Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children
Preparing teenage children for divorce



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:07 pm
DH has cheated on me multiple times (just getting that out of the way so no one spends the entire thread trying to convince me to stay married) and I plan on getting divorced in a year or so (trying to put financial and other details in order).
My kids (ages 12-22) will be... shocked and upset. I don’t plan on telling them his issues (I don’t think it’s appropriate). I am worried that a couple of my older ones in specific will be really upset at me for “lying” to them all these years, for pretending things were okay when they weren’t... so I guess I’m kinda wondering now, should I say something already (things aren’t going well, there’s a good chance we’ll get divorced in a year or two) so that they feel less betrayed (by my having said nothing all this time) when they find out what’s happening or
will that just make them upset for an extra year or two (while they worry about what MAY happen) and just deal with them being really upset I didn’t say anything earlier when I do eventually tell them...
To be clear, I wouldn’t consider saying anything to the younger kids, just the oldest one or two (who I know will be upset later...)
I think this is one of those things that will be hard regardless but trying to think of ... what will be less hard I guess?
If you were a child whose parents divorced, what would you have wanted?
Back to top

amother
Ecru


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:34 pm
Oy this is so painful:( are you on good terms with your husband? Will you have his support?

Personally I don't think I would say anything about their father. It is his job to own up to them.
Back to top

amother
Burgundy


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:36 pm
OP, I'm sorry you're going thru this.
I don't think I'd say anything to the kids at this point.
Back to top

singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:44 pm
I think it depends on the kid. You have to know each kid how might respond and try to guess if they will be more or less upset.

Do you have someone irl you can ask for advice who also know you're kids?
Back to top

Fave




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:55 pm
They should hear it from you first before there’s a chance that they’ll hear from the street.
Back to top

amother
Black


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 3:55 pm
Kids are sometimes more perceptive than we think. My friend got dived when her kids were between 12-17 and she was scared to tell them. There response was BH what took so long.
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:10 pm
I would not tell them anything until actively actually divorcing. A lot can happen in a year.
When telling them I would keep it as parve as possible and generic stereotypical: I am so sorry we both love you not your fault etc I am here for you you can tell me anything if you want a therapist objective person thats fine etc...it's a process. If they are angry at you they can voice it and you will tell them you are doing the best you can and it is adult business between you and their father. While you may feel you are "lying" you are doing the right thing, you are keeping things as stable for them for as long as possible, there is no better choice. Kids can get angry in general about divorce or at parents but having it hang over their head for longer does not help. When it is happening in actuality you will tell them it is always hard.
You do not owe them a heads up or an explanation and more importantly it does not help or soften the blow.

So sorry you are dealing with this.

Mega hugs and hatzlocha.
Back to top

amother
Maroon


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:29 pm
If the divorce isn't imminent then I wouldn't tell the kids and have it hanging over their heads for so long or, even worse, they may get it into their heads to try to make shalom between you and your husband. However, this gives you time to stop pretending that everything is perfectly fine. It would probably be less of a shock to them if they realize on their own that there are issues than if you announce a divorce out of the blue.

It would be a good idea for you to consult with a family therapist who specializes in such matters and can help you navigate the next few years as best as possible.
Back to top

ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:33 pm
What does your husband think of this? Does he know you're planning to get divorced? I think first priority needs to be protecting yourself on that front. IE not telling them anything that he's not fully aware of, and not telling them anything that's going to make him angry (+ therefore make it harder to have a relatively civil divorce process).

Assuming that's not an issue... Honestly, unless you and your husband are both making an effort to act loving in front of the kids, they're going to know something's up. So I don't think you need to go out of your way to prepare them for a divorce. Just don't lie about it; don't tell them everything is fine, or that you're going to work it out.

BTW that's my advice for all of the kids, even the 12-year-old. It's scary for kids to hear that something is seriously wrong in their parents' marriage, but it's also scary to get completely blindsided by a divorce announcement. There's no way to make this good - but you (and your dh) can make it open, and honest, and that will at least make it a little less scary because they'll know they can trust you.

(open and honest about the fact of the divorce, that is - not what went wrong, or current financial battles, or any other details like that)
Back to top

amother
Pearl


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:41 pm
I wouldn't necessarily say anything right now, because it will just stress them out.
I would stop pretending everything is all right.
You're a better woman than me, I would be so tempted to tell my older kids that their father was not exactly faithful. I know, I know, it's not the right thing to do, or at least these days it's not considered the right thing to do. But it would be sooo tempting, especially as it would pretty much ensure that you would not be blamed for the divorce.
Back to top

Cheiny




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:41 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
DH has cheated on me multiple times (just getting that out of the way so no one spends the entire thread trying to convince me to stay married) and I plan on getting divorced in a year or so (trying to put financial and other details in order).
My kids (ages 12-22) will be... shocked and upset. I don’t plan on telling them his issues (I don’t think it’s appropriate). I am worried that a couple of my older ones in specific will be really upset at me for “lying” to them all these years, for pretending things were okay when they weren’t... so I guess I’m kinda wondering now, should I say something already (things aren’t going well, there’s a good chance we’ll get divorced in a year or two) so that they feel less betrayed (by my having said nothing all this time) when they find out what’s happening or
will that just make them upset for an extra year or two (while they worry about what MAY happen) and just deal with them being really upset I didn’t say anything earlier when I do eventually tell them...
To be clear, I wouldn’t consider saying anything to the younger kids, just the oldest one or two (who I know will be upset later...)
I think this is one of those things that will be hard regardless but trying to think of ... what will be less hard I guess?
If you were a child whose parents divorced, what would you have wanted?


I don’t think you need to say anything now or in advance, the news will be shocking and hurtful to them no matter when it happens, and there’s no sense in letting them have to know it now and deal with what’s coming for a whole extra year.
I’m glad you won’t be telling them about their father’s cheating because it is their father and they’ll want to have a relationship with him no matter what, and you come out being the bigger person by not besmirching their father to them. I have a feeling they’ll somehow find that out or figure it out on their own.
I’m just wondering if there’s any way you can speed up the process because it really isn’t good for you to have to stay in the loveless, miserable marriage for another year. Are you sure you won’t be able to manage the finances if you leave now? Your husband will no doubt have to pay you maintenance and child support....
Whatever happens, I wish you luck and I hope it goes as well as possible for you and your children. You’re doing the right thing leaving a repeat cheater. He doesn’t deserve you.
Back to top

amother
Sapphire


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:44 pm
Good for you if you were really able to hide it from them until now! Do they really have no clue that things are bad? Being that I am closer in age with your oldest kids, I will give you the perspective that I would never like to have a bombshell thrown on me out of no where. Maybe not tell them outright just yet if you feel it is too soon, but drop hints (ex. casually have in conversation not every marriage works out...). Find out what their views are about marriage and drop hints there (after all they are marriageable age or close to it).
Back to top

amother
cornflower


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:51 pm
I know even adult kids who were upset that their mother told them that their father was a serial cheater. It did not endear her to them or "excuse" the divorce or blame him (tho would be rightfully) the kids even as adults just do not want to know this about their parents. And yes they do want to have a relationship with both parents and this knowledge and having it out in the open that their mother knows and what their father did to their mother is not helpful.
No matter when you tell them it is a bombshell.

terrible situation and so sorry for you Op
Back to top

amother
Amethyst


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 1:33 pm
Do not pre-tell any aged child. Under any circumstance.
Back to top

imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 2:04 pm
I agree with most of the above.

To summarize:

1. Wait until you and DH have discussed divorce. Tell the kids together, with both of you there. Reassure them this is about the two of you, and you both love them very much.

2. If older kids ask why, say, "some things are private, but there were good reasons", and clamp your lips closed. Wash, rinse, repeat.

3. If you tell them after the one moving out has found a new place, you can show them. This is comforting for kids.

4. As a therapist told me, "there are no A's in divorce." Expect bumps in the road. Take the long view.

Hatzlacha!
Back to top

essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Sep 25 2020, 1:58 am
imasinger wrote:
I agree with most of the above.

To summarize:

1. Wait until you and DH have discussed divorce. Tell the kids together, with both of you there. Reassure them this is about the two of you, and you both love them very much.

2. If older kids ask why, say, "some things are private, but there were good reasons", and clamp your lips closed. Wash, rinse, repeat.

3. If you tell them after the one moving out has found a new place, you can show them. This is comforting for kids.

4. As a therapist told me, "there are no A's in divorce." Expect bumps in the road. Take the long view.

Hatzlacha!

Agreed. I would enlist the help of a family therapist. he/she can guide you.
It's likely your kids know you don't have a great marriage. Kids pick up on a lot. That doesn't mean they're prepared for divorce.

Keep the reasons private. "Sometimes marriages dont work out. We love you all very much and that will never change."
Back to top
Page 1 of 1 Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
Outdoor sensory table for older children
by amother
0 Today at 11:44 am View last post
Questions for published children books authors
by amother
2 Today at 9:23 am View last post
How to teach children not to talk to strangers
by amother
4 Yesterday at 3:49 pm View last post
Please don't bring babies or young children to megillah
by dena613
166 Mon, Mar 25 2024, 5:43 pm View last post
Any awesome instagram accts for moms of autistic children?
by amother
5 Thu, Mar 21 2024, 1:26 pm View last post