Anonymous handout question

amother

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 11:45 pm

If you are not doing well financially, and someone in your community wants to help you out before yom tov, would you prefer to get a phone call from the person saying they are dropping off money, or would you rather get money in an envelope in your mailbox anonymously?
Have you ever been in the position of receiving a handout anonymously and how did it make you feel?

amother

Babyblue

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 11:53 pm

There is this sweet kind adorable lady who randomly gives me envelopes. She knows that I was praying for her children to get married and have kids. So she claims she is paying me because my tefillot make a difference to her. It's very sweet that she wants to help me and found this way to do it. I tried stopping her but she got upset. And it really does help take a load off me sometimes. So I accept it happily. And I daven for her. (The reality though is that I think she davens for me even more)

As a side note someone once called me and said they heard I was the tefilla lady. And he was going into surgery the next day. And would I please pray for him. (I'm not the tefilla lady. Or anything of that kind.) So I took his name and the time of his surgery and asked H to help him at that time. It was very interesting phone call.

naturalmom5

Wed, Sep 30 2020, 11:55 pm

Bh ... What a difference a year can make
Last year , someone just came over to me in the 14th st food pick up before RH and said Rebbitzen can you use it for yom tov
An NPGS card for several hundred..
My parents were always too proud to take anything even FS so we just struggled and starved.
So I learned to accept help when needed.
The best is where someone just pays your balance at a store...
Im happy that this year my husband gave Kupas YT more than we received last year..

amother

Babyblue

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 12:08 am

amother

Azure

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 12:21 am

really not sure.
we received an envelope for Pesach. and Im still going crazy thinking who is it who knows about our financial situation and gave us money.... I think it would probably be easier if I knew who it was...

amother

Linen

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 12:53 am

We've been given money anonymously and while it was uncomfortable not to know who it was from I would still rather it come that way.

Unfortunately we are now in a position where we are officially taking tzedakah and its so much more painful. And its so hard to look certain people in the face and not feel embarrassed. I know Im doing what I have to do for my kids, but its extremely embarrassing. Anonymous was much easier.

amother

Blush

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 1:21 am

Of course anonymous. There’s a reason why Rambam lists it as a higher level of tzedaka than when the recipient and donor know each other. Either way is embarrassing but anonymously at least you don’t have to look the donor in the face and be embarrassed for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t know where to put myself if some lady called me and said “I’m coming by to give you some tzedaka.”

amother

Linen

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 1:21 am

I was actually just handed a really nice check, I appreciate it so much because I really, really, really need the money now. But its so painful at the same time.

Pretty ironic, because I literally just posted about it and now Im sitting here crying. Its a mix of tears of relief and tears of shame.

amother

Aqua

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:00 am

Before pesach, we got a call from the grocery store that someone paid a large amount of money on our account. We were (are) very grateful, as we were really stuck then- it really came to good use. But it did feel uncomfortable. I still don't know who it was from. It bothered me.

Guess depends how and from who

amother

Ecru

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:15 am

I have had both.
Unfortunately my husband can’t work and I am starting to feel a bit like a nurse.
I work part time and I cannot even think about how I would manage working full time because my health would go down very fast.
Many people know this and Yom tov time will slip a grocery card in my mailbox or put money on my account.
My son was bar mitvahed and someone who was anonymous gave him a very nice check but didn’t want to say who it was from. I am upset because I would of loved to thank them.
I am uncomfortable about not knowing because I could be good friends with the person giving and just not know.

On the other hand there is someone who gives me a check twice a year and I know who it is and I am much more comfortable with it.
I used to do something fir this person not for money and this is kind of their way of paying me fir it.

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 3:50 am

Unfortunately I've been in this situation in the past few years.

It is extremely painful to have to be on the receiving end. But I very much appreciate when I know who gave the money. That way I can at least thank them. I've been getting an anonymous check yom tov time and I suspect it might be my classmates who arrange it but have no way of finding out.

Like a poster above said, I cry bitterly when I get money. It's a mixture of relief and happiness that I can finally provide for my kids and of EXTREME pain and sadness that I have to be on the receiving end.

And I constantly am amazed that there are some simple looking people who are so special, like the one who gave thousands in advance for groceries but asked not to tell a single sole about it. So for months I didn't have to walk around worried and thinking how I'll feed my kids.

What can I do? I daven all the time that Hashem should repay the donors with brachos beyond their expectations.

amother

Black

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 7:51 am

A few years ago a friend took up an anonymous collection for us among our friends and acquaintances because we were struggling with astronomical medical bills. The money helped, but it felt awful to have to take tzedaka. I think it was better that it was done anonymously, but I can guess who some of the givers were and I feel embarrassed 😳 even to this day, even though it was never spoken of.

My relationships with everyone suffered because I have pulled back and become more introverted and private, and I always feel at a disadvantage with the people I know, like my dignity is gone.

We have some wealthy friends and although we were never wealthy, we used to be in a position where we were the ones giving a lot of tzedaka. It is humbling and humiliating to have the roles reversed

amother

Cobalt

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 8:17 am

OP, I just want to add that if you want to double your mitzvah, give the money way in advance of yom tov.

One should never know what it feels like worrying for months (yes, months) "how will I make pesach". Then 3 days before pesach money arrives you give her money. The recepient is beyond appreciative, runs a marathon getting ready last minute for yom tov.

On the other hand if the money is given a month earlier, the recipient now is able to carefully plan yom tov. Stretch each dollar and shop things for less because she has time to check prices etc. And the endless worry is not around anymore.. She can also cook and freeze her food in advance.

amother

Natural

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 8:17 am

Giving anonymous can also be done in a respectful or embarrassing fashion. More respectful, I think, is giving the money to a rabbi or organization who can then give it to the person.

Unfortunately, I've been the recipient of such donations for the past years. I live in a building and have had anonymous people push envelopes under my door. Sometimes bigger amounts, sometimes smaller amounts. While I was extremely grateful and I know it was meant to really help me, it left me with very strange feelings.

For instance, the person who pushed 10 dollars under the door. They probably really wanted to help and couldn't afford more. But, 10 dollars barely covers a bottle of milk and loaf of bread. Which neighbor thought im so desperate. It made me cringe every time I saw any of my 30 neighbors wondering. I know its stupid but it made me very embarrassed.

Or the person who shoved 263 dollars under the door. Made me feel like they calculated their massir money to give tzedaka. Again, nothing wrong, but felt horrible.

Whereas, if these people would have given it to our rabbi, we would have understood he got money but it would have felt better. Our rabbi has given us donations saying vaguely I have funds to disburse..and it definitely felt better.

So, I guess, everyone feels different. Its not black and white

amother

Natural

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 8:19 am

and cobalt point is very important too. Besides for the fact that you can plan your shopping, here in NY, there's bas only the more expensive brands left on the shel closer to yom tov. The better priced items get sold early

amother

Saddlebrown

Thu, Oct 01 2020, 8:28 am

I'm guessing op you are the one giving the money? a friend of mine who was going through a dry spell financially due to her husband and her work situation got an envelope in her mailbox. She said she didn't actually need it because they had savings and didn't feel comfortable taking it. She was happy that she saw who put it in so she could give it back.

personally we usually give through a rabbi. I don't even know who he gives to. My husband could figure it out (long story) but has no interest. the rabbi tells them that it's from someone who wants to remain anonymous but there's someone for them to talk to. and the earlier the better definitely makes sense.