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She wants it back
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silverlining3




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:26 pm
I'm sensing notice a bit in advance would help your feelings.

Hope you get back those heartfelt thanks feelings for the time you benefited from it.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:31 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
Bad feeling? No heartfelt thanks for the months that you had the use of this item? Because your friend's generosity to you didn't last quite as long as you'd hoped, her previous months of generosity count for nothing? What are you, six years old?


Not very nice amother, IMO, especially being the aseres yimei teshuva.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 9:38 pm
I don’t know what you borrowed but I lent someone a car seat for her newborn and I didnt feel comfortable to ask for it back.
Meantime her baby had an upsherin already and she’s now using it for the next baby.
She never said a word about it since the day she came to pick it up to “borrow” and neither did I.
She barely even said thank you at the time because it was only borrowing.
I don’t want it back anymore.
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amother
Brown


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 9:57 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would not need it for more than a couple more months. She definitely does not need it and definitely is giving it to someone else who could use it the same way I can.

I understand the wish to give it to the new person - she feels she is giving and that feels good.

But as far as working on sharing, from her point of view, is it not as big of a mitzvah to let me have it longer vs giving it to two people for shorter?

I just feel bad that instead of returning with the heartfelt thanks I felt yesterday, I'm returning it with a bad feeling.


no offense but the bad feeling is on you. You need to not let on at all that you feel anything other than heartfelt appreciation.
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amother
Rose


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 9:57 pm
Lawn green- that certainly can be upsetting.
But I think-
it would be a chesed to mention it to her (in the right way of course).
Because if she somehow forgot, it’s still on her cheshbon in shamayim that didn’t return it.
Either that, or to be mochel it and consider it as a gift with a full heart.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:00 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
Lawn green- that certainly can be upsetting.
But I think-
it would be a chesed to mention it to her (in the right way of course).
Because if she somehow forgot, it’s still on her cheshbon in shamayim that didn’t return it.
Either that, or to be mochel it and consider it as a gift with a full heart.

I’m mochel a hundred percent.
This thread just reminded me.
I wonder what she thinks or thought.
To me borrowing is not for long term.
Unless it’s something like a mortgage.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:25 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would not need it for more than a couple more months. She definitely does not need it and definitely is giving it to someone else who could use it the same way I can.

I understand the wish to give it to the new person - she feels she is giving and that feels good.

But as far as working on sharing, from her point of view, is it not as big of a mitzvah to let me have it longer vs giving it to two people for shorter?

I just feel bad that instead of returning with the heartfelt thanks I felt yesterday, I'm returning it with a bad feeling.

So maybe try to be dan lkaf zchus.
Maybe that person signed on a loan for her and now needs this favor back?
Maybe that other lady hosted her kids while she went on vacation and she really feels a need to reciprocate a favor back?
Maybe she wants to become friends with that family because her father in law is opening a kollel where she hopes to get her husband/son into?
I mean the possibilities are endless and this item is HERS.
Why would you have a bad feeling?
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amother
Green


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:40 pm
Op it does seem like you may be upset that she wants it back now “when she doesn’t need it” and when you are not finished with it yet- good idea as poster said to b dlkz and let go of any assumptions . Maybe it is a car seat. Maybe she does really “owe” this person or something. You May wish shed said she already lent it out and that’s it but it is up to her and you May feel better if you assume she’s does have a good reason you do not know about. She may have made her a promise of lending it long ago and in advance of you borrowing the item or before she realized yours was not a "short term borrow" but an "until I am done using it borrow".
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Mama Bear




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:43 pm
See, these kinds of stories end up in Mishpacha as Double Takes.... there is communication lacking here... have you told her you still need that item for a while longer?
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Wed, Sep 23 2020, 10:56 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
See, these kinds of stories end up in Mishpacha as Double Takes.... there is communication lacking here... have you told her you still need that item for a while longer?

Please don’t.
It’s hers, don’t make her uncomfortable for doing a chessed.
Some people don’t lend at all.
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amother
Lemon


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:30 am
OP, I totally get how you’re feeling!!

If someone lent me a car seat so I wouldn’t have to purchase one, and then asked for it back to lend to someone else, and I still need a car seat- I would feel sad. Now I still need to purchase a car seat! So while I appreciate the tremendous Chesed they did, I would still feel sad.

You ladies are talking about giving giving $1 to 100 people versus $100 to 1 person. I don’t believe that translates to this scenario.

Person a needs a car seat. Chani lends person a a car seat. 3 months later chani asks for it back to lend to person b.

Now person a has to buy a car seat.

3 months later chani asks for it back from person b to lend to person c.

Now person b has to buy a car seat.

I believe it would have been a greater Chesed to let person a use it until she no longer needed it, than lend it for half the amount of time needed to two different people, and both ultimately have to purchase a car seat anyway.

When you do a mitzvah, do it all the way.

Is it better to give 2 ppl a ride halfway to their homes? Or give 1 person a ride all the way home?

Op, I’m with you. I second the opinion that you tell the lender thanks so much I really enjoyed it for the last few months and I’m so appreciative. I really wish I could use it a while longer. Is that at all a possibility?

Hatzlacha however you decide to go about this.
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amother
Navy


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:46 am
amother [ Lawngreen ] wrote:
Please don’t.
It’s hers, don’t make her uncomfortable for doing a chessed.
Some people don’t lend at all.

Agree, I have a feeling that for whatever reason, she wants it back. But is uncomfortable stating that straight out, so she is using an excuse.
Personally I have been in situations where I lent things, they were never returned, and I felt too uncomfortable to ask for them back. Guess what? I no longer lend things to those people. I will give them items, if I know I won't want or need them back. But if it's something that I will want returned, I will lend only to those who I know will be on top of returning or that I feel comfortable with asking for it back.
OP, if you put her on the spot I think in the long run it won't do you any favors.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 2:35 am
OP, would it help to think of it this way? Your friend did not loan this item to you, Hashem did. Hashem decides where this item needs to go, and when. Your friend is just the shaliach.

When I "loan" things, I make it a habit to do so with an open hand, assuming that I will never see it again. I basically "release it into the universe", if you don't mind the new-age expression. I am happy to know that someone else is benefitting, and that I am benefitting from the mitzva.

If I get the item back, it's a gift from Hashem, but it's never expected. (I know, I could never work for a bank with that policy! LOL ) This is why I don't loan out things that I have an attachment to.

If I loan out a dress to someone going to a simcha, and she gets tomato sauce and red wine spilled down the front, I tell myself to be glad that she at least got to show up in a gorgeous dress. If she doesn't get it dry cleaned, I don't hold a grudge. I've already let go of it in my mind, so I don't have any expectations.

It's a very hard lesson to take on, because society in general does not think like that. We work hard, we save our money, and we consider things OURS. The truth, at the end of the day, is that WE DON'T OWN ANYTHING. The world belongs to Hashem, and we are just caretakers.
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twizzlers1




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 3:44 am
It's really sad but I have learned to only lend things that I don't ever want to see again or will be okay never seeing again.It's not a nice feeling when you lend something to someone and you have to beg them to get it back. This goes for something like a lot of money to a bag of milk.The bag of milk doesn't seem like a big thing but when you land a neighbor lots and lots of them over and over again and never get them back It really adds up over time.

Last edited by twizzlers1 on Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:08 am; edited 1 time in total
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 6:34 am
For those of you lending without expectations of return .. why not just say "here you go please have it back by x date" Like a library ... Why do you have to give it up without expectation?

Unless you only mean with specific people?
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 6:45 am
I'm picturing something like a breast pump.

Something that if you had not gotten one to borrow, you might have been investing in a long use, but it's being asked back when you'd be planning to wean before Chanukah. So you're almost done with it, and now have to figure out whether it's worth the investment of buying for a short time.

OP, the resentment probably comes from that feeling of "now what an I going to do?!"

Once you figure out a solution -- a gemach, a yard sale, another friend who can help out for that last bit -- you'll be able to return the item with nothing but gratitude.

So (and I say this with a loving smile) stop stewing and get busy!

Gmar tov.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:21 am
OP can you share with us what the item is?

Also, I think very importantly, what was the arrangement when she first lent it to you?

Did she say, ‘take it till you’re done with it?’
Or, ‘u can use it till someone else needs it?’

In any case, I think you need to work on your middos if u borrowed something that important for x amount of time & u begrudgingly return it (it really doesn’t matter why she asked for it back, u know, it belongs to HER)!
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Raisin




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:26 am
If it is something like a baby rocker or whatever that you really need and only for a limited time, I agree it is a bit rude of her to take it back to give to someone else. But she may have promised it to this other person either not realising you still need it, or before you took it.

If it is something like a bread machine say, a nice thing to have but not essential, and there is no limit on how long you might need it, I think it is ok for the lender to take back.

I wouldn't borrow something like a baby item for less time then I need it...then I will have the hassle and/or expense of trying to aquire a new one.
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amother
Lawngreen


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:32 am
Raisin wrote:
If it is something like a baby rocker or whatever that you really need and only for a limited time, I agree it is a bit rude of her to take it back to give to someone else. But she may have promised it to this other person either not realising you still need it, or before you took it.

If it is something like a bread machine say, a nice thing to have but not essential, and there is no limit on how long you might need it, I think it is ok for the lender to take back.

I wouldn't borrow something like a baby item for less time then I need it...then I will have the hassle and/or expense of trying to aquire a new one.

I think it doesn’t matter what it is.
No one should feel ownership or entitlement over stuff that belong to other people.
Depending on how essential the item is sometimes you need to give a few day notice so she can arrange a new one. (Like a car seat. She can buy or borrow from another friend. It was still a chessed that she didn’t have to run out and buy as a kimpeturin).
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amother
Green


 

Post Thu, Sep 24 2020, 7:33 am
Sounds like a clear case of lack of communication and differing expectations.

Bottom line it is her item and she wants it back. Please do yourself a favor and return it graciously. Good for you for working through any "grudge" which doesn't do you or anyone any favors particularly at this time. You can look at it as a "nisayon". While challenging you can come through this with flying colors!

Hatzlocha.
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