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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Our Challenging Children (gifted, ADHD, sensitive, defiant)
Living with terrible mama guilt



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 1:36 am
son 10 acting out a lot and it just makes me loose it after I feel so drained from having to repeat myself numerous times he shouldnt do this or that , I'm just talking to the walls. and after a day of having to keep reminding him not to behave a certain way , I loose it and then I find myself labeling him which makes me regret it later. It's like I can tell him "none of your classmates are behaving the way you do " and he answers me back that other moms probably have to say the same to their kids . Or I find myself comparing him to his older brother (not in a good way) and he says he never does what his older brother does but I tell him that he behaves the same . (Actually his nature is very Similar to that kid, those are 2 of my kids that I just have a harder time to parent than my other kids .) But it's not a compliment for him at all to hear me comparing him to that son .
Help me out with how I can just keep back from saying things I shouldn't while I'm beyond overwhelmed from dealing with a not listening child . He can be a great child and has a super heart. It's just times when he acts out and becomes so out of hands . talking and explaining to him doesn't work either .
I really do wanna work on myself not to compare or labeling him while I'm at my wits end. How can I keep that back? I know I f'sure lower his self esteem which is already affected. I do wanna save this child from having to walk around not feeling good about himself, which he already has in him. it can bring the child down in a bad way .
I'm very sad the way it ends up being after me having the feel to just explode on him because how long can you remind a kid to behave and he is acting out in many different disturbing ways . I know he feels hurt, I feel hurt too . He feels hurt because he thinks mom doesn't love him enough since ma is busy comparing and labeling, I feel hurt that that has to be the case after sooo much talking and living with a misbehaved child .
I do love him dearly tho, it's just the behavior I'm not tolarating .

I dont know even why I'm posting this. if It will make me feel better later I'm sure it will be worth it . I guess I'm so sad and guilty for my son but at the same time I deserve and expect better behavior.
I'm not a dog in the house after all.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 2:52 am
It sounds like he's desperate for attention, and will take negative attention if he can't get good attention. This is extremely common, and even more so now that kids are home more often.

Is he doing anything that cannot be ignored - like hurting siblings, lighting fires, or running in the street?

If he's basically safe, just ignore him. You can tell him that you will talk to him when he can speak to you nicely, stop whining, or whatever. Only tell him this ONCE per demand, or else he will keep bugging you, and you will keep talking to him! Kids are smart that way.

Give him lots of attention when he's behaving. This means that you need to watch him closely, in order to "catch" him being good. Praise him when he makes good choices, like speaking nicely, sharing with siblings, or throwing away a nosh wrapper.

Give him an extra hug at bed time, and tell him things like "We had a pretty good day today, didn't we? I loved how you shared your toys, and you were a big help cleaning up after lunch."

Basically, kids will live up to what you expect from them. If you expect them to be bad, they'll start thinking "Well, I might as well be bad since I'm being treated like that anyway." If you expect good, they will want to live up to that and get your approval.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mom did this to me. She compared me to my sister (but more like "why can't you be more like your sister?"). She said really unkind things to me, and I ended up running away from home, just to get those negative voices out of my head.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 9:00 am
FranticFrummie wrote:
It sounds like he's desperate for attention, and will take negative attention if he can't get good attention. This is extremely common, and even more so now that kids are home more often.

Is he doing anything that cannot be ignored - like hurting siblings, lighting fires, or running in the street?

If he's basically safe, just ignore him. You can tell him that you will talk to him when he can speak to you nicely, stop whining, or whatever. Only tell him this ONCE per demand, or else he will keep bugging you, and you will keep talking to him! Kids are smart that way.

Give him lots of attention when he's behaving. This means that you need to watch him closely, in order to "catch" him being good. Praise him when he makes good choices, like speaking nicely, sharing with siblings, or throwing away a nosh wrapper.

Give him an extra hug at bed time, and tell him things like "We had a pretty good day today, didn't we? I loved how you shared your toys, and you were a big help cleaning up after lunch."

Basically, kids will live up to what you expect from them. If you expect them to be bad, they'll start thinking "Well, I might as well be bad since I'm being treated like that anyway." If you expect good, they will want to live up to that and get your approval.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mom did this to me. She compared me to my sister (but more like "why can't you be more like your sister?"). She said really unkind things to me, and I ended up running away from home, just to get those negative voices out of my head.


Thanks for being helpful.

It's more verbal. Like being or talking very disrespectful to me , bugging in while I'm on the phone, or while me and dh are having a private conversation he throws in his opinions, it can even be while I'm with my dh in a different room than him he will make sure to listen to exactly what we are discussing, or distracts us while we discuss anything , My dh keeps reminding him over and over that while ta and ma are discussing certain things it's not his place to mix in , but he does it again and again.

Another example: he keeps picking up my phone without permission after many reminders that he has to ask permission before he picks up my phone and that my phone is not for the public . It's around a lot since I have very important information and things that I need to keep it around . I do leave it in my room a lot so it shouldn't be so much around the kids , but this child has no problem going into my room to just have a peak into my phone . Bh it's a filtered phone with no dirt but I may still have my private things in there. When prompting him vey clearly that he cant do that , he is just not taking it in . things like not listening to parents when things are clearly said to him. It goes on and on that he is just not taking our words seriously. It ripping my heart.
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amother
Firebrick


 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 9:50 am
1) Put a code on your phone today.

2) All kids interrupt. All kids are noisy and inconsiderate.
Practice practice practice with him not in real time so that when it's time he knows what to do. Just like we practice other good manners. Like please thank you and knocking on a closed door.

You can continue getting frustrated at him and venting at him, lowering his self esteem, or you can recognize that he is doing what every normal child does and is still learning. He deserves your patience while he learns just as you would want someone to be patient with you while you are learning a new skill.

Best of luck.
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 10:29 am
"Speak softly and carry a big stick."

When in your own head, you have clear, logical, enforceable consequences, you won't slip as often.

Let's brainstorm.

What are the top 5 things he's doing when he drives you nuts?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 10:46 am
1. New house rule. If you have to interrupt me, the answer will automatically be "NO". End of discussion. Exceptions are for emergencies. An emergency is "Are you on fire? Are you being kidnapped? Are you being eaten by a bear?" If this is not an emergency, it will wait. Rinse, repeat.

2. Remove the temptation. Wear something with pockets, and keep your phone on your body at all times. Kids, especially preteen boys, have practically ZERO impulse control. You can tell them a million times, but their brains are not developed enough to put the brakes on the desire for something. This is why boys do stupid things like jump off the roof and break an arm.

3. What about DH? Is he on board with you, or does he just ignore the interruptions? Does he yell at DS as well? You two need to get back to Rule #1, and be consistent.

Kids need structure and boundaries, but you have to pick and choose which ones you will stand firm on. Lay down basic rules, and give up on the small battles. Learn to tune out the background noise of whining, and tell him that you will listen when he can speak respectfully. When he does, give him 100% of your attention, even if it's just for a minute or two.

Remember the terrible twos and threatening threes (and possibly the fearsome fours?) He's going back into that stage now, so for the next couple of years you are going to have to consider him to be a taller, more articulate toddler. Brain development is extremely uneven right now, and won't settle until he is well into puberty.

Congratulations, you have a pre-teenager! Buckle your seatbelt, it's going to be a bumpy ride, but you WILL get through this. (BTW, the smarter your kid is, the more they will give you a hard time. Just hang in there, and daven for patience.)

A friend of mine gave me the best advice ever. Five out of their six kids had serious behavior issues, ADD, ODD, and learning challenges. The dad told me to remember that "Your child's biggest challenge, will turn into their greatest strength as an adult. Your job is to channel that behavior into positive areas, and not to squash it out of them."

Try to look at your kids, and imagine how their behavior can turn into an asset when they grow up, and then work with them from there. That way you are not going against their own natural personality.

A kid who argues a lot will be a great lawyer. A kid who is always giving away their toys will end up working for a non profit charity. A kid who tells "lies or tall tales" will become a great fiction writer.

My 17yo DD has finally turned into a lovely young lady with amazing middos, and a joy to talk to. She's dedicated to keeping up her grades so she can get the college she wants. She's involved in social and environmental activism, and she's fiercely loyal to her friends.

She's also one of the most stubborn and independent-minded kids I've ever met! She'll never be anyone's shmatte. Very Happy
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 11:00 am
It all comes down to changing your perception.

You get overwhelmed because you feel like you are in a situation where he is choosing to be bad, in a way that hurts you, and that the only way you can get him to stop hurting you is to convince him to stop.

Two problematic assumptions there: that he's choosing to be bad, and that you have to talk him out of it.

About the first: kids don't choose to be bad. I'm not saying they never choose to be bad; they have free will like the rest of us. But if a kid is doing the same bad thing, over and over, odds are they are missing skills that would allow them to be better.

(BTW this is a big part of why comparisons are so harmful. He knows that his classmates don't act this way. Believe me, he knows. I would bet a whole lot of money that he feels terrible about it already, that hearing you say it out loud just confirms his worst feelings about himself, and that "the other moms have to say the same thing" is a defense mechanism.)

Thinking about it as "he struggles with impulse control" or "he is easily bored," instead of "he always interrupts" or "he's always acting out" can help you stay calm. It makes it easier to see it as something he's doing, rather than something he's doing to you.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 11:35 am
Can you sit down and have a conversation about some of these issues (not all at once) for example. I see you have a hard time giving Mommy and Totty privacy. Tell me about it. Listen to him. Then tell him how it bothers you and you need things to be private with To try just like you have private things with him. Then try To come up with a solution together.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 11:49 am
About the second - in general, kids don't need convincing. When they act badly, it's not because they don't know what good behavior looks like. Either they're missing skills, or they're stam being bad.

Which makes life a lot easier. When the perception is, "I need to convince this kid to be good, or else I'll have to live with her bad behavior forever," it's easy to get overwhelmed and react badly.

You need ways of reducing the impact his behavior has on you, you need to work with him to help him be able to behave better, and you need consistent punishments for bad behavior. But you don't need to persuade him.

Other posters already gave good advice here. Reducing the impact - eg locking your phone; having private conversations behind a closed door, with music on so he can't eavesdrop. Work with him - where exactly does he struggle? Impulse control, social skills, emotion regulation... ? When you figure that out, you can find more pinpoint tools to help. Consistent punishments/responses - ignoring him every time he interrupts, every time he takes your phone he goes to bed 10 minutes earlier (or whatever), every time he's disrespectful the conversation ends immediately.
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ora_43




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 11:55 am
You know the comparing is bad, so I'm not going to get on your case about that. We all mess up, you love him, I think you can get past this. Don't give yourself guilt about it.

But I will say that I think it's a good idea to give him extra praise for the next few months. Especially while you're still working on not criticizing him.

And same goes for his older brother, because "you're acting like your older brother" is an insult that hurts both kids.
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lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 12:02 pm
As ora_43 said; change your perception.
You are comparing him to what you would expect others his age to have mastered developmentally.
Think how you would treat a 10yr old that cannot walk well post surgery. You would need to work harder than other mothers, it would be frustrating, and sometimes you feel like giving up. But, it's not something that would affect your relationship with the child as it's obvious that the kid didn't choose this.
Same here. Your son is still developing and has not reached all milestones in development. Be patient and kind with him and yourself.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Oct 01 2020, 4:22 pm
Thanks for all smart advice .

Actually today he is doing great ! Best of mood , full of zest . I think sometimes kids are just overreacting by being overtired. I find that after a hard day comes another day , a new day and everything can change . Bh he is excited for the chag and helping me . As I had mentioned before he can be a super good child , but when he acts out .

I'm glad to hear the positive responses how to beable to deal better next time.

I wish you all a frielichen "happy" chag
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