Mothers saying 'my insert child's name'

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:35 am

This is something I've been wondering about. For starters I didn't grow up in the most emotionally healthy home.
I see women in their 50s talking about their adult or teenage kids and saying 'my Mordechai' went to etc etc...
So first I said that is so beautiful and motherly (my mom would never say it) but then I thought it might be inappropriate or almost bragging?
Thoughts?

*signed by a daughter who did not grow up in the most emotionally healthy home but would like her home to be healthy, not by going to the opposite extreme.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:36 am

either way is fine -- do that with which you are comfortable

it can be a term of endearment

amother

Coffee

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:44 am

Sometimes it's endearment, sometimes it's enmeshment. You have to know who's speaking.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:46 am

agree -- as with most things context can be everything

and sometimes it's just cultural expression

amother

Azure

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:47 am

Sometimes it's just to mark who she is speaking about... Kind of an ellipsis of the word "son" or "daughter"... because if she said "son" or "daughter", no-one would blame the expression of being inappropriate...

amother

Pink

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:50 am

I dont see how calling a child by his name would be enmeshment. What else should she say? My daughter in laws husband?
Or did you mean " my son Mordechai...." instead of just" my Mordechai " ?

imasinger

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:55 am

You may be confusing which part of the vocabulary is the problem.

"My Sadie made a dessert for YT that should have been featured in a magazine" -- may be either legitimate maternal pride, or bragging, depending on whether you're talking to your BFF who knows that your next door neighbor is also named Sadie, or the checkout clerk in the market.

"My Izzie got kicked out of that yeshiva" is probably LH on several fronts.

You see? It depends on context. Using "my" before a child's name could be loving, it could provide a real differentiation so the listener understands who you're talking about (my DS is best friends with a boy who has the same first name. When I talk to his mom, we always say "my" or "your", for obvious reasons).

Or it could be a cultural way of speaking.

But in and of itself, it's neutral or sweet. What makes it bragging or whatever is the rest of the sentence.

Last edited by imasinger on Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:57 am; edited 2 times in total

amother

Coffee

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:56 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I dont see how calling a child by his name would be enmeshment. What else should she say? My daughter in laws husband?
Or did you mean " my son Mordechai...." instead of just" my Mordechai " ?

To someone who knows the family, just say Mordechai. To someone who doesn't, then say my son (or son-in-law or brother or husband or nephew) Mordechai.

ETA, edited out an emoji that just appeared out of nowhere.

amother

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 6:57 am

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I dont see how calling a child by his name would be enmeshment. What else should she say? My daughter in laws husband?
Or did you mean " my son Mordechai...." instead of just" my Mordechai " ?

I was talking about women who know each other well, no need to say 'my' at all. Mordechai alone should be enough, the other person knows it's her son she's talking about.

silverlining3

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:17 am

It depends what follows.

salt

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:23 am

It's an annoying way of talking, but I can't put my finger on why.

Either say "my son" or "my son, Yossi" or "Yossi, my son" or "Yossi" - if I know who you're talking about.

it's just annoying. It's kind of coddling.
It annoys me even when people say it about their 3 year old, not just about their adult child.

I think people say it when they're not quite talking with a close family member, so they can't just say "Yossi", but on the other hand, they're not talking so formally that they would just say "my son" - so it kind of comes out that way.
Like when you're talking to another mother in the park, or a colleague.

But it grates, I agree with OP.

amother

Mint

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:23 am

I think it's cultural. Reminds me of an old fashioned Yiddish mama from the fifties or something. I can't really see a modern or young person speaking like that.

If someone uses the term and they are not from a culture where it's common, then it can indicate enmeshment.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:33 am

Has anyone seen the old British TV show "Keeping Up Appearances"?

They were always saying "Our Rose always had a way with men." or "Our Daisy is very outgoing." I think that "My Daniel" or whatever is very much in that same manner of speaking.

It's a bit old fashioned, a bit posh, and very sweet. It sounds odd to someone who didn't grow up watching a lot of BBC TV. Wink

amother

Khaki

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:34 am

So... my extended family is quiet large and a lot of the kids and aunts and cousins have the same name.
So I would say "my mordechai" when talking about my son. Meaning: my son, not my brother or uncle or cousin or nephew. Its just an easy way to reference without using last names (which doesn't always work) or getting confusing.
Since I do this a lot I end up doing it when I'm with other people also.

thunderstorm

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:04 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Me too.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:53 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Me too. My daughter has the same name as my sil, and a few cousins etc. So I also say my 'Leah' to make it easier to differentiate. There's enough 'wait that doesn't make sense. Oh, that Leah' etc anyway.

Reality

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:59 am

amother [ Khaki ] wrote:

Me three!

I also have a very good friend whose husband has the same name as mine. I also sometimes say my _____ if it isn't clear who I'm referring to.

zaq

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:08 am

Boy oh boy, some of you people must have reeeaaalllly dull lives if you have the leisure and energy to get bent out of shape about something so innocuous. I suggest you all go out and start volunteering with the homeless who have AIDS or something--you need something productive to occupy your minds.

In most places there is more than one kid running around with the same given name, so you say MY Motty to distinguish him from YOUR Motty or my sister's Motty or the Motty across the hall. Secondly, you might do this to specify which of your kids it is. 'My Motty' instead of 'my son' because I have several sons. Sure you could say 'my son Motty' but why is that necessary? In any case, I've never heard it used as other than in an affectionate way. Maternal affection is "coddling"? Halevai all children should be so "coddled."

naomi2

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:16 am

It irks me a little. I always just say 'my son' or just his name.

chanchy123

Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:16 am

I associate that way of talking with older distant relatives.

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