Going out with friends

amother

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:16 pm

Ds 15 is planning 3rd time in a row to go out with friends bowling, golf carts, ect. I'm not happy about it . Once and twice I feel is enough and I dont feel I should allow it a 3rd night out. Thing is I cannot convince my ds to stay here . Doesn't seem to work. He promised to be back early and leave early . What I'm nervous is that they are planning to go to the mall golf carts and I dont know if it's the right thing to allow a 15 year old boy to go. Though he is a responsible, trustable, mature and bh not into doing bad things . I need input in what others would do or say in such a case . I did tell him though that I'm not happy about it that he already had his outings , but he really wants to go .
Help me approach my child the right way please .

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:35 pm

You can't really (shouldn't) control teenagers. You tell them what you think is right and what you expect from them and leave the rest up to Hashem. This is where asking Hashem for Sayata Dishmaya comes in.
I remember watching my aunt TELLING her son that he MUST be home at a certain time and being very on top of him. To me it sounded very controlling. Give it one year from that date and he is nebach drifting away from Yiddishkeit.
Keep Davening for Sayata Dishmaya. Hatzlacha

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:38 pm

when I tell my teenage kids what I want from them, my DH keeps reminding me: They are teenagers, you cannot control them, be careful how you speak to them. Watch your step, they are vulnerable.

Ruchel

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 5:55 pm

Quote:

I remember watching my aunt TELLING her son that he MUST be home at a certain time

Under 18 ? then yes it's your duty

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 6:09 pm

What's wrong with going out 3x over chol hamoed?

naomi2

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 7:09 pm

Do you really have a good reason for not letting him go?

amother

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 7:10 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Quote:

I remember watching my aunt TELLING her son that he MUST be home at a certain time

Under 18 ? then yes it's your duty

Seems like there is all different kinds of thoughts on this . Depending the circumstances, or house rules and authority perspectives. Honestly, I really dont know .

1ofbillions

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 7:38 pm

Going out three times with his friends is a great sign IMO. He seems like a healthy teenager.

amother

Gray

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 8:13 pm

Why can't he go again?

amother

Cerulean

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:33 pm

Ruchel wrote:

Quote:

I remember watching my aunt TELLING her son that he MUST be home at a certain time

Under 18 ? then yes it's your duty

Its probably the language, tone of voice and way you express your requests and rules that make the difference.
You should voice your opinions and rules but how?

amother

Seafoam

Thu, Oct 08 2020, 9:50 pm

Are you by any chance the same amother who was upset about her son coming home from being with his friends and getting straight on the phone?

It sounds like you want him to spend more tune with family and less with friends. That's not so simple. I think you can require family time, but should be clear in advance about when it is. And because this is of particular concern, I would check with a mentor (a good friend with experience, a trusted rebbetzin whose derech you like) about how and when to do this. Same with specific activities.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 11 2020, 5:41 am

I would be thrilled if DD had friends she could hang out with like this. A social life is an extremely important part of emotional development and maturity. He's learning about how to interact with his peers, and he cannot learn that at home. Only other kids can teach him that.

Please don't underestimate how crucial this is, especially when there isn't a lot of structure around school these days.

Give your son a cell phone, and a time you expect him back. He should call you when he's on the way home so you can relax. If he's going to be late (going out for pizza afterward, or other change of plans) he should call you and let you know what's going on. Give him an absolute hard line curfew, and don't negotiate. "OK, but you must be back by 10pm. Call me when you're on the way home."

The more you show your son that you trust him, the more he will want to earn that trust and keep that trust. The more you try to control him, the more he is going to pull away from you. As a matter of fact, when was the last time you specifically told him he was a good kid, and that you trusted him? Kids, especially teens, need to hear this said in exactly those words. It will "fill up their love tank" and boost their self esteem. All kids want to get their parent's approval above all else. You have a golden opportunity to give that to him.

DrMom

Sun, Oct 11 2020, 7:21 am

I think if you ask him not to go, then it is right to expect him to listen to you.
You bare his mother, and he is a minor living under your roof.

But what is the problem with going out? Are you concerned about hygienic conditions/covid? Or something else?

amother

Hotpink

Sun, Oct 11 2020, 7:42 am

I think if it were a regular school week, this would be problematic. But on vacation? Be happy that he has an active healthy social life and let him go.

Sure you are within your rights to refuse, but tread carefully. If you start forbidding him from doing things he really wants, and for no solid good reason, then you are risking a rebellion on your hands. And a rebellious teen is the last thing anyone wants.

FranticFrummie

Sun, Oct 11 2020, 1:18 pm

amother [ Hotpink ] wrote:

My DD was always an extremely logical kid. If I could give her a good, solid reason for something, she'd accept it even if it meant she couldn't have or do what she wanted.

If she felt like my decision was unfair, arbitrary, or otherwise senseless, she'd keep badgering until I could give her a "real answer".

I tried really hard not to pull the "Because I'm the adult in the house, and I say so!" card, as much as I possibly could. I always hated that when I was a kid. When a parent sits down and gives a logical reason, that means that they are treating the child like an intelligent person who can understand what the rules are. The child feel respected, and that takes the sting out of being told "no" to something.

By the same token, if the child has a really good logical counter-argument, and you really have nothing good to come back with besides "I said so", then maybe you should rethink your rules, and let your child be "right" sometimes.

(BTW, the "logic method" works amazingly well between the ages of 4 and 10.

Then you hit the tween years, and everything goes out the window. It's all emotions and tantrums, all the time. The best you can hope for at in the tween years is to keep talking them down from ledges. Occasionally they will be sweet, but if you blink, you'll miss it. LOL

At around 14 and up they are open to hearing logic again. From there you can really build an amazing relationship with your quickly maturing teen/young adult.)