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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Rosh Hashana-Yom Kippur
Guests on Yom Kippur...
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Sep 26 2020, 11:57 pm
A family asked me if they can sleep at my house over Yom Kippur.
The intention was that the mother should hang out here all day with her kids.
I don’t fast well and I’m a private person. I don’t need the extra noise and mess. I want to leave my bedroom door open and listen out while I rest and my kids hang out. I want to walk around comfortably in a robe and sleep when I can.. even though it’s Yom Kippur.
I will feel pressured to make sure they’re okay in my house, kids finding food etc
My kids are old enough to take food themselves and play on their own. The kids who would be here are much younger and would need constant care.
DH wants me to say yes. I really want to say no. What would you do?
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amother
Slategray


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:00 am
Say no. My sister is coming for yk bec shes expecting and needs help with her toddler. She has no pther options but im still dreadin having them
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amother
Gold


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:00 am
Of course I would say no! I have never heard of guests sleeping over on YK!! Sounds crazy to me.
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:01 am
I would definitely not want guests on YK. I would only consider if it was someone close and they had a veeery important reason it was needed. But otherwise, too hard.
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amother
Chocolate


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:02 am
Nope, yom Kippur is not the time to host unless you invite someone for company. Why does a family need to go away for yom Kippur?
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:02 am
Just say NO. Sorry it won’t work out. You can blame it on corona and not having people over. Yom Kippur is not a time to deal with guests and noise and extra kids when ur fasting. I would never. I would explain to my husband. He’ll be in shul all day and you’d have to deal with it
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Frumwithallergies




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:10 am
Nope. Dafka not this year. I've done it in the past, but it would make me too anxious; on top of handling my kids, I don't need the extra stres. Besides, we are still keeping to ourselves because of Corona.
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amother
Khaki


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:15 am
Unless it's your daughter or sister that you're very close to, then I'd probably say no. On the other hand, if you feel like it's a very big help, and it's someone you'd like to help out, then saying yes can be a big zchus.
I'm at the end of a very long hard pregnancy and my mom offered for me to move in, so that there are people around in case I need/want help. It was very kind of her, but I declined. People are usually most comfortable in their own homes, with just their own immediate families.
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:19 am
If you aren't up to it then for sure say no. That being said for the past six years I have gone to my parents for yk while dh stayed home. My parents house was more exciting for my kids, as I have little siblings and I had company and got to daven in shul a bit. I am still not sure what I am doing this year though. (not nervous for Corona just practically not sure what makes sense)
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:20 am
OP is this your daughter? Otherwise I can’t imagine anyone even asking to come, unless it was clearly as a chessed case
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:20 am
So many people agree with me... that’s good to know. I just don’t know why my husband doesn’t understand at all. He said “it’s up to you if you want to get the mitzvah “. That got me upset and I let him know. I’ve done many mitzvos before and will hopefully continue to do so but please don’t pressure me with a guilt trip.
These are relatives of my husband’s. I’m not sure why they can’t just stay home. Yes, it will be a long , hard day but I stayed home with my little kids, babies, toddlers and I didn’t ask anyone to help. I guess the wife wants the security of not being home alone all day when she’s fasting. I would rather no extra pressure at this point in my life.
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amother
Slateblue


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So many people agree with me... that’s good to know. I just don’t know why my husband doesn’t understand at all. He said “it’s up to me if you want to get the mitzvah “. That got me upset and I let him know. I’ve done many mitzvos before and will hopefully continue to do so but please don’t pressure me with a guilt trip.
These are relatives of my husband’s. I’m not sure why they can’t just stay home. Yes, it will be a long , hard day but I stayed home with my little kids, babies, toddlers and I didn’t ask anyone to help. I guess the wife wants the security of not being home alone all day when she’s fasting. I would rather no extra pressure at this point in my life.


So see it as a chessed opportunity and if it’s too hard say No
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:22 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So many people agree with me... that’s good to know. I just don’t know why my husband doesn’t understand at all. He said “it’s up to me if you want to get the mitzvah “. That got me upset and I let him know. I’ve done many mitzvos before and will hopefully continue to do so but please don’t pressure me with a guilt trip.
These are relatives of my husband’s. I’m not sure why they can’t just stay home. Yes, it will be a long , hard day but I stayed home with my little kids, babies, toddlers and I didn’t ask anyone to help. I guess the wife wants the security of not being home alone all day when she’s fasting. I would rather no extra pressure at this point in my life.


Please say no. You will resent it. It sounds like this relative is looking to make her fast easier, but it will come at your expense. You have no obligation to do that to yourself.
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studying_torah




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:25 am
Um what? Why do they need to come to your house?
Absolutely not is the answer. It's yom kippur. If she needs help, she can hire someone.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:25 am
amother [ Khaki ] wrote:
Unless it's your daughter or sister that you're very close to, then I'd probably say no. On the other hand, if you feel like it's a very big help, and it's someone you'd like to help out, then saying yes can be a big zchus.
I'm at the end of a very long hard pregnancy and my mom offered for me to move in, so that there are people around in case I need/want help. It was very kind of her, but I declined. People are usually most comfortable in their own homes, with just their own immediate families.


No, not a daughter or a sister.
And yes, you’re right. I would rather be home alone with my immediate family.
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Frumme




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:33 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
So many people agree with me... that’s good to know. I just don’t know why my husband doesn’t understand at all. He said “it’s up to you if you want to get the mitzvah “. That got me upset and I let him know. I’ve done many mitzvos before and will hopefully continue to do so but please don’t pressure me with a guilt trip.
These are relatives of my husband’s. I’m not sure why they can’t just stay home. Yes, it will be a long , hard day but I stayed home with my little kids, babies, toddlers and I didn’t ask anyone to help. I guess the wife wants the security of not being home alone all day when she’s fasting. I would rather no extra pressure at this point in my life.


IyH you will have many other opportunities to host guests in the future. It's inappropriate that DH is guilt tripping you like this after you have clearly said no. If DH still wants to host, then tell him he is welcome to but he needs to stay home the entire YK to babysit the guests as you will be spending the day in your robe in bed. Or better yet, suggest that the relatives stay home at their own house with the DH staying home the whole time so the wife won't feel anxious about being alone all day on YK.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:38 am
One DD who doesn't fast all that well is going to another DD in the same boat. Their kids will somewhat entertain each other and they hope that if one feels about to faint the other will bring her shiurim etc.

Somehow I feel perhaps OP is the mother whose relative came to hang out at her pool all summer when she was a kimpetorin. Or a close cousin.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:46 am
amother [ Blue ] wrote:


Somehow I feel perhaps OP is the mother whose relative came to hang out at her pool all summer when she was a kimpetorin. Or a close cousin.


No, I don’t have any babies now and I never had a pool.
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amother
Magenta


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:49 am
It also means OP will likely be serving them the pre fast and post fast meals.
If she is nervous to be home alone, there’s nothing wrong with her husband davening close by so he can come home to check on her periodically. Or davening neitz so he can be home to help part of the time.
OP, your husband is right: it’s up to you to decide. Smile sweetly and tell him you wish you were up to doing this chessed but it won’t be possible this time.
Edited to add: I do think there’s something to be said for pushing yourself to do a chessed that’s outside of your comfort zone. You can figure out honestly if that’s possible for you here- no one else on this site knows all the particulars of the situation. Bottom line, though, is that it’s not dh or anyone else’s business.
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:58 am
It's a little late to be issuing Yk invitations on what is actually, literally erev YK.
This is something you and your husband needed to figure out a couple of days ago.
And if for some reason, this family thinks they are in fact invited it's too late to back out now.
This isn't something you can wait to decide or invite on erev Yom Kippur.
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