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I benshed him before he left....

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:39 pm
Ds in his early 20s went to his father (otd) before yom kippur. I gave him seuda hamafsekes earlier, did kaporos and benshed him, knowing where he is about to go.

It felt really weird.
Was it patronising that I did it all even if I knew he won't be keeping....
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:45 pm
Never underestimate the value of a mothers bracha!
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ds in his early 20s went to his father (otd) before yom kippur. I gave him seuda hamafsekes earlier, did kaporos and benshed him, knowing where he is about to go.

It felt really weird.
Was it patronising that I did it all even if I knew he won't be keeping....


Do you think he saw it as patronizing or as a form of passive-aggresive criticism?

I think our kids can read the intent behind our actions. If it was meant as a loving, non judgmental gesture of affection, I think it will be taken that way.

As a general rule, it always pays to ask. Asking shows respect for an adult childs choices: I know your not going to be keeping yom tov by your dad, but it's ok by you I'd still like to bless you before you go. It's such a special moment for a mom to bless her kids on erev yom kippur. Are you ok with it? No worries if not.

You could always bless him from afar, without him knowing it. I believe you could do kaparos for him in the same way. I think the seudah is easiest of all to pull off. Just cook stuff you know he likes and invite him to join you. The end.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:49 pm
Of course not!

Not patronizing, not inappropriate, just... Sad. For you, for him, for his father.

We never know what might spark a move back towards yiddishkeit. May he find his way.
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devo1982




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:50 pm
You did it, and more importantly, he let you do it. I would hold to that as a sign of hope that not all is lost. You never know what the long-term impact of your words may be. Heart
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amother




OP
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 5:53 pm
DVOM wrote:
Do you think he saw it as patronizing or as a form of passive-aggresive criticism?

I think our kids can read the intent behind our actions. If it was meant as a loving, non judgmental gesture of affection, I think it will be taken that way.

As a general rule, it always pays to ask. Asking shows respect for an adult childs choices: I know your not going to be keeping yom tov by your dad, but it's ok by you I'd still like to bless you before you go. It's such a special moment for a mom to bless her kids on erev yom kippur. Are you ok with it? No worries if not.

You could always bless him from afar, without him knowing it. I believe you could do kaparos for him in the same way. I think the seudah is easiest of all to pull off. Just cook stuff you know he likes and invite him to join you. The end.


I should have asked him. But he very likely would have said yes as he adapts in each environment to the way of life.

I did tell him though that im not judging him with what he does etc but only ask one thing that he keep Hashem in his life , something I tell my kids every year I bensh them.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 6:32 pm
I think it was a good thing to do and because it was sincere , he will know that.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 9:13 pm
You are amazing! Continue doing just that! It shows so much love that anyone, Frum or not, desperately needs!
Hug
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Mama Bear




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:11 pm
That is so special. Youre making me cry.
Btw I'm a little confused, Is your son OTD or is his father OTD? Or both?
If your son is frum, why would a 20 year old go to his non frum father for yom kippur out of all days?!
There's no custody anymore for 20 year olds, they are on their own. Why did he choose to go to him dakva on YK???
Or am I misreading?
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Mon, Sep 28 2020, 10:35 pm
I specifically make food that DS likes for seuda hamafseket even though I know he won't be fasting. He is still part of our family and there is still a chance he might fast.
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amother




Denim
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 6:42 am
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
I specifically make food that DS likes for seuda hamafseket even though I know he won't be fasting. He is still part of our family and there is still a chance he might fast.


A yiddishe mame...
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 9:48 am
OP, cornflower, anyone else reading this: He's still your child and knows you're giving him what you feel is the best you can give him.
Along with his space.
Seems win win to me under these complicated circumstances.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 9:53 am
amother [ cornflower ] wrote:
I specifically make food that DS likes for seuda hamafseket even though I know he won't be fasting. He is still part of our family and there is still a chance he might fast.
And you are enabling him to keep the mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur! Amazing!
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 10:07 am
ShishKabob wrote:
And you are enabling him to keep the mitzvah of eating on Erev Yom Kippur! Amazing!

No she’s reminding him that she loves him anyway. Her sending food won’t make him eat YK if he planned on fasting. You can be sure of that!
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 10:09 am
ExtraCredit wrote:
No she’s reminding him that she loves him anyway. Her sending food won’t make him eat YK if he planned on fasting. You can be sure of that!
You misunderstood what I was saying.
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 10:11 am
ShishKabob wrote:
You misunderstood what I was saying.

Omg I read it 3 times and couldn’t believe you’re writing that! I skipped the word erev every time. So sorry hope you forgive me!!
I didn’t sleep this night as you can tell.


Last edited by ExtraCredit on Tue, Sep 29 2020, 10:15 am; edited 1 time in total
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Sep 29 2020, 10:15 am
ExtraCredit wrote:
Omg I read it 3 times and couldn’t believe you’re writing that! So sorry hope you forgive me!!
I didn’t sleep this night as you can tell.
No worries Smile
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 30 2020, 5:51 pm
Mama Bear wrote:
That is so special. Youre making me cry.
Btw I'm a little confused, Is your son OTD or is his father OTD? Or both?
If your son is frum, why would a 20 year old go to his non frum father for yom kippur out of all days?!
There's no custody anymore for 20 year olds, they are on their own. Why did he choose to go to him dakva on YK???
Or am I misreading?


Ds has ASD and has not settled down yet as how religious he wants to be. He has a choice between his OTD father and chareidy mum in front of him. At the moment he is more inclined towards being otd esp when life is easier for him.
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PinkFridge




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 01 2020, 5:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Ds has ASD and has not settled down yet as how religious he wants to be. He has a choice between his OTD father and chareidy mum in front of him. At the moment he is more inclined towards being otd esp when life is easier for him.


There's not much you can or should overtly do.
But you can daven.
Support him in any endeavors that help him succeed in life and settle down. Being in a settled physical place, and not antagonistic, he may one day return, and with good relationships, it can happen.
Meanwhile, as I said, celebrate and endorse all he does to get into a good stable place and keep loving him.

Hatzlacha!
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