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Giving Gift Going away Shabbos - Pre Covid
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:37 pm
We invited a couple with their kids for shabbos to sleep and eat all the meals by us. We were suprised that they did not bring a gift or offer to make something. They are not financially struggling.
Is this normal or not? Now my husband wants to invite them again.
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amother




Denim
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We invited a couple with their kids for shabbos to sleep and eat all the meals by us. We were suprised that they did not bring a gift or offer to make something. They are not financially struggling.
Is this normal or not? Now my husband wants to invite them again.


You shouldn’t expect gifts. Any zechus you’d get for doing a chesed would be undone by looking for reward. Hashem rewards for chesed.
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 7:40 pm
If you'd like them to bring something, ask. We'd love to have you come spend shabbos with us. What would you say to bringing the kiddush wine? Or maybe you can bring a salad for Friday night?
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amother




Purple
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:01 pm
I bring a gift when I ask someone to host us. But if someone invites us, I assume they're interested in us and don't invite us for the gift. Sometimes I take a small candy platter but not always.
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amother




Denim
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:02 pm
amother [ Saddlebrown ] wrote:
If you'd like them to bring something, ask. We'd love to have you come spend shabbos with us. What would you say to bringing the kiddush wine? Or maybe you can bring a salad for Friday night?


I disagree. It’s tacky and never ok to ask for gifts. Don’t invite if you do it for the gifts.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:14 pm
I normally offer to make something and bring something if I go away which is very rarely. I enjoy company and never ask someone to make something for us unless they insist soninam fine if they don't offer. I actually rather they just down as a guest.
I also don't think a present is 💯 percent necessary. I never care if someone brings one or not.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:17 pm
I apologize for asking but when I grew up my parents would never let me go to a meal or sleep by somebody empty handed.

I would never ask my guest to make something or bring something.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:17 pm
Whether you invite someone or not should have to do with if you enjoy their company and not if they bring a gift.
I personally would bring something if we went away 90% of the time but life happens, people forget, etc.
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groovy1224




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 8:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
We invited a couple with their kids for shabbos to sleep and eat all the meals by us. We were suprised that they did not bring a gift or offer to make something. They are not financially struggling.
Is this normal or not? Now my husband wants to invite them again.


It definitely would have been nice of them to bring/offer a gift, but are you really considering not having them back just because they didn't bring something?
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amother




Peach
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:00 pm
Woah. I try to bring along something when I go to someone, but it's definitely not a must. I never knew that some people expect it. It's a nice gesture, not a necessity.
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:40 pm
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
I bring a gift when I ask someone to host us. But if someone invites us, I assume they're interested in us and don't invite us for the gift. Sometimes I take a small candy platter but not always.


It's a lot of work to host a family for shabbos. Your hosts may not need a candy platter/flowers/wine, but it's basic good manners to acknowledge that they made an effort for you. At the very least, send a thank-you email afterwards.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 9:54 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
It's a lot of work to host a family for shabbos. Your hosts may not need a candy platter/flowers/wine, but it's basic good manners to acknowledge that they made an effort for you. At the very least, send a thank-you email afterwards.

Exactly. I don’t need the five dollar gift but I did spend hours cooking for the guests and made special dishes for their kids.
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amother




Purple
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:26 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
It's a lot of work to host a family for shabbos. Your hosts may not need a candy platter/flowers/wine, but it's basic good manners to acknowledge that they made an effort for you. At the very least, send a thank-you email afterwards.


It's not bad manners not to give a gift to someone that invited you. It's not the end of the world if you forget to bring a gift. I think a follow up email after you've thanked the host personally is a bit weird.
I host quite often, not always do the guest bring something. It's not part of the cheshbon when we invite and I don't keep track of who brought something or not.
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amother




Natural
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:36 pm
amother [ Purple ] wrote:
It's not bad manners not to give a gift to someone that invited you. It's not the end of the world if you forget to bring a gift.


Yes, it IS bad manners not to bring a gift or otherwise show your thanks to your host. No, it's not the end of the world if you don't bring anything.

I'm not going to stand on ceremony and refuse to invite back someone who didn't bring a gift. I don't mind overlooking someone's rudeness. But yes, the behavior is rude. When guests ask what they can bring, I tell them to bring themselves and a good appetite. I don't need a physical object. I do, however, want some recognition of my efforts.

In the case of siblings, or friends who are as close as siblings, there's no need for gifts, through I would say that you should bring food or help out in some substantial way over shabbos.
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amother




Lemon
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 10:55 pm
groovy1224 wrote:
It definitely would have been nice of them to bring/offer a gift, but are you really considering not having them back just because they didn't bring something?


In some cultures it’s more expected than others. Personally it’s not about the gift but the appreciation. I’ve had ppl that aren’t the type to bring gifts but thank and compliment and the gift wasn’t missing. Then I have ppl that feel like I’m a paid hostess and I really don’t like having those back.
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asmileaday




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 11:03 pm
Oish now I'm cringing from all those times we were invited to friends for a meal and just didn't get to go buy something to bring along.

I remember once sleeping by a friend for shabbos (as a single) and thankfully I remembered last minute to get a chocolate arrangement. When I gave it to the Mom she exclaimed "I can't wait to see what guests will bring!". I thought it was extremely weird and internally I thanked my lucky stars that I remembered to buy something.

I host friends and family plenty of times and never expect anything! I don't even think of it as rude when they don't bring something.

I guess it's cultural?
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amother




Purple
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 11:08 pm
amother [ Natural ] wrote:
Yes, it IS bad manners not to bring a gift or otherwise show your thanks to your host. No, it's not the end of the world if you don't bring anything.

I'm not going to stand on ceremony and refuse to invite back someone who didn't bring a gift. I don't mind overlooking someone's rudeness. But yes, the behavior is rude. When guests ask what they can bring, I tell them to bring themselves and a good appetite. I don't need a physical object. I do, however, want some recognition of my efforts.

In the case of siblings, or friends who are as close as siblings, there's no need for gifts, through I would say that you should bring food or help out in some substantial way over shabbos.


Giving a gift isn't the only way to thank hosts. Actually saying thank you and complimenting on what a nice time you had is also showing thanks and recognition to the host. It's bad manners to not thank at all, but it's not bad manners or rude to not bring a gift.
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amother




Slategray
 

Post  Mon, Sep 21 2020, 11:48 pm
I think it is not appropriate to show up empty handed. One should never ask for someone to bring something,it is not that a gift is demanded by the host, but if someone offers something specific (can I bring challah, a bottle of wine, it is usually mutually helpful-the host has something covered and the guest doesn't need to rack their brain)
It is not about the gift, it is about showing hakarat hatov. It is saying I appreciate you having me and the work which goes into it and I am not taking you for granted. I am showing my appreciation. You (the host l) don't owe me anything, I am not a princess who you need to serve, but rather I know having guests is work and I wanted to show my gratitude.

I don't care what a guest brings, pick wildflower on the side of the highway, bring matchbox cars for the little boys. Just be thoughtful.

When my DD was in Sem, she NEVER went for Shabbos empty handed. People are working hard to make you a beautiful Shabbos. You bring something, you help serve/clean if they are receptive, you entertain children.

It's just proper middot.
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amother




Silver
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:00 am
I've hosted plenty n actually feel weird receiving a gift when I called them to invite. Obviously I know what hosting entails n am upto it. It's nice to give-receive, but so not expected.

My fil always tells his guest, if you come again I'll know you liked the atmosphere and food. My dh follows his footsteps in this aspect, and that's the greatest thanks I can get.

Anon as I related countless times my fil phrase irl
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amother




Chocolate
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I apologize for asking but when I grew up my parents would never let me go to a meal or sleep by somebody empty handed.

I would never ask my guest to make something or bring something.


I was raised this way too. If we go to someone for a meal, I offer to make something. If they decline the offer, I will still show up with a bottle of wine or a chocolate platter or maybe send flowers ahead.
If I stay a whole Shabbos I will likely bring some sort of houseware for my hostess in addition to a nice bottle of wine.

When I invite people to our house, some ask what they can bring and I always say nothing necessary. Most people show up with something anyhow. It's just good manners. But I don't get upset if they don't since I told them not to. I also recognize that it may be cultural and not everyone sees coming empty-handed as a social faux pas.
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