Bedtime - worth fighting over?

amother

Fri, Sep 25 2020, 8:08 am

12 yr old DD is kh a great girl all-around. She has great middos, she is helpful around the house, responsible, mature, etc. Our one sticking point is (and has always been) bedtime. She goes to bed waaay past her bedtime, and every night turns into a fight to get her into bed. This year, we agreed that she can have a bedtime of 10:30 (which I still think is too late, but she claims all her friends go to bed later than this). I was hoping that with such a late bedtime, we won't have this fight anymore. But now she goes to bed even later!! If we aren't on top of her, she goes to sleep around 11:45. When we try to get her to go to bed, she procrastinates (which makes us upset) or gets upset at us for making her go to bed when all her friends are still up and by the time she gets into bad, all 3 of us (me, husband and her) are all in bad moods from an hour of fighting to get her into bed. It's such a shame to give her consequences, bec' besides for this area she's really mature and responsible, and it makes her feel so juvenile to get consequences. But even when we do give consequences, she just gets resentful and chutzpahdig and her bedtime doesn't improve.

I feel like it's such a chaval for this sticking point to be affecting our relationship which is otherwise very good. But on the other hand, she's a growing girl who needs sleep, and she also has anxiety - for which proper sleep is crucial.

Should I just let this issue slide for the sake of our relationship? If not, parents of teens - please give me advice on how to deal with this without it snowballing into resentment.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Sep 25 2020, 8:15 am

What happens when she goes to sleep late? Does she still get up on time for school, function well? Or is she late, grumpy, etc.? That might help you figure out how much to make this a "fight".

Also, you could just say, by XPM, devices are turned off (and handed over), she's ready for bed, but she can read/knit/twiddle her thumbs in bed.

My ds (15) does what he wants, but I do put some limits on some devices after a certain time, he can't be loud, and he has to be functioning the next day. I also ask him what his sleep schedule is, etc. so he can own it. (He actually is particular about sleep to some extent.)

Also, I might say "You know, I think it's a good idea for you to get to bed a little earlier. What do you think?" Then, I might bring up any issues actually happening due to the late bedtime (if there are any).

If he were to react defensively, I'd shut that down. We're here to talk about something on a mature level. I'm his mom, and I have a right to bring it up. He's a person, and he has a right to share his perspective. That also keeps some of our potential conflicts at bay, and I can eventually influence things in the long run without a power struggle.

amother

Teal

Fri, Sep 25 2020, 8:37 am

I didn't grow up with "bedtime". My parents went to sleep early (around 1030, 11) so there wasn't much to do for us either, and I'd go into bed as well.
There was no official "no showers after 10:30 rule", but we knew the shower sound bothers my father from sleeping and would try to shower by 10'ish. No phones after 10:30, later on it was moved to 11.
I was usually free to read in bed until I fell asleep. I don't remember ever being sent to bed by my parents.
My own daughter is still young, and I try to have somewhat of a schedule but she doesn't have a rigid bedtime either. After dinner is bathtime. If she's ready to go to sleep after that, then I'll tuck her in. If she still wants to unwind a bit in her room, that's okay with me as well. The only time I double down on going to sleep is when I notice her having trouble waking up on time for school, or if she's coming home too cranky.

keym

Fri, Sep 25 2020, 9:23 am

By 12, I don't have a "bedtime" as long as they're able to get up in the morning.
I feel that the teenage years are all about natural consequences.
However, our house rules are
1) indoors by 9:30 on school nights (with the exception for màariv minyan)
2) showers finished by 10:30 (that's about personal preference for those who prefer to use the master shower)
3) phones, devices, and overhead lights are off by 10:30. This is for family courteousness
4) it doesn't matter how old you are. By 11, everyone is in their rooms (that's a house rule including my husband and myself also.)
5) you must make the bus/carpool on time. Two lates and naturally, we have to move the times earlier

I tell my kids all the time. My job is to facilitate rest. But I can't force sleep. You can sit in your bed quietly in a darkish room until 3 in the morning, refusing to sleep. That's your job not mine.