Child hits you | Imamother

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:44 am

Saying you are making mommy sad is not healthy for the child. Some children get anxious that they can’t take care of their parents emotions in different context, because this makes them feel like it’s in their power but it’s not. Also some kids this will backfire, my 4 yr old has responded to your hurting me/making me sad by smirking and doing it again. Someone gave me excellent advise I forgot it was even a problem. She said to redirect the child hands to something positive they can do. It’s a way of connecting with you. We did high fives or held their hand and started dancing. And verbalized hands are for high fives and hugs only with a lighthearted cheeky smile. Control your emotions , stay calm, try not to get angry or frustrated in the moment. Hope this helps. I really have to call her and thank her.

avrahamama

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:55 am

amother [ Chocolate ] wrote:

I've done this also. It's great! "Hands are for high fives. Hands are for shaking. Hands are for waving"

But if the child is really disappointed/frustrated I found helping them explain themselves helps in the long run. " Imma I'm so frustrated that I want this and you said no" music to my ears.

amother

Gray

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:09 am

amother [ Aubergine ] wrote:

I would have said just that another time, but I have taken an extraordinary parenting course where we learn to utilize the parent-child relationship to get results and strengthen the connection. That's where you add your feelings in, which connects an outcome to his behavior and teaches him to express his feelings as well. I can't tell you how amazingly successful this approach is.

I'm sorry for piling on, as others have already made the point, but I want add that guilt IS highly effective at getting kids to behave or not behave a certain way. But Avrahammam's post was spot on.

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:11 am

avrahamama wrote:

sounds like a good addition . like saying “hands are for shaking, I see your so frustrated because imma said no”

amother

Gray

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:26 am

FranticFrummie wrote:

I agree with this. Sometimes saying "Ow, that hurt mommy" isn't enough. The child might laugh and say "Good!" "Making mommy sad" is a whole different level of communication.

It takes a long time for some kids to develop theory of mind. By naming emotions, you help your child realize that you also have feelings. Little kids really can't conceptualize what happens outside of their own reality. It has to be taught and modeled.

I agree in general, that it's important sometimes to share your feelings as a parent.

But the problem here is that the child is hitting as a way of expressing his own emotions. Telling him that his expressing his emotions makes me feel sad, doesn't help him.

Otoh, if he had hurt another child, I might point out or ask how he thinks this made the other child feel , and then follow up with, acceptable ways of expressing yourself as Avramama and Chocolate said.

amother

Coral

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:30 am

Rappel wrote:

If the hitting continues, I hold the child's hand and explain that I can't release them until I'm sure they won't hit. "Hands are for helping, not hurting." Tantrum usually follows; I hold firmly but not painfully to the hand, and let them freak out. I watch them calmly, not my phone, and don't respond to goads - just "when you're ready to talk things out, tell me". If they hit or kick with another limb, I trap that one too. Once they calm down, explain back the lesson to me, and then say sorry for hitting me, then I release them and give them a hug.

I rarely have to repeat this process.

Note: if your child is loose jointed, or the kind of courageous/stubborn where they'd rather be severely punished than back down, then don't use this method. This is just to teach the average child through reasonable consequences. The situation shouldn't escalate.

Ive done this w my then 5 yo. Nothing else worked. And she was so strong and powerful she would leave marks and make us all bleed. A year later she was diagnosed with pans.

If done early enough it can be gentle. But once they are older its actually very voilent imo.

It was horrible. But it had to be done. After a few weeks it stopped bh. Sometimes she'd rage for an hour and is sit and hold her down and cry. Shaking

Zehava

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:19 am

amother [ Jetblack ] wrote:

Sorry, but not hitting is one of the ground rules in our society.

In this case, it applies: these are the rules! No hitting!
And even less hitting a parent!!!

Society says so.
The law says so.
The torah says so.
And I say so.

This is not a rule that is open to debate.

In that case I hope you are following the rules by not hitting your children

#BestBubby

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:35 am

Hitting a Parent is a very, very, very serious Aveirah. An Adult who hits a parent is Chayov Misah!
Honoring Parents is one of the Aseres Hadibros.

You must make child aware that this is a BIG DEAL.

Crouch down to child's eye level - hold the child's hands and in a very serious, stern voice say
very firmly:

"You are never, ever, ever, ever allowed to hit a Mother! This is a very big Aveirah. This is Not Allowed! If you ever do such an Aveirah again - you will get a big punishment!"

Then walk away.

And if the child does it again, give a punishment. Be proactive and decide IN ADVANCE what is
an appropriate punishment so you don't do the wrong thing in the heat of the moment.

#BestBubby

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:50 am

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

OP, what’s the reason you said no?
Did he want to play with something dangerous?
Was it past bedtime and he wanted to watch a video?
Did he want sugar for supper?
What was it that you didn’t let? Can you explain it to him?
First validate, empathize, explain.
“You look really upset. You wanted marshmallows for supper. Marshmallows are so yummy, and I would also be upset if someone didn’t let me eat them. But I do not let hitting. Use your words instead.”

And explain that he needs to eat real food if he wants to be big and strong.

No, when a child hits a mother we do NOT "validate his feelings".

That will make the child feel he is "justified".

Child needs to understand you DO. NOT. HIT. MOTHER. EVER.

end of story. No ifs and or buts.

amother

Aquamarine

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:56 am

#BestBubby wrote:

The Torah allows, even recommends, parents hitting their children.

Stop this nonsense of putting parents and children on the same level!

That's like saying police are bad for locking up criminals in jail.

The Torah never says that.
And until you hold yourself to a Godly standard, I would recommend you cut out the whole “Torah” business. It’s really weakening your argument.

keym

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:58 am

#BestBubby wrote:

Do you have a 3 year old?
So you punish and they know they got you so they hit again. And again. And again.
Because they're 3 and frustrated and don't know how to express it.
And eventually what are you going to do. Beat him up? Tie him to a chair?

OP, I got this idea from a book, but I can't remember which.
He asks for a cookie, I say no, he hits me.
I pick him up, bring him to the couch or bed. Then I say "Moishy wants a cookie so badly so he hit Mommy. We don't hit Mommy. We hit a pillow." Then I take his hand and we hit the pillow together and say "I'm so so angry. But I'm hitting the pillow instead of hitting a person". Over and over until he calms down and we can talk rationally.

lilies

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:59 am

Rappel wrote:

I love this disclaimer!
Well said.

#BestBubby

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:00 pm

amother [ Aquamarine ] wrote:

The Torah never says that.
And until you hold yourself to a Godly standard, I would recommend you cut out the whole “Torah” business. It’s really weakening your argument.

You don't consider Mishlei to be Torah?

"He who witholds his rod, hates his son"

The Talmud says a teacher should not hit students during the nine days, which implies
at other times it is permitted.

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:02 pm

Zehava wrote:

In that case I hope you are following the rules by not hitting your children

Of course!

That's a rule that applies to every family member.

I would not tolerate my husband hitting me, and I don't tolerate my child hitting me.
I would not tolerate my husband insulting me, and I don't tolerate my child insulting me.

Those are my basic rights!!!! And I enforce them!!!!!

And of course I don't hit, neither my husband nor my children.
I abide by the same rules!!!

I find it strange, zehava, that you have no clear vision of those basic rules.

Children also have to abide by the rules. It's no free-for all...

amother

Slateblue

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:03 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

1. No, the Torah does not recommend it, and in some cases is assur for parents to hit their children if it will cause the children to hit back.
2. How does it put parents and children on the same level? Employers don't hit employees. The President of the United States doesn't hit citizens. Hierarchy does not mean hitting.
3. Locking up criminals in jail is sometimes necessary, but if it is done cruelly, excessively, or in a way that provokes more crime, that is bad.

#BestBubby

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:04 pm

keym wrote:

I raised children who are now parents.

My children never hit me (I had a child who would tantrum and kick the wall when he heard no).

But I remember hitting my mother at around age 4 and that is what my mother said to me.

My Mother never looked so serious about any other bad behavior I did so it made a big impression
on me and I never did it again.

This is a powerful tool if you use it only for "Big Aveiros".

amother

Jetblack

Thu, Sep 24 2020, 12:13 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I agree that children should not hit their parents and that it should be nipped in the bud. On the other hand, if it's a toddler, it's no reason to get all worked up either. This happens when they are small, and it has to be stopped.

Your text seems a bit long for a toddler to understand. I would keep it shorter.

Also, the announcement of future punishment if action is repeated might not be very efficient, because toddlers do not yet have this kind of long-term-thinking.

Also, I don't think it is good to threaten a "big punishment" the next time and to follow through, I would do exactly the same thing the next time and maybe even tune out reaction, next time a stern look might be enough to stop him, if it isn't I'd stop the hand a gain and again say sternly "no hitting".

If your threatened "big punishment" is any form of corporal punishment, then you are out of my ballpark, I think hitting and corporal punishment is unacceptable.

It is also counterproductive (teach a child not to hit by hitting it? hello?) and bigotted ("I'm allowed to hit, but you aren't").

So, "BestBubby", it looks as if a parenting course would be quite beneficial to you... so that you can be and stay the "best bubby"...