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Dd bullied on bus...mom denies it how to continue?
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:03 pm
My dd, 5 yrs old, is quiet and has speech delays. But, many times if someone "starts up" with her, she will defend herself.

My dd got off the bus and was missing her sweater.
Then, another mom said my dd threw her dds sweater on the floor.

I said my dd would only do it in self defense, and my dd was missing her sweater.
(The driver ended up returning it as he found it on the floor.)
Basically, this mom is always saying my dd bothered her dd.
But, my dd had pointed out this girl when there was no bus as the girl who bothers me and "touches me".

The mom even admitted that her dd is very social. In my opinion, sometimes these kids may not respect personal space.

The mom then told me shes not accusing me(which she is) and shes just listening to her dd.
She told me "I'm not accusing your dd. I'm just telling you what my dd told me" later the mon said "I know my dd is not lying".

Of course, I pointed out that no adult is on the bus.

I also told her that the next day, I put my dd in a seat belt(she cant open it) so her dd must have
Got up to my dd.


How do I defend my dd (as I'm afraid that mom would try to get my dd thrown off) and still "keep the peace" and deal with this mom who is accusing my dd and then acting like shes not??

Anyone have experience with this such that bullies lie and their parents believe them, but the quiet/vulnerable kid will not be able to express what happened, so the "victim" is caught defending herself ???
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amother




Slateblue
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:08 pm
I would call the school about having adult supervision on the bus.

Btw, I wouldn't tie your daughter in with a seatbelt she cant open if the other girl is moving around freely. You're leaving you're child defenseless to this bully.

Are there older children on the bus? Can you speak to a 12 year old to look out for your daughter until the school provides supervi?
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:12 pm
It appears that both you and the other mom are digging in, claiming that your child cannot be doing any wrong, and that it must be 100% the other child.

Its likely that the truth is in between.

IMNSHO, you need to say "thank you for reporting what your daughter said. I've taken it very seriously, and spoken to my daughter about it. Her story is very different. Please hear me out, as I've heard you, and speak to your daughter about it. If we're unable to resolve the situation, I suggest that we ensure that the girls are not together, to avoid any repeat." Set it up so that whomever is on first takes the seat closest to the front that's available, and the second on has to be at least 4 seats away. In the future, whomever breaks the rule is deemed responsible.
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octopus




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:40 pm
Don't deal with the mother. Complain to the school!
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 10:53 pm
If you are concerned that your daughter is being bullied, please please please take her off the bus ASAP. And find another way to transport her until here is adult supervision on the bus. She should not be on an unsupervised bus with kids that are mistreating her.There could be serious ramifications to bullying!
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:04 pm
I agree with the poster whom says to pull her off the bus until this gets resolved. At this point, it's not about being right; it's about protecting your daughter.

Unless you want to volunteer as bus monitor?
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:08 pm
You might both be right. "The girl who touches me" leaves a lot of space for something that the other girl sees as fine and your dd sees as threatening. So the other girl assumes your dd is attacking her in response to nothing, and your dd sees the other girl as coming at her first.

You would need an adult to figure this out.
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little neshamala




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:27 pm
OP-button cam. Theyre not even expensive anymore
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Tue, Sep 22 2020, 11:31 pm
little neshamala wrote:
OP-button cam. Theyre not even expensive anymore

Tread carefully. There may be legal issues involved with doing this on a school bus. If parents haven't consented for their kids to be filmed. Not just the one bothering your daughter.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:11 am
SixOfWands wrote:
It appears that both you and the other mom are digging in, claiming that your child cannot be doing any wrong, and that it must be 100% the other child.

Its likely that the truth is in between.

IMNSHO, you need to say "thank you for reporting what your daughter said. I've taken it very seriously, and spoken to my daughter about it. Her story is very different. Please hear me out, as I've heard you, and speak to your daughter about it. If we're unable to resolve the situation, I suggest that we ensure that the girls are not together, to avoid any repeat." Set it up so that whomever is on first takes the seat closest to the front that's available, and the second on has to be at least 4 seats away. In the future, whomever breaks the rule is deemed responsible.


wow! you know the right words to say!!

we were "at each others throats defending our kids" on the phone....but in the end we said that we would separate them...(but I told the mom that the first day she texted me about the issue, I had already asked the teacher to separate them...so I suspect her dd goes to mine...)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:13 am
little neshamala wrote:
OP-button cam. Theyre not even expensive anymore


great idea bec legal issues or not..once there is a video...it proves whats going on...

unfortunately, this is not realistic bec my dd will probably come home without it...
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:15 am
thanks everyone for replying.

I definitely think the dd of this mom is manipulating her and out of control as the mom told me "her dd doesnt listen to go to sleep and get up for the bus" the girl at 5 yrs old refuses to listen and go to sleep...mom has no control and even asked our advice about this earlier when we met at beg. Of the year....

It seems this mom just "believes and listens to everything her dd says " and the dd takes advantage and manipulates the mom ...

I suspect she has had issues with her dd before but wont admit it's her dd!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:19 am
amother [ Plum ] wrote:
You might both be right. "The girl who touches me" leaves a lot of space for something that the other girl sees as fine and your dd sees as threatening. So the other girl assumes your dd is attacking her in response to nothing, and your dd sees the other girl as coming at her first.

You would need an adult to figure this out.


Yes! You explained it very well!
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:20 am
Insist that the girls be kept apart!

Frame it in a way that it's for the good of BOTH girls, to avoid finger pointing. Call it a "personality conflict" or "social mismatch".

My DD was very reactionary, and anyone who poked her always got a very satisfying retaliation. Things would escalate pretty quickly from there. Half the time, DD would come home complaining "Sarala hit me FOR NO REASON!" When I would ask her what happened right before she got hit, she'd say "I was just singing this song I really like..." and probably annoying the heck out of Sarale, who had heard it 100 times before. Kids really aren't aware of what sets each other off most of the time.

Other times, kids can be bored, and want a reaction from someone because it passes the time. Siblings in the back seat, on a long road trip, are a perfect example. "Stop touching me! You're sitting too close! Quit breathing my air!" Argue Many bus drivers have learned that playing music at a certain volume is enough to keep kids from turning on each other.
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octopus




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:29 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
thanks everyone for replying.

I definitely think the dd of this mom is manipulating her and out of control as the mom told me "her dd doesnt listen to go to sleep and get up for the bus" the girl at 5 yrs old refuses to listen and go to sleep...mom has no control and even asked our advice about this earlier when we met at beg. Of the year....

It seems this mom just "believes and listens to everything her dd says " and the dd takes advantage and manipulates the mom ...

I suspect she has had issues with her dd before but wont admit it's her dd!


Oh give me a break! A five year old is not manipulative if they refuse to go to sleep. How many kids do you have??? That doesn't mean "mom has no control." You cannot call up a parent to complain about their child. 98% of the time it is not received well. It is only the rare parent that will hear you out. Deal with the school. But be careful. Don't paint the other kid as a monster. Like a previous poster said, you tell the school that it's not a good match for them to be near each other at all. Use pareve language but get your point across. Welcome to life as a parent. You will need to learn how to be a diplomat to advocate for your child. Only pull out the heavy guns when diplomatic channels don't work.
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amother




Turquoise
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:54 am
well said octopus
sage experienced advice Op
hope you will take it
definitely the way to proceed forward and keep in mind for the long haul
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amother




Ivory
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:25 am
If a mother accused my kid of bullying because her daughter left her sweater on a bus I also wouldn't exactly be open to hearing her out.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:49 am
SixOfWands wrote:
It appears that both you and the other mom are digging in, claiming that your child cannot be doing any wrong, and that it must be 100% the other child.

Its likely that the truth is in between.

IMNSHO, you need to say "thank you for reporting what your daughter said. I've taken it very seriously, and spoken to my daughter about it. Her story is very different. Please hear me out, as I've heard you, and speak to your daughter about it. If we're unable to resolve the situation, I suggest that we ensure that the girls are not together, to avoid any repeat." Set it up so that whomever is on first takes the seat closest to the front that's available, and the second on has to be at least 4 seats away. In the future, whomever breaks the rule is deemed responsible.


This is excellent advice...
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:59 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
thanks everyone for replying.

I definitely think the dd of this mom is manipulating her and out of control as the mom told me "her dd doesnt listen to go to sleep and get up for the bus" the girl at 5 yrs old refuses to listen and go to sleep...mom has no control and even asked our advice about this earlier when we met at beg. Of the year....

It seems this mom just "believes and listens to everything her dd says " and the dd takes advantage and manipulates the mom ...

I suspect she has had issues with her dd before but wont admit it's her dd!

Is this your oldest child? Because this is really not a thing. I could also very well see the other mom saying you are the mom who is denying issues with your own kid.

The thing to do moving forward is involve the school or drive your kid to school yourself. Contacting the other mom is not a great idea.
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 9:06 am
When my daughter was being bullied in school, I did not involve the parents at all, I don't see the point. Especially in little kids. I had the teachers and principal deal with it. Parents get very defensive if they hear that their kids bully.
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