How would you move on ? Too many questions in my head

ellacoe

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:29 am

I can't help but notice how many times the word normal was mentioned in this thread. While it is important to pay attention to the norms dictated by the society we live in, it is also important to live a life that works for ourselves and is not solely based on what others think, or what is considered the norm. In addition many of us live in different societies that have different nuances of what the norm is.

Perhaps take a step back and figure out what the expectations are for your son. He was out all day with friends, it sounds like he was doing wholesome things, he cleaned the kitchen when he got home. On the flip side, it was upsetting that he didn't call that he was going to be home late, he broke his fast, and he was on the phone late with his friends.

In the conversation with him, were theses issues addressed for themselves, I.e. it is upsetting not to be informed that he will be out late, the importance of fasting to your family, the fact that he was on the phone late? Were you having the conversation from a place where you were open to hear his opinions on these topics? Or was he met with your frustrations about his behavior? It is often best to have these conversations from a place of calmness and curiosity, reserving judgement until you hear what he has to say, creating a dialogue. Speaking to him from a place of frustration, anger or judgement will probably not yield the conversation that you want or that will be productive. It may be that there is a difference of opinion on these issues, but having the right discussion may lead to place where you each hear the other's viewpoints and they can be discussed and compromised on.

dankbar

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:35 am

Wrote a whole drasha & lost it. Will try again.

Very normal for teenagers to prefer social life over family life. They will much rather listen to & seek approval from friends than parents at this stage.

When children are young their universe revolves around parents, being appendages to them, or idolizing them, telling their friends, my parents are all powerful....., trying to emulate them, or just associating with them & thinking they are the same....

As children grow older, they realize that their parents are not all they thought they were, they want to have their own identity & individuate, they see they are not the same, and are separate beings....

By telling your child....he isn't giving you nachas....you are ruining him.

He is a good kid. He is good yeshiva kid. He did his chores. He let you know about his whereabouts. So he is spending time with friends & on phone on his off day? So what? Just because you are not a phone person? He is not you!
By dissapproving, everything he does, this drives him away & won't want to stay home to spend time with you.
If you feel, his convos are loud, late at night and disrupting other members, you can put a limit in a gentle way to timing or he should keep it quiet.

dankbar

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:49 am

I think the issue here is, that you want him to still be your little boy, where he confides in you in every step, listens to you & you have the control like when he was younger, wheras he is trying to show you, he wants to grow up & be independent and is not your little boy anymore.
It's hard to let go.....
You don't want to get into power struggles, with him, over every little thing.
I think you have to let him make some of his choices on his own & maybe take parenting classes for teens.
(Let's say he broke his fast, because he felt he couldn't carry on anymore, does he need to ask you permission for that?)

Just One

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:51 am

dankbar wrote:

Spot on

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:01 pm

We both cleaned up our messes from yesterday. Bh we both had a calm conversation in the morning about this , I heard him out he heard my point .

I learned it's never good to talk about anything while the anger sits inside .

Bh ended well and healthy. Thanks for all your inputs and for being helpful how I should approach this next time . Yet I never had a role model to prove me or show me love so I have to learn it on my own feet.

amother

Goldenrod

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:02 pm

So that was an older son?

There seems to be a pattern here.

I think the best thing to do at the moment is give these kids a breather. Work on positive communication, trust them to live their lives and be a positive role model. Based on the pattern that seems to have developed I don't think it's more boundaries that are needed here

Just One

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Good for you! Amazing what positive communication can do. The love you have for your children definitely shows

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:16 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Just for curiosity.

I never post my name under screen and I come most of the time up as OP if I'm not mistaken. How are you trying to guess which op I am from other threads when I usually come up as anony, and just to mention since I feel it comes in now while talking about it .
"Why do posters think it's ok to mention or bring up storys from old threads when all you want is stay anonymous ??" That said
I do not recall such a thread you had just mentioned .

as I said this is a responsible kid that let's me know where he is up to and where he is . I'm not talking about an ADD kid.
HIM BEING ON THE PHONE VERY LATE GOT ME VERY ANGRY not so much the chilling out .
I was just wanting to put some guidelines, But came out to be I was too frustrated , and angry then to keep a normal healthy conversation.

flmommy

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:23 pm

If you aren’t comfortable with him in the phone so late or talking loudly make a rule. I think it would be reasonable no phone after 10 in the main house and after 11 in your room. Whatever you feel is reasonable. Might have been better instead of getting upset to have said to him when he cane home. Missed you all day how about we play a game of rummy or take a walk around the block. If he is usually a good faster I wouldn’t give him a hard time about breaking his fast. He is post bar mitzvah. If he was playing football and that caused him to break fast then gently remind him before the next fast to plan to take it easy.

amother

Puce

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:23 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It’s not because people are trying to guess. It just makes the story clearer when we see a continuation or a pattern. I do recognize you from many other posts even though you are anonymous. You posted something else about this son recently which was pretty worrisome. I think you need more guidance than imamother can give you. You give us a tiny glimpse into the situation but it’s pretty obvious that there’s much more going on.
I don’t mean to be rude, I’m trying to help you. I suggest you find someone IRL who can hear the entire home situation and help you based on that.

asmileaday

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:32 pm

Sometimes certain posters have a specific writing style- like always misspelling certain words the same way or expressing certain issues using the same wording.
When posters assume they know more parts of your life based on other posts they feel they get a bigger picture than just the 1 issue currently being discussed. They feel they would advise differently based on all posts put together.
Of course they can be wrong and it's 2 different families. And you're definitely entitled to your anonymity.
It's just sometimes easier to give better advice if you feel you have a bigger picture of the dynamics.

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:42 pm

amother [ Puce ] wrote:

I hardly post about this son and not so active here .
I have a son and daughter and hardly post anything about my daughter, if ever.

In terms of my ds I do post here and there if I really feel the need of help. I'm not used to parent teens . It's new to me but maybe reaching out to someone in real life can be even more helpful!

amother

Papaya

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:50 pm

Hatzlacha OP
You do write very similarly to a poster who also complained about her teen son who is out of the house too much and on the phone too much.

I have a bunch of teen boys and none of them are interested in talking on a phone. I can't imagine what boys would be talking about for so long. Girls yes. Boys? They see each other from 7 AM- 10 PM or even longer.

OP maybe your son would be happier in a dorm?

amother

Puce

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Right I don’t recall hearing about your dd.
Again. We are not trying to “get you” and feel free to keep posting and asking for advice, but based on all your previous posts (assuming it was you, though it can be coincidentally exact same writing style and same age son) it seems like you need more guidance in your family situation than a bunch of random posters can offer.

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:02 pm

Honestly, I am still surprised to hear from most posters that talking on the phone unlimited is ok for a teen . As someone just had mentioned . They are out of the house from early morning until evening, I have this gut feeling that it's still not so ok to allow to be on the phone this much and putting limits and rules to it is just reasonable, whereas I did understood from most posts that its very normal. I do get this that its 100% ok to allow phone time and its healthy . But again my point. He was already out the entire day with friends. Why do I still need to allow him stay on the phone ? And I do feel it needs guidelines.
I'm a bit surprised that people thought it's very normal..