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Younger dd developing faster than her older sister
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 6:15 am
Today my 8.5 yo dd said to me her chest area hurts. I felt it a bit and I said to her "You're growing! It hurts a bit when it grows.". She is starting to develop and her 10 yo sister is flat as a board. The younger one also has more acne. At this rate, the younger one could feasibly get her period first. I know I'm jumping the gun, and it's great that each one develops at her own pace, and it's perfectly ok to develop a bit at 8.5 and it's perfectly ok to be flat at 10.

But how can I make the older dd feel good about herself when her younger sister is becoming a woman at a faster pace? She doesn't have the best self esteem as it is.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 6:34 am
If she is really developing at eight and a half, you might want to speak to her doctor about potential precocious puberty, and consider whether you would want to take action to delay it. That there was a long thread about that here recently, which I stopped following, but I'm sure it contained multiple opinions on the subject, and possibly even some factual information.

In terms of periods, do they actually have to know about each others personal details like that? Maybe my house was unusual, but once my mother had made sure we knew what happened, what it meant, and how to deal with it, we never discussed periods. If we had a question, we only asked it when no one else was there. I didn't know when my sisters started, nor which week they had it. It just was never a topic to be discussed.

I know I was furious when my younger sister got taller than I was, but it wasn't a shock. She had been nearly there for months. As for dealing with acne, bras, periods and everything else that goes along with puberty - I just considered it all a nuisance, and was glad not to deal with it a day earlier than I had to. But none of it was linked to self esteem.

For years I had known that my sister and I had very different body types. She was taller and broader for her age than I ever was. I was inclined towards being petite. She had short curly hair, I had long straight hair. Our personalities and hobbies were different. So our bodies also developed differently. It was a natural outcome of different body types, not a competition.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:05 am
Elfrida wrote:
If she is really developing at eight and a half, you might want to speak to her doctor about potential precocious puberty, and consider whether you would want to take action to delay it. That there was a long thread about that here recently, which I stopped following, but I'm sure it contained multiple opinions on the subject, and possibly even some factual information.


Is 8.5 so young to develop breast buds and need a training bra?

OP, how tall is your 8.5-year-old daughter? And does she have other signs of puberty?
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:10 am
According to the Tanner stages one would expect to see breast buds (and the beginning of pubic hair) some time between ages nine to eleven. Acne is not really expected until age twelve.
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amother




Cyan
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:19 am
amother [ Magenta ] wrote:
Is 8.5 so young to develop breast buds and need a training bra?

OP, how tall is your 8.5-year-old daughter? And does she have other signs of puberty?


Yes, I think 8.5 is too young to need a training bra. Even 10 is on the young side but within the normal range.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:23 am
Elfrida wrote:
According to the Tanner stages one would expect to see breast buds (and the beginning of pubic hair) some time between ages nine to eleven. Acne is not really expected until age twelve.


So OP's daughter is 8.5. A little before 9, but not terribly so.

I had acne and breast buds at age 8.5. I don't remember about pubic hair. Got my period the week before I turned 11. That's early, but not outrageously early (range is 10-15). I was 5'1" when I got my period. I'm 5'3" now, which is pretty much an average height for a frum woman, if a little on the shorter side. Have had a regular period all my life, regular fertility B'H.

I still think OP should check with the doctor to be on the safe side, but no reason to worry.

As far as the older sister, I don't know if they're always so aware of this difference. If anything, it's easier for a 10-year-old not to develop yet.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:26 am
I was the older sister (by a year and a half) who developed later than her younger sister. At that age there was no ‘becoming a woman’ on my radar. It was about changes that happen to your body as you get older. My mother spoke to us at the same time about a period. My sister got bras first. I got deodorant when she did even though I didn’t need it. It’s more about the individual stages at that point. IMO no 10 year old is thinking ‘but what about my womanhood’ they know that they have different bodies, I would stress that each body does things at its own pace.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:28 am
amother [ Cyan ] wrote:
Yes, I think 8.5 is too young to need a training bra. Even 10 is on the young side but within the normal range.


I think it varies by family. My family norm was that we all developed earlier. We're all normal heights. Got our periods between 9.5-11. Grew a few inches afterward (one sister grew more than a few). My mom was the same way.

I got a regular bra when I was 10.5, not a training bra. I was a 34B at that point. Interestingly, I only got to 34C by the time I hit high school. I'm a 34D now.

We did have awkward and difficult preteen experiences until other kids caught up, but I don't think that's a good reason to put hormones into the body.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:28 am
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
I was the older sister (by a year and a half) who developed later than her younger sister. At that age there was no ‘becoming a woman’ on my radar. It was about changes that happen to your body as you get older. My mother spoke to us at the same time about a period. My sister got bras first. I got deodorant when she did even though I didn’t need it. It’s more about the individual stages at that point. IMO no 10 year old is thinking ‘but what about my womanhood’ they know that they have different bodies, I would stress that each body does things at its own pace.


Exactly.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:35 am
I think it was easier for me and my younger sister, because we each took after different sides of the family, and looked very different from each other. One more difference didn't even get on our radar.

I was always curvy, with straight blonde hair. She was stick thin, with curly dark hair. She got taller than me when we hit our teens.

All this puberty and period stuff was very private by us. It was never shameful, but it wasn't exactly the topic of dinner table discussion, either. We didn't compare notes or anything. Nobody noticed who was using the pads under the bathroom cabinet, or when. Mom just kept it stocked, and nobody needed to say anything.

(Sis also got married well before I did. It was not a "thing" to worry about.)
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:13 am
She doesn't have any serious development yet, more like just bit of fat. For the record, I had real development at 7.5 and I didn't get my period until 12.5, so I'm not so worried.

As a girl, I really glorified hitting puberty, in an unhealthy way. It was more than a rite of passage. I had some bad values instilled in me as a child, and I try very hard not to pass that on to my kids. I also try not to go to the opposite extreme, so if my kids ask questions, I try to answer on their level. I do hope my kids won't think about it one way or another who starts with a bra first, but in my head, it's a bit of a letdown if the younger one gets there first. I hope my older dd doesn't pick up on my feelings, even if I never voice them out loud.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:28 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
She doesn't have any serious development yet, more like just bit of fat. For the record, I had real development at 7.5 and I didn't get my period until 12.5, so I'm not so worried.

As a girl, I really glorified hitting puberty, in an unhealthy way. It was more than a rite of passage. I had some bad values instilled in me as a child, and I try very hard not to pass that on to my kids. I also try not to go to the opposite extreme, so if my kids ask questions, I try to answer on their level. I do hope my kids won't think about it one way or another who starts with a bra first, but in my head, it's a bit of a letdown if the younger one gets there first. I hope my older dd doesn't pick up on my feelings, even if I never voice them out loud.

Sounds like you are confusing puberty with s-xuality.
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amother




Tangerine
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:30 am
OP, I hear your concerns! My 2 DDs are 2 years apart; the older one was always sensitive about the fact that her younger sister was the same height as her (probably by ages 8/6 or so) and then got taller than her. Younger DD started developing at a younger age, and I had a fear that she would get her period first, but thankfully DD#1 got her period at 13.5, a few months before her younger sister at 12. Even if we didn't really talk about it, I knew they would notice what was in the bathroom garbage etc.

A lot of it has to do about how competitive they are in general. Like in every other area, work on making each girl feel good about herself and special in her own way to decrease competition as much as possible.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:11 am
Funny you look at this way. I would have been thrilled to develop later. I don’t know any ten year old who wishes she was developing already.
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amother




Magenta
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 12:41 pm
amother [ Papaya ] wrote:
Funny you look at this way. I would have been thrilled to develop later. I don’t know any ten year old who wishes she was developing already.


Same here! I did not enjoy it, but it was just a fact of life for me.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:05 pm
amother [ Olive ] wrote:
Sounds like you are confusing puberty with s-xuality.


This is very insightful. You're definitely right. But isn't developing a womanly figure and starting to cycle sort of part and parcel with s-xuality? I don't think that part of my understanding is wrong. It's maybe the unhealthy way I see s-xuality that could be a problem.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:11 pm
I got my period before my older sister. I was 14 and she was 15 when I got it (she got her period at 17). At the time I was around 5'5 and she was 5'4. Today, however, my sister is 5'9 and I'm 5'6 so there you go. Our mother told me not to mention it to her so she wouldn't feel embarrassed. Another one of our sisters got her period at 12 but it was after both of us and she is very short at 5'3 so.... It would be best to tell her to be sensitive to her sister and also to discuss it with your pediatrician.
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amother




Amethyst
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:16 pm
I got mine before both of my older sisters at 11 yo. Lucky them. Thy got it soon after.
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Elfrida




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:17 pm
Puberty precedes se-xuality. The one does not equal the other.

Se-xulaity and the awareness thereof can come quite a few years after puberty, especially if the girl is in a relatively sheltered environment where she is not told what she ought to be feeling.
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amother




Olive
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 1:17 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
This is very insightful. You're definitely right. But isn't developing a womanly figure and starting to cycle sort of part and parcel with s-xuality? I don't think that part of my understanding is wrong. It's maybe the unhealthy way I see s-xuality that could be a problem.


Developing a female body and developing a healthy s-xuality are not synonymous with each other. IMO. I personally think that this lumping together the female with s-xuality is a big problem in the right wing Yeshiva world, specially with young men. A woman’s body is not just about s*x. And it’s important that when our daughters start developing their external female organs this is not the message that is given to them.

Edited to add: when my mother taught me about my period I didn’t get a lesson on s*x at that time. I fully understand their intertwined connections but I don’t think part 2 is for an 8 year old or a 10 year old. Especially one being raised among frum people.
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