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-> Interesting Discussions
amother
Peach
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:24 am
What about when it's a parent/inlaw?
DH claims it is considered part of "kibud horim" to name after parents.
I cannot bring myself to name after a narcissistic abusive mean person.
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amother
Pewter
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:25 am
amother [ OP ] wrote: | For instance, a grandparent who had an affair. My family found this out after my grandparent’s death. Or even flaws that aren’t so extreme, like being narcissistic or having a quick temper. Would you still name your children after an ancestor/grandparent with significant character flaws?
Edit: I added this question below but I’ll put it here as well. For those who wouldn’t name their children after someone with a flawed character, would it make a difference to you if that person was a Holocaust survivor? |
I asked a rov about this and was told to name after the person, but not call the child the exact name...
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amother
Goldenrod
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:44 am
amother [ Peach ] wrote: | What about when it's a parent/inlaw?
DH claims it is considered part of "kibud horim" to name after parents.
I cannot bring myself to name after a narcissistic abusive mean person.
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I would add a name and use the grandparents name day-to-day.
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miami85
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:49 am
My family is somewhat superstitious when it comes to names.
For example there was a relative whose name meant "low sight" and she had vision problems, so we avoid that name
There was another family member who I'm told wasnt such a nice person and there is someone name d after him and he went off the derech, so I avoid that name.
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amother
Silver
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 11:57 am
Reality wrote: | Where do you draw the line? Everyone has character flaws?
I named one of my children after a grandparent that used to say really mean things about my weight. But I love my parent!!! And it made my parent so happy that I used the name!!! Totally worth it for me. I did add a name but I did that for all my kids. Added or combined names.
My child is nothing like that grandparent.
I believe naming after a relative honors the relative that is still alive. It shows your love.
I believe people who think it's a shared neshamah or whatever see what they want to see and create their own destiny! They are so busy watching to see if said child has the same characteristics that it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. |
I'm not so sure that it's a self fulfilling prophecy.
I have 2 cousins living in real abusive marriages with many kids. One of them divorced then remarried to another terrible abuser and had a child with him too and is still married to him.
At one point we realized that both of these women have the same name and are named after the same person who also lived with abusive man and many kids. The person they're named after divorced with many kids, remarried, had another child and remained married to the abuser.
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amother
Bronze
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 12:09 pm
our children married into religiously RW families and our children-in-law have a "thing" about naming for "a godol." We never have and never will ask our children to name after anyone, not only because it's unfair pressure but also because if they don't think of it themselves, then it doesn't mean much. We want them to name because they feel it's meaningful. So far no one has named a child the exact same name as any of our parents. It's my belief that our children looked at the family names and chose one that they could connect to a godol. Let's say my father's name was Donniel Moyshe and my fil was Hertz Chaim, one kid named a kid Moshe supposedly after my father "But also (read: really) for Rav Moshe Feinstein" and the other named a kid Chaim, supposedly after my fil but "really" after Rav Chaim Kanievsky. Because my dad was never called Moshe except for an aliyah and my fil was never called Chaim except for an aliyah, and when we hear our grandsons called Moshe and Chaim it doesn't remind dh and me of our fathers.
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STMommy
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 2:14 pm
I'm usually not one to say "ask a sheila", that's not my mehalech but OP in this case I actually think it's a sheila.
My grandparent had a flawed character and when my sis had a baby, she was told to change the name (same first name, different middle name starting with the same letter). Then my brother had a baby and asked his own sheila, different rav (it was was Rav Kanievsky) and got the identical answer. So bottom line is, you may or may not have to change the name but it's something a Rav will pasken.
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Ruchel
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 5:47 pm
Your exemples are too different. I would named after flawed because lehavdil even avos had faults. I wuldn't name after bad
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amother
Goldenrod
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:09 pm
amother [ Bronze ] wrote: | our children married into religiously RW families and our children-in-law have a "thing" about naming for "a godol." We never have and never will ask our children to name after anyone, not only because it's unfair pressure but also because if they don't think of it themselves, then it doesn't mean much. We want them to name because they feel it's meaningful. So far no one has named a child the exact same name as any of our parents. It's my belief that our children looked at the family names and chose one that they could connect to a godol. Let's say my father's name was Donniel Moyshe and my fil was Hertz Chaim, one kid named a kid Moshe supposedly after my father "But also (read: really) for Rav Moshe Feinstein" and the other named a kid Chaim, supposedly after my fil but "really" after Rav Chaim Kanievsky. Because my dad was never called Moshe except for an aliyah and my fil was never called Chaim except for an aliyah, and when we hear our grandsons called Moshe and Chaim it doesn't remind dh and me of our fathers. |
I looked into it once:
Naming after someone from the parsha is a benefit for the child.
Some say naming after a gadol is also a benefit for the child. (But others don’t hold that way unless the gadol was also an ancestor).
Naming after a grandparent is a benefit for the grandparent.
So in my opinion it still counts. It’s still a benefit for your father and father in law that their descendant is named after their (real) name.
(I’m not your daughter in law by the way. Mine passed away unfortunately).
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amother
Peach
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:12 pm
amother [ Goldenrod ] wrote: | I would add a name and use the grandparents name day-to-day. |
I DONT WANT TO NAME AFTER THAT PARENT/INLAW PERIOD.
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amother
Goldenrod
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Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:15 pm
amother [ Peach ] wrote: | I DONT WANT TO NAME AFTER THAT PARENT/INLAW PERIOD. |
Hugs.
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