I wish she could see how beautiful she is

amother

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 9:06 am

My 11 year old daughter has started developing a little earlier than most of her friends. BH she is really a beautiful girl. She is definitely going through an awkward stage as most do during puberty, but she can still look very good (personally I think she does things that are unflattering for her, but I try to keep my mouth shut - like how she wears her hair, etc.)
I work hard to get her clothes that make her feel good, take her shopping in the stores she wants, spend money on clothes she really wants etc. I know how important it is to feel good about the way you look especially at this age. She often complains about how fat she is (she’s really not), but what made me sad the other day was when she tried on a new dress that really looked beautiful on her and was very flattering for for her figure, and she was so upset because she wants to look “flat” on top. She’s not big on top, but she definitely has something there and it shows. She can’t really hide it anymore. I remember how uncomfortable I was with my body at that age, and I’m so sad for her to feel the same way. I just wish she could see how beautiful she is and how good she looks. I know it’s uncomfortable for some girls when their bodies change, but she really looked so good. I have a very different relationship with her than I had with my mother - I am much closer with my daughter and have a much more positive relationship, and I’d love to take advantage of that to help her feel better about herself, but I am at a loss. I’ve spoken to professionals and honestly am already doing most of what they advise. Is there really anything to do that will help, or do I just have to helplessly watch her go through this stage?

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:33 am

I got a bra at age 11 and also was so upset about it and obsessed about being flat. Unfortunately it’s part of our Jewish culture. Most non Jews are thrilled when they get books but in the Jewish world it’s not like that. What you can do:
1. Put yourself in her shoes. A tapered dress that may be flattering in your eyes but shows her boobs may not be the best idea even though you and any sane adult would agree that the dress is beautiful on her. Now that winter is coming get her cozy oversized sweaters with cute fitted short skirts that doesn’t call as much attention. Fitting in is more important to her than looking beautiful. Remember that. I hated when my mom got me ribbed tops or other clothes that accentuated my chest even though it did accentuate my tiny waist.
2. Please be careful where you take her for clothes shopping that they don’t have clueless older women as salesladies that offer unsolicited opinions about your figure. Not sure how you can avoid that as it’s hard to know that. But if she does get a comment please defend her.
being told “this dress is not good on you because the men will look at your large chest” is not helpful to a 7th grader. Mind you I had a A or B cup then which isn’t big but I had a Barbie like body with tiny waist so it was more obvious lol. Or going to a gown rental place and the middle age sales lady whispers loud To the other store lady that I have the body of a [filth] star. I didn’t even know what that was but I was instinctively uncomfortable Or going to a bra store in 8th grade when I had a B to C cup and being told that I’m so big I don’t have many options in her store also made me feel really bad. What she meant was that she didn’t carry that large cup size with such a narrow band (28-29) at that time. Instead of being told that I had a nice figure she made me feel so fat and ugly. The store has since closed and the place I go to now has a gazillion more options, no size is a problem, and they are so good with the younger teens it’s awesome (shout out to mrs Rabinowitz in monsey!)
3. Please constantly tell her how beautiful she is. Even if you tell her that 5 times a day it’s not too much. Don’t we all want our husbands to tell us I love you even though we know it’s true? The more you hear it the more it gets absorbed. I remember someone telling me that I had an hour glass figure and that it’s supposed to be one of the nicest figures and how beautiful I am and it made me feel so good.

And remember that it’s a passing phase. Once I hit like 9th grade and the other girls caught up with me I actually felt good. Now I’m at a 32 DD and I look good in most clothes and bh DH makes sure to tell me how beautiful I look and you know what? I actually do feel beautiful.

amother

Teal

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 11:37 am

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

I'm so sorry you had to deal with this... I agree with everything you said.

amother

Blush

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 12:07 pm

amother [ Periwinkle ] wrote:

We could be body sisters LOL

.

I always felt so awful. I was a 30 A cup at my wedding. With an unusually tiny waist.
10 years and a housefull of kids later I'm a 30-32 DDD (or F) with a tiny waist and a size 8 skirt. Can't Believe It

Its impossibly difficult to shop for dresses.
I only do skirts and tops.

As a teen, my mother was terrible at shopping appropriate underwear. So even though I was tiny, it was still pointy. Sad

She got me a bunch of sports pull on "flatteners" and I wore that for years looking awful.
Looking like a woman was the ultimate sin and I hated myself and my body. I felt ugly, dirty and fat. Even though I was extremely thin.
When I look at my wedding photos im surprised all my organs fitted in my body. Lol.
Many years, a good husband and intense therapy..... Now I am more than happy to be well endowed. I have stretch marks, csection scars, and I'm bigger on one side than the other (custom bra helps rectify that) and I think I'm smoken 🔥 Wink

Op, this stage is a very difficult stage. I like what the posted I qoted said about the clothing. It's not like she's going for a shidduch resume picture and has to look her absolute best.... She has to be comfortable socially and look neat. My oldest is starting to show preference and her own taste in clothing. She knows I have 2 rules. 1. Has to be tzenius 2. It has to be neat. A bas yisroel always has to look put together.

My girls know that when they get older their body will change. At 6, one of my girls asked me why she cant breast feed her baby brother. I explained that hashem makes a special ness that mothers, after giving birth to babies can feed them. That it doesnt happen overnight and as she grows up her body will constantly change until she is all grown up and ready to be a mother of her own (she wants 3 boys and 3 girls. Preferable in sets of 2 LOL

). She is all excited to get her own boobs... We'll see what happens when she actually starts maturing. Wink

I talk to my kids a lot about the wonders of nature. (We live w a lot of nature around us) Including the wonder and miracle of the human body. They see eggs and birds. Snakes, woodchucks, bunnies and fox. (Ignore the bears and cayotes) and they see them mating and multiplying. I'm waiting for the day they will ask about human mating.....

To them its just a fact of life. Im hopeing itll help with that stage....

Ultimately, it is something every girl has to go thru as she matures jnto a woman, having such a kind loving mother and a good relationship with you, is the nest thing she could have to help her through it.
And of course make sure to tell her how beautiful she is. The more she gets annoyed by it, the better.

I told one of my girls that when I look at her I thank hashem for creating so much beauty inside my own home and what a joy it is to he given such a gift! She asked me if its like I enjoy seeing a pretty painting Very Happy

(she really is that beautiful)

amother

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 1:10 pm

Thanks for all your responses. I’ve really been trying all your suggestions already, but reading everyone’s experiences and advice is making me realize I just have to continue doing what I’m doing and hope it is helping. I don’t even have to reach far to compliment her because I think she is beautiful, and she also has some features that I always wished I had, which makes me so happy for her. I hope that my words and my love help her become a secure teen, but I guess I have to accept that she may be uncomfortable with her body the next few years. At this point as long as what she chooses isn’t socially unacceptable (she seems to think clothing that are too tight make her look thin, which is ironic because she wants to look flat, but then which teenager actually makes sense 🙈), I really try to buy her the styles she likes and feels comfortable in. Thankfully I love shopping Smile

I really do feel for her because I hated this stage so much and was so so uncomfortable in my body. I’d wear two bras to make myself look flatter, always wore a coat when I could.. I shudder to think back about it. Then I entered high school and suddenly had a pretty great body. Hopefully the same will happen for her, but of course I want her to be comfortable in her own body regardless of how she looks. I know that’s a tall order.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Sep 27 2020, 3:43 pm

amother [ Blush ] wrote:

We could be body sisters LOL

Its impossibly difficult to shop for dresses.
I only do skirts and tops.

As a teen, my mother was terrible at shopping appropriate underwear. So even though I was tiny, it was still pointy. Sad

). She is all excited to get her own boobs... We'll see what happens when she actually starts maturing. Wink

(she really is that beautiful)

lol body sisters. You sound like a beautiful person and mother!

spikta

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 2:09 pm

If you haven't convinced her by now you're not going to. No point in thinking up more elaborate or compelling ways to suddenly see herself differently. She'll come around when she does, but until then you're only going to convince her that *you* are out of touch and don't get it, and thus, any compliment you give is worthless.
I would focus on:
1. Empathy. "Oof it's so hard to feel that way about yourself" "It's awful to live in a body that doesn't fit social expectations" "You're feeling so much pressure right now huh?". Just accept what she's feeling and let her know you understand. You can't fix it for her, and it's not your job to do so. All you need to do is make sure she knows that she's heard.
2. Model self love. Yup. You can't expect her to appreciate how she looks if you don't do it yourself. Show off a new dress and give a twirl. Express how happy you are with your favorite earrings that bring out the color of your eyes. You can also observe out loud when your body serves you well - "My arms are strong enough to carry 2 kids at a time!" "I'm so glad I can play soccer with the kids without getting tired". Absolutely no negative body talk whatsoever. No "ugh I gained weight", no "this dress makes my tummy look huge" nothing. Anything negative you have to say about your body, keep it to yourself or vent to a girlfriend.

Obviously don't stop complimenting her, but stop doing it in an attempt to change how she feels.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Sep 28 2020, 2:30 pm

spikta wrote:

So much good advice here! Thumbs Up

DD went through the same stage. I never tried to "change her mind". It just seemed too invalidating of her feelings. If she said she felt "fat", I would assure her that the doctor said she was a healthy weight. (Then I asked her if she wanted to cut out junk food, and the answer was always "no!" LOL

)

DD hated compliments, but she could accept something that was said in a round-about way. I wouldn't comment directly on her appearance, but I would say things like "That color looks good on you" or "That is such a cute shirt on you, it goes with everything."

She still prefers to live in oversized sweatshirts, but she's happy, and that's what really matters.