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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:07 pm
I currently have negative money in my bank account . We are constantly being overdrawn. I haven’t had a steady pay check since Covid, my educated husband doesn’t make enough money and I resent him for it. (Normally between our two salaries we do ok) Considering his level of education and amount of hours he’s working he should be getting a normal salary , not that of a secretary ! He’s too Passive about looking for something else . His salary is a joke .
I am frugal with money. If he wants to be PAssive and not care about Getting a decent salaried job then fine , I will keep rubbing it in his face . I will tell him I would love to do/buy xyz but I can’t (and by that I mean something small and inexpensive that I could use) because you won’t look for a decent job. I want him and need him to man up and provide for his family . And it hurts me that I shoulder the burden alone . Why am I the one who’s anxious about constantly being overdrawn ? Why does the stress only fall on me ??? Why doesn’t he care ?? If he cared about our lack of funds he would be worried too and like me , try to come up with ways we can make more money to pay thr bills .

You know what else makes me sad ? When I was davening on YK about tzedaka saving a person from death and being able to change your mazal through giving tzedaka I felt so bad that I couldn’t give 😢
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:31 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I currently have negative money in my bank account . We are constantly being overdrawn. I haven’t had a steady pay check since Covid, my educated husband doesn’t make enough money and I resent him for it. (Normally between our two salaries we do ok) Considering his level of education and amount of hours he’s working he should be getting a normal salary , not that of a secretary ! He’s too Passive about looking for something else . His salary is a joke .
I am frugal with money. If he wants to be PAssive and not care about Getting a decent salaried job then fine , I will keep rubbing it in his face . I will tell him I would love to do/buy xyz but I can’t (and by that I mean something small and inexpensive that I could use) because you won’t look for a decent job. I want him and need him to man up and provide for his family . And it hurts me that I shoulder the burden alone . Why am I the one who’s anxious about constantly being overdrawn ? Why does the stress only fall on me ??? Why doesn’t he care ?? If he cared about our lack of funds he would be worried too and like me , try to come up with ways we can make more money to pay thr bills .

You know what else makes me sad ? When I was davening on YK about tzedaka saving a person from death and being able to change your mazal through giving tzedaka I felt so bad that I couldn’t give 😢


Scary- this is exactly my situation - down to the YK tzedaka feeling bad about not being able to give. I can completely relate OP. Husband is passive, I'm a hustler with constant worry about finances. I just keep telling myself, we can't control others, we can only control ourselves. Focus on what I can do and focus on how I can be an asset at work. Try to stay positive with your husband. You can't change him.
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TwinsMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:33 pm
if you're usually ok on two salaries and he's the only one earning now, why don't YOU apply for something else if you haven't had a steady income in so long, and not worry about his lack of hustle?
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amother




Black
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:37 pm
I was in the same boat it's really hard my DH makes $ but not enough and I work 2 to 3 jobs one full time and two very part time. there were points in our marriage where he didn't work at all. It's tough. Just try to give positive encouragement and don't talk about it too often. You should do whatever you need to do to bring in the $ in the meantime even though it's difficult. Maybe you can switch careers, or get a second job or do something on the side to make more $ or maybe you can ask a relative to assist you in the meantime. We went through and got through some really tough times. What I did to help was I got food stamps, started working full time like crazy hardly took a day off, bargain shopped and only purchased necessities and I did extreme couponing, I never bought anything we didn't need and I never paid for shipping if there was shipping, I would call companies and ask for free samples, asked companies for coupons, asked companies for extra crazy discounts and got my kids 2nd hand clothes. B"H we are in a better place now after lots of hard work and effort. I also got a really good therapist that helped me figure out how to do more self care and ignore the negative side effects from DH not feeling good about himself. I try not to mention $ to him and B"H it works well. I used to bug him all the time and I don't anymore. He does work part time now but it's okay we are managing. I hope things get better for you really soon!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:41 pm
TwinsMommy wrote:
if you're usually ok on two salaries and he's the only one earning now, why don't YOU apply for something else if you haven't had a steady income in so long, and not worry about his lack of hustle?

Apply for something else ? I don’t want to go into detail but I do have a job but it’s temporarily on and off so I can’t just “apply “ for something else in the meantime . Trust me, I am a go getter and am doing everything I can physically do right now to bring in money .
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 9:45 pm
amother [ Black ] wrote:
I was in the same boat it's really hard my DH makes $ but not enough and I work 2 to 3 jobs one full time and two very part time. there were points in our marriage where he didn't work at all. It's tough. Just try to give positive encouragement and don't talk about it too often. You should do whatever you need to do to bring in the $ in the meantime even though it's difficult. Maybe you can switch careers, or get a second job or do something on the side to make more $ or maybe you can ask a relative to assist you in the meantime. We went through and got through some really tough times. What I did to help was I got food stamps, started working full time like crazy hardly took a day off, bargain shopped and only purchased necessities and I did extreme couponing, I never bought anything we didn't need and I never paid for shipping if there was shipping, I would call companies and ask for free samples, asked companies for coupons, asked companies for extra crazy discounts and got my kids 2nd hand clothes. B"H we are in a better place now after lots of hard work and effort. I also got a really good therapist that helped me figure out how to do more self care and ignore the negative side effects from DH not feeling good about himself. I try not to mention $ to him and B"H it works well. I used to bug him all the time and I don't anymore. He does work part time now but it's okay we are managing. I hope things get better for you really soon!

Thank you . I am hoping this is only temporary(have my full salary back ) but I do do what I can to save money, now and even when we are doing ok . I just can’t let go of the resentment . He’s just capable of so much more .
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amother




Oak
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 10:03 pm
It’s the mans job to provide for the family.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Tue, Oct 06 2020, 10:04 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I currently have negative money in my bank account . We are constantly being overdrawn. I haven’t had a steady pay check since Covid, my educated husband doesn’t make enough money and I resent him for it. (Normally between our two salaries we do ok) Considering his level of education and amount of hours he’s working he should be getting a normal salary , not that of a secretary ! He’s too Passive about looking for something else . His salary is a joke .
I am frugal with money. If he wants to be PAssive and not care about Getting a decent salaried job then fine , I will keep rubbing it in his face. I will tell him I would love to do/buy xyz but I can’t (and by that I mean something small and inexpensive that I could use) because you won’t look for a decent job. I want him and need him to man up and provide for his family . And it hurts me that I shoulder the burden alone . Why am I the one who’s anxious about constantly being overdrawn ? Why does the stress only fall on me ??? Why doesn’t he care ?? If he cared about our lack of funds he would be worried too and like me , try to come up with ways we can make more money to pay thr bills .

You know what else makes me sad ? When I was davening on YK about tzedaka saving a person from death and being able to change your mazal through giving tzedaka I felt so bad that I couldn’t give 😢


Hugs. Your situation sounds very difficult. I would strongly recommend not 'rubbing it in his face', though. His self esteem will suffer and it can only make things worse. Try being kind to him, finding a different place to let out your resentment, and daven for things to improve. I hope your situation improves quickly!
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Learning




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 07 2020, 7:17 pm
It looks like extremely tough situation. Can you try and help him get a better job? Sit together and apply for jobs for Dh. Look around for a job for him. You are team he is laid back and there are good sides to it. If he was aggressive and not passive he would have been a stress ball in this covid situation and you and the kids would have suffered. You married him for the good and the bad. I’m sure he is doing his best according his personality. You are the go getter this is why you complement each other. Use your strength to help him find a better job. Besides it is lack of Emuna to rub it in his face and it is also bad midos. Good luck!
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 07 2020, 8:09 pm
Learning wrote:
It looks like extremely tough situation. Can you try and help him get a better job? Sit together and apply for jobs for Dh. Look around for a job for him. You are team he is laid back and there are good sides to it. If he was aggressive and not passive he would have been a stress ball in this covid situation and you and the kids would have suffered. You married him for the good and the bad. I’m sure he is doing his best according his personality. You are the go getter this is why you complement each other. Use your strength to help him find a better job. Besides it is lack of Emuna to rub it in his face and it is also bad midos. Good luck!

He is actually not laid back at all . He gets frustrated easily . He is passive about getting ahead in life , that’s different than being laid back
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 07 2020, 8:12 pm
TwinsMommy wrote:
if you're usually ok on two salaries and he's the only one earning now, why don't YOU apply for something else if you haven't had a steady income in so long, and not worry about his lack of hustle?

FYI your post is quite rude . I work plenty plus I am The one keeping the home so it’s not really fair that I should take on evening jobs when my kids need me then . And even if that weren’t the case , the burden of providing should not all be on me .
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TwinsMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Oct 08 2020, 10:18 am
I'm sorry if you interpreted my question as being rude--- you said you haven't had a steady paycheck since Covid. I interpreted that to mean you haven't worked since March. Rather than wait for things to get back to normal I was suggesting to apply for something else.

So you ARE working full time, but not getting paid? For me, it would be a no brainer to do a shift.

"I work plenty" should equal you getting paid. Maybe not a huge salary, but enough for half your expenses if you both work full time.
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amother




Violet
 

Post  Thu, Oct 08 2020, 10:39 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
FYI your post is quite rude . I work plenty plus I am The one keeping the home so it’s not really fair that I should take on evening jobs when my kids need me then . And even if that weren’t the case , the burden of providing should not all be on me .

It may not be optimal but it doesn't sound like you have a choice.
Sometimes life isn't fair. Sometimes we have to make the best of it.
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Thu, Oct 08 2020, 12:06 pm
If you live in US you may be eligible to claim unemployment for every day that you dont have work.

Please look into this.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Oct 08 2020, 8:46 pm
amother [ Copper ] wrote:
If you live in US you may be eligible to claim unemployment for every day that you dont have work.
I’ve done that, thank you
Please look into this.
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amother




Maroon
 

Post  Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:36 pm
amother [ Oak ] wrote:
It’s the mans job to provide for the family.

So what should OP and I and other Imas do when our husbands don't come through on that?
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amother




Honeydew
 

Post  Mon, Oct 12 2020, 2:36 pm
I don't know if this reply belongs in the surrendeded circle forum, but I've been following laura doyle's approach (or trying to follow it) on finances. are things perfect? no, but they have tremendously improved.
I don't stress about the money, I hand my salary over to my husband.
if he owes someone money, I don't think about it.
How we will pay for an upcoming Simcha? I don't think about it.
I do my part by going to work, trying to make the most money I can in the hours I am working, and spending reasonably. I don't pinch pennies like crazy, but I buy what is necessary and reasonable. I thank him for providing for our family, and whenever I buy something for the kids, I have them go and thank him. this approach was a lifesaver to me!!
now my relationship isn't about money. at the beginning of the month, I give him an expenses list of what I anticipate that month; and whatever he gives me I try to be appreciative and thank him.
whenever I get involved, there is never a positive outcome.
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