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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
My 11 year old still comes into our beds
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:30 am
Because she is the youngest we just haven’t been on top of making her sleep in her own bed. Sure every year we go through periods of trying and then it just starts again. So now I’m trying again.. the problem is she is just not falling asleep. She’ll be up until 2 am trying to come in and telling me she can’t sleep, and I keep sending her back to her bed. I mean she has to eventually fall asleep right? But then I’m waking her 6 hours later and I feel so bad sending her off to school so tired. I once spoke to the dr about it and felt that her advice made little sense. Hoping someone here has better advice... no judgment please or what I should have done 10 years ago! Just looking for help for where we are right now.
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simcha2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:39 am
Have you tried making her stay in her bed for 2 weeks straight?
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oneofakind




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:46 am
Soft music before bedtime. Books she can read in her bed if she wakes up in middle of the night.
She needs to be taught relaxation techniques for falling asleep and that she can take care of herself-she doesn't need you.
Sounds like anxiety.
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tree of life




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:47 am
Try melotonim for a, few nights till her body gets use to sleeping on a regular time
Also I have a child same age youngest too brought her mp player so she can listen to in his bed if no choice bribe with toy or money
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:49 am
What was the doctor`s bad advice? Also, do you lock the door and ignore her? At 11 you shouldn't be sending her back. You should be completely ignoring her. You could also penalize her for coming to your door. Hatzlocha!
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 8:50 am
Lock the door of your bedroom
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 9:15 am
Give her melatonin for afew nights and lock your bedroom door. She's a pre teen and shouldn't be doing this anymore once you tell her that's it and she can't come.
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amother
Ivory


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 9:21 am
Honestly you’re continuing to treat her like a baby. I treat my 5 year old with more maturity. Meaning, if my 5 year old chooses to stay in bed awake for hours (which she does) singing or whatever then she will be tired in the morning. Not me. I tell her this all the time. Your 11 year is way past the age where she understands consequences. She doesn’t sleep, she feels tired. Except that you keep ‘feeling bad’ and she knows that she has you wrapped around her finger so why should she sleep? I’m not judging, I’m only saying that it’s not necessarily what you need to DO that’s different but rather your thinking.
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jerusalem90




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 9:23 am
I've heard that children will generally choose not to cosleep at age 13. It's okay if the behavior is unwanted, but just know that it's normal and natural at 11 to still want to sleep with parents.
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amother
Sapphire


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 9:25 am
I agree with giving her a little melatonin
But if all else fails and you go back on your word
I wouldn’t let her in my bed
I would get her a sleeping bag and tell her she would need to camp out on the floor
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thanks




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 9:46 am
amother [ Sapphire ] wrote:
I agree with giving her a little melatonin
But if all else fails and you go back on your word
I wouldn’t let her in my bed
I would get her a sleeping bag and tell her she would need to camp out on the floor

Why camp out on the floor? She's old enough to go to sleep in her bed. I wouldn't let her in or near my room at all. She needs to be in her room.
A sound machine might help her fall asleep.
Consistency is key here. You said you tried a few times, so clearly you have gone back and forth on your word. That's what makes it so much harder the next time you try to enforce the change in behavior. I realize how hard this can be, and sometimes it's easier to give in. But in the long run, it makes it so much harder for all of you. So make sure you are serious and will take this until the end before you even start. You are the mother, you can stay firm. You may have to try a few different things, but before long, one of the suggestions will work and she will sleep in her own bed.
How about allowing her in on shabbos morning, or Sunday morning with the condition that she sleeps in her bed nicely the rest of the week. That might work as an incentive for her.


Last edited by thanks on Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:21 am; edited 1 time in total
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:05 am
Some of these responses are a tad harsh, so I hope it will make you feel better to know you're not the only one dealing with this. My daughter recently had her 11th birthday and does the same. I literally could have written your post. Melatonin isn't really working. I do believe its a kind of anxiety that needs to be managed... Its not easy and you have my sympathies. Its easy to say its your technique as a mother, but sometimes there are other things at play. Its not just an easy blame-the-mom, especially since other children in my family at least, have not behaved like this at all.
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Chayalle




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:13 am
My youngest is 12 and B"H sleeps well in her own bed, but she has also been thru phases. I would do a few things:

*check with her pediatrician. Always the best place to start with any issue, just to rule out any problems and to get suggestions from a medical standpoint
*don't let her into your bed. Period. Take her back to hers. And don't feel bad. B"EH it will resolve itself, and she's better off getting there sooner rather than later.
*Read "How to Solve your Child's Sleep Problem" by Richard Ferber. Yes it's meant for babies, but he has advice for bigger kids too.
*If it's anxiety, get her some self-help books at her level to help her cope with her anxiety. There's a really good one called What to Do When You Worry Too Much that really gives kids tools and thoughts to help them cope.
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keym




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:19 am
The first thing I always do when kids come to my bed is check their beds comfort and fix.
Many people naturally will "upgrade" their own bed, especially when pregnant- larger, soft mattress topper, warmer, softer linen, better pillows.
You need to make sure your child's bed and bedroom is as physically comfortable as possible- check creaks, lights, temperature.
Only then can you actually try to have her stay in her own bed.
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amother
Cyan


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:20 am
Try sitting with her( or laying down with her)in her bed either until she falls asleep. You can talk for 5 minute and then she needs to try to close her eyes. Sit in the dark and silence. A noise machine is extremely helpful for this. She might have the security she needs to fall asleep on her own. Basically you are weaning her like a toddler but if she never learned how to self soothe then she has to learn. It might be anxiety or hyperactivity that’s keeping her from settling down with a different routine than she likes.
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amother
Violet


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:25 am
Give her a place to sit and read or something at night when she can't sleep. She should be able to take a break from trying to sleep (lying awake in bed can associate lying in bed with wakefulness).
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amother
Mustard


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:39 am
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
Some of these responses are a tad harsh, so I hope it will make you feel better to know you're not the only one dealing with this. My daughter recently had her 11th birthday and does the same. I literally could have written your post. Melatonin isn't really working. I do believe its a kind of anxiety that needs to be managed... Its not easy and you have my sympathies. Its easy to say its your technique as a mother, but sometimes there are other things at play. Its not just an easy blame-the-mom, especially since other children in my family at least, have not behaved like this at all.


My nine year old does this and worse. He cries and wakes everyone up unless he is in my room. We have tried every method. Hopefully most kids mature at some point.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:42 am
I would speak with a sleep coach or find a different doctor
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amother
Cobalt


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:14 am
It may help to take her her to the store (or have her pick out online) new bedding, pillows, etc. and prepare her ahead of time that once her bed has a "big girl makeover" she is not allowed to get into any other bed. Build up the excitement a few days in advance so she can get used to the idea, and then once it is done, make a clean break from her old habit. New bed, new sleep habits. On the first night, reinforce and remind before she goes to sleep that there will be NO coming into your bed no matter what. If/when she comes to your room, just turn her round, walk her back to her bed and tuck her in. Repeat until she gives up, no matter how tired she is or you are. After she breaks her old habit, she will stop trying.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 12:23 pm
Thanks for all the responses!

I’d never lock the door.. at this point a lot of this is largely my fault and to just go from hot to cold and lock her out is really not my way..

To the poster who suggested redoing her room, we’re actually in the midst of that Smile it’s just a bit of a process, but I’m going to try to incorporate it into getting her to stay there.

A big problem is that she sneaks in when we’re sleeping so I can’t send her back. But no, I’m still not going to lock her out.

To the poster who mentioned comfort, her bed is pretty new, but still I like the idea of maybe buying a softer mattress topper. Will be part of her room makeover.

You’ve all been so helpful, I really appreciate everyone taking the time to share tips!
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