure that he could make more at a different job. And he would definitely have to take a pay cut starting somewhere else... or investing in a business!!

Does he like what he's doing currently?
What does your husband do during his "free" time?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 12:17 am
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
I could have written your exact post regarding being paid infrequently on 1099 including the dollar amount ...except I don't look at it as dysfunctional! My husband learns when he's not at work!
Yes sometimes it bothers me very much that he has long hours or that he needs to travel for work but I've worked on my emuna that we're getting the exact salary that Hashem wants us to get!
You're really not sure that he could make more at a different job. And he would definitely have to take a pay cut starting somewhere else... or investing in a business!!

Does he like what he's doing currently?
What does your husband do during his "free" time?


He does mostly nothing during his free time. A tiny bit of learning and some housekeeping and lots of shuffling papers on his desk in a circle and texting and checking the news, and when there’s no work for a couple of days he always gets sick.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:04 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
He does mostly nothing during his free time. A tiny bit of learning and some housekeeping and lots of shuffling papers on his desk in a circle and texting and checking the news, and when there’s no work for a couple of days he always gets sick.


I think that's why you used the word "dysfunctional"! Sad
You resent the fact that he does nothing the rest of the time... it's not really a money issue, it's the root of the problem!
Which I agree is a problem, it would bother me too!
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#BestBubby




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 11:11 am
1. Consult with a career counsellor if there are better paying options for DH, or if he can do
something p/t.

2. Work on building your emunah. Hashem decides who your DH is and how much you earn.

3. You would have LESS $$$ and time if you divorced, ch"v so it is not worth destroying your
sholom bayis over this. Being divorced would also harm your children's shidduchim.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 11:14 am
imasinger wrote:
I suspect that telling him he is financially dysfunctional isn't going to do anything productive for either your finances or your SB.

It's pretty frequent that one partner works more hours than the other, and may have more drive to build a business.

If both partners are psychologically strong, maybe it starts with you thinking through what you wish for yourself. More vacation time? More help with the house and the kids? Make a list.

Then, you can sit down with DH, and, using "I" language, explain to him that you're feeling frustrated and overworked, but worried about having enough savings for upcoming expenses.

Maybe try giving him a few choices -- X, Y, or Z -- about how that could work. "We could save $X if you vaccumed and did laundry instead of us paying someone. Or you could commit to finding an evening/vacation temp job, maybe doing Y. Or you could commit to doing without Z because we're trying to save money."

Use this time of introspection to be sure that it's a discussion you want to have, and to think about whether it has been helpful to compare your professional life to his. Sometimes (but not always), envy or resentment aren't coming from the situation at all, but from inside.

Listen to yourself first. Then prepare to communicate, and probably compromise, without criticism. Then, celebrate change and connection.

Hatzlacha!
You always have such good, solid, positive, empowering advice! Thank you
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