Am I being judged??

amother

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:50 am

Im just wondering if anyone feels the same. Having a post seminary girl home I feel thst every move I do is looked at and possibly judged.
Hey I have my own life too and may not do everything she approves %100....

FranticFrummie

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 12:55 am

It's a stage, don't let it get to you.

She's old enough to be married and have her own household, so she probably thinks she could do it better than you can. The next time she criticizes you, just say "OK, why don't you go ahead and show me how YOU would do it." In other words, put up or shut up!

Just wait until she actually gets married and has a few babies. She'll come crying to you for help. "Ima, how do you MANAGE?"

Don't worry, you'll get the last laugh. LOL

essie14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 1:39 am

My older kids LOVE to criticize how DH and I are raising our younger ones. I just smile and bide my time til they have their own Very Happy

They think they know everything at that age.

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:02 am

So normal. They all do.
Mine thinks she is my personal mashkiach and watches me in the kitchen. The tradeoff now is that I make her do all the bug-checking jobs I don't want to do. (But everything now tastes like soap).
She also loves to find me shuiring to attend and tehillim groups to participate in.
It is a phase that will pass.

But don't worry, she is not the only one judging you. The whole community is judging you in regard to her. Did she get too Frum, not Frum enough, how does she dress and most of all, when is she getting married and to whom.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:06 am

Maybe you might want to initiate a nice, friendly, trustful conversation, and to ask her about her wisdom, how she would do things, etc...

There might be some good ideas among her suggestions and some completely unrealistic ones that you will secretly chuckle about... but at least, the silent judgement could be out in the open and does not have to pursue you like a ghost...

ChanieMommy

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:07 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

So normal. They all do.
Mine thinks she is my personal mashkiach and watches me in the kitchen. The tradeoff now is that I make her do all the bug-checking jobs I don't want to do. (But everything now tastes like soap).
She also loves to find me shuiring to attend and tehillim groups to participate in.
It is a phase that will pass.

But don't worry, she is not the only one judging you. The whole community is judging you in regard to her. Did she get too Frum, not Frum enough, how does she driven and most of all, when is she getting married and to whom.

lol

essie14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:11 am

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

So normal. They all do.
Mine thinks she is my personal mashkiach and watches me in the kitchen. The tradeoff now is that I make her do all the bug-checking jobs I don't want to do. (But everything now tastes like soap).
She also loves to find me shuiring to attend and tehillim groups to participate in.
It is a phase that will pass.

But don't worry, she is not the only one judging you. The whole community is judging you in regard to her. Did she get too Frum, not Frum enough, how does she driven and most of all, when is she getting married and to whom.

LOL.

I remember moving things around on my mom's blech because I thought she was putting food on areas that were too hot, after learning hilchot shabbat.
We've all done it and our kids will all do it to us. Post HS kids think they are the authorities on everything.

amother

Pearl

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:35 am

I hear you. I just deleted a long list of my dc's challenging words and behavior, because ANON isn't enough.

Having adult children living at home is a huge challenge.

BTW I believe I am being judged, by how I handle this, but not by dd.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:41 am

Name the elephant in the room and strengthen your relationship while clearing the air. You can say something warmly like:

"Sweetheart when you are in your own home IY"H you and your DH will do things your (plural) way." Show you are confident, calm, in charge, supportive, and accepting. You do not have to be the recipient of her anxiety, stress, irritation, or criticism implied tacit or otherwise.
She can also learn and you can set the model and for her and your other children. Good lesson in boundaries and kibud em. If it is really intense make sure to help her connect up with a mentor who will help her modulate and balance living in a family in a way that helps her also observe kibud eim.

If she has so much free time and energy she can also be doing more things either around the house or elsewhere depending upon the circumstances. If you have the time and inclination you can offer to learn with her a topic/sefer of mutual interest.

Sometimes the real test and lesson is in how we handle it.

Hugs and hatzlocha

amother

Hotpink

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:52 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Yes! I have a few post sem and some teenagers and I feel judged all the time, sometimes I cry.

Oh Honey,
Don't cry.
Mock them (but to DH-not to their face).

Ruchel

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 5:58 am

This is very hard. If they make you cry, you should tell them they are havin g a HUGE avera. Don't say you cry, don't show witness, but onas devarim and parental respect ...

essie14

Tue, Sep 22 2020, 6:14 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

Yes! I have a few post sem and some teenagers and I feel judged all the time, sometimes I cry.

Oh, honey, don't cry. PM me and we can mock them and laugh. It's totally a source of entertainment for DH and me (behind closed doors, of course).