Teens- communication

amother

Sat, Sep 26 2020, 11:47 pm

Does someone have a parenting book to recommend on communicating with teens? I'm not so good at communicating in general so I need to learn some new skills in talking to teen boys and getting them to talk to me. Reopening the lines of communication we've always had. It seems like as they grow they need me less. I'm struggling with speaking to them on their level and finding relevant topics to discuss with them. The only thing they seem interested in nowadays is their yeshiva and their learning- not relatable for me.

Any advice, tips, or books to recommend would be great. Thank you!

amother

Maroon

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:00 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I relate all the way.
I’d love a good book too!

amother

Maroon

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:01 am

oneofakind wrote:

You have to become interested in what interests them. Ask them to show you/teach you. Find things to do together- they talk more then.

I don’t know yeshiva language. It’s really hard to find common interests.

oneofakind

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:04 am

Be curious. Ask them to explain. Do it while you are serving them something good to eat. Ask about their feelings- are they enjoying Rebbes/ chavrusas, are they feeling satisfied with their learning?

amother

Oak

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:05 am

Following. Have some issue. Its very normal. Though all kids are different. With one teen our communication is better than the other. I'm trying very hard from my part sometimes it works sometimes not.

amother

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 1:31 pm

Of course I ask them about their interests and their learning and teachers and so on. But they're male- for them the fewer words said the better. If I don't relate they don't want to go into it much. They appreciate much more to be instantly understood.

I asked my oldest if he's happy with the overnight camp he attended for many summers as a camper or if he wishes he had tried other camps, and he quickly became exasperated and said: I don't know how to answer that question, it's something to ask girls.
We kind of laughed it off.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 4:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Typical male! He genuinely does not know what he feels, if anything, or how to explain it. Nor does he care.

If he seems happy, then he probably is. Just let him know you're open to talk when he wants to, and leave it at that.

A girl, on the other hand, will talk your ear off for hours about Every. Little. Thing. A video call with my daughter averages about two and a half hours. Very Happy

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Sep 29 2020, 4:21 am

So this is a good reason to take interest in what he is learning... this way, you can connect with him and learn new things.

There is no pride in being unlearned...

In my experience, they respond easier to detailled questions than to general ones...

So if you really show interest in who pays when the ox gores x or y, you will have better chances of elliciting a response then when you ask "how was school today"?

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Sep 29 2020, 4:50 am

Ruchel wrote:

Yes to detailed questions. But "being unlearned" in one thing is probably meaning you are learning even very much in something else. I don't do gmara. Does he do french?

If he is your son and you are a french-speaker living in a french-speaking country, he probably is fluent in french...

I think it is a problem when mothers know nothing about what their teenage sons do every day, all the day... First because of the problem described here - that there might be no common grounds for communication, second because I have seen sons being very disrespectful towards their mothers ("you know nothing about this") because of this, and this goes against a very fundamental torah value... so displaying complete ignorance might be oyver "lifney Iver"...

At least mothers should display a "grandma-pedagogics" interest in those things, to motivate their children and to keep the lines of communicaton open...

Ruchel

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 1:46 pm

My children learn three languages it's not the problem. I don't know gmara, I don't do gmara, my girls either. I show interest and value it and ask on purpose what they do in kodesh but, lehavdil like maths, I'm not good at it or attracted to it and it wasn't my (high level) cursus and that's ok. Again, does he do french?

mha3484

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 1:51 pm

I find with my pre-teen son that a lot of times he likes to talk to me when we are both doing something like driving somewhere, going to the grocery store, he will help me in the kitchen or if I am folding laundry and hes reading a book. I think the low pressure/lack of eye contact environment makes him want to talk more. They dont like being peppered with lots of questions just give them space to talk and no pressure.

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2020, 1:37 am

amother [ Burlywood ] wrote:

I'm not proud of being unlearned but I'm very proud of their achievements in gemara which far surpass my focusing capabilities. As much as they can share with me, trust me I'm not learning anything.
I won't ask about their learning- what I ask is their opinions on real life situations. Not because I need their input but because I want them to apply their brains to every day situations.
I will ask them social/emotional questions even though it's "girly" as they call it, because I want them to tap into that part of life and themselves.

They've tried that "smarter than thou" attitude with me and their sisters and I don't stand for it. It doesn't fly here.

amother

Tue, Oct 06 2020, 1:40 am

mha3484 wrote:

I can see this working. At this point though my boys are more out of the house than in.