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I’m a failure of a mom



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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:03 pm
I used to love kids, and couldn’t wait to have my own.
Now I have the two sweetest souls and they grate on my nerves.
I’m a loner and being a mom who’s constantly surrounded with kids is something I started to think maybe I’m not cut out for.
I keep forcing myself to give them attention and love, show them I care, but I feel so desperate to have my space and I know they feel it. They’re anxious and crying fighting all the time, probably because they don’t have my heart, and I feel so horrible. All I want is to see them go off to school and then to bed.
And then I check out imamother to relax a bit and I bump into posts of franticfrummie for one and her love and care for her dd is spilling out of my screen and I feel like such a failure of a mom.
Maybe mothering isn’t for everyone.
Poor poor kids of mine.
Ugh
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amother
Mint


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:10 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I used to love kids, and couldn’t wait to have my own.
Now I have the two sweetest souls and they grate on my nerves.
I’m a loner and being a mom who’s constantly surrounded with kids is something I started to think maybe I’m not cut out for.
I keep forcing myself to give them attention and love, show them I care, but I feel so desperate to have my space and I know they feel it. They’re anxious and crying fighting all the time, probably because they don’t have my heart, and I feel so horrible. All I want is to see them go off to school and then to bed.
And then I check out imamother to relax a bit and I bump into posts of franticfrummie for one and her love and care for her dd is spilling out of my screen and I feel like such a failure of a mom.
Maybe mothering isn’t for everyone.
Poor poor kids of mine.
Ugh


FIRST OF ALL, cut that out. You're not a terrible mom. You're not a bad mom.

Do you love your kids? Yes.
Do you give your kids food, clothing, shelter, things they need? Yes.
Do you hit them? Scream at them epithets? Tell them they're worthless human beings? No. (I hope)

Here's a secret: Most of us need our space. I work full time, so dealing with my kids for a few hours a day works great for me. When they're home all day from school due to Corona, that's when things get dicey.

Don't label yourself as a bad mother. You will fulfill your own expectations. Your kids are probably just cranky and tired, and lots of kids fight, but you're putting a label on normal kids behavior.

Smile at yourself. Forgive yourself. If you feel yourself losing it, go tell your kids to color while you have to go to the bathroom, then hang out in the bathroom for half an hour. Everyone needs breaks now and again.
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graphic613




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:20 pm
I hear you loud and clear!
I started going out once a day alone for an hour and it really helped me. The library, gym, grocery shopping... Just me time away from my home
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 10:29 pm
Yeah I do take (a lot) of time for myself but I still feel most of the time I want my kids to get out of the way.
Crazy. Don’t tell me it’s not.
I absolutely love them when they sleep
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amother
Tan


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:28 pm
You're not alone OP
You're a good person and a good mother
Daven to Hashem to help you
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amother
Purple


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:33 pm
Some people, especially introverts, don't do well with lots of noise and constant talking. So you need to proactively create a calm atmosphere with your kids. If they are little, have bubble blowing time. You get to take deep breaths and blow bubble while they run around.
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Good Friend




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:51 pm
I occasionally feel like you. Used to be a lot more often. I currently have a 1 year old and a 2 year old, who I love more than anything, but being their mother is quite a demanding job.
Luckily for me I have a maid who comes in 6 hours a day, which is the norm in the country where I live. (Before anyone gets too jealous bear in mind that because my community is too small to open a Jewish school, I will iyH have my kids home with me all day everyday until they grow up and leave the house, so I will never get a break from the kids during school)
Anyway some people are very proud of the fact that they take care of their children themselves, and their maids only deal with housework and cooking. I am proud that my maid takes care of my kids for 5 out of the 6 hours she's at my house, and I take care of them the other 19 hours a day with a lot more patience than I would have if I was taking care of them the whole time. I use my 5 free hours to work uninterrupted, so it's not like I'm relaxing, but for me it's easier than taking care of the kids, because everything is expected (more or less). I click on the keyboard and the writing shows up on the screen, without tantruming about it, believe it or not!
The point of this drosho is that you should take whatever kind of help you can get, guilt free, because that will enable you to be the best mother you can be to your kids.
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amother
Blue


 

Post Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:55 pm
Hi, I'm also a failure of a mom.

But I keep picking myself back up and trying again.

The way the kohanim learned to work in the Beis Hamikdash was through on-the-job training, Avodasam Mechanchasam.

Parents tend to learn that way too.

I'm also an introvert, need my own space, way too selfish, lazy and disorganized.

But guess what?

Over the years my kids trained me to be more patient. To be more tolerant of noise. To step back from being the referee.

And I worked myself on expressing my love. On trying to make dinners on time. On consistency.

I don't know that I'd ever make it to imamother standards. I'm not put together enough for that. I have quirks and hangups that keep me from doing it all. Some would say I don't deserve to have kids if I don't take care of them properly.

But I've come a long way. And I keep trying.

I am now blessed with an above-average family size, a messy house, and tuition bills that make me laugh because the other choice is to cry. And each and every one of those kids is worth all the stress and pain that come along with them.

I'm a failure of a mother.

But the only answer to failure is to get back up and try again.

It may take time, but if you're going in the right direction, you'll get there.

Love,
Your fellow failure
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flowerpower




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:16 am
Figure out how to bond with your children in a way that you can enjoy them. With me it’s taking them on outings and baking. Everyone has their own preferences. I am sure you’re not a failure at all but having these feelings every day is something you should definitely work on changing. How old are they? I’m asking because once they’re a certain age they can play on their own and you can make play dates.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:07 am
You’re right purple, it’s definitely the noise factor that gets me
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amother
Copper


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:08 am
I used to feel that way.

But the older I get the more I realize that that’s how moms are!
I’m a good mom despite my shortcomings!

I try my best and hopefully my kids only see my best (for the most part...)
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:10 am
Omg good friend!
No I don’t envy you at all.
No school?? I’d have a breakdown.
I’m so so lucky! Thank you Hashem!
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amother
Plum


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:10 am
Every parent has a different relationship with their children. It's OK to need some alone time, and having it while they're in school and after bed is great. If their school day finishes early and it's a long afternoon, it's totally understandable that you want a quiet moment to yourself at some point. I set my daughter up with some crayons, magna tiles, sticker projects, etc so I have 10 minutes to myself to make dinner, or even just drink coffee on my own. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't but there's nothing wrong with wanting a moment and trying to get it.
With Covid, it is/was harder for people with this need as everyone was basically home all day. But if your kids are back to school now it should be a little easier.
I used to use my time walking to work as my alone time. I purposely chose a sitter close to my house, vs close to my job, so that I can walk alone and just enjoy my me time.

(Btw, Ff mentioned her child is non binary, so it would be dc.)
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:13 am
Fellow failure, reading your post got me thinking that maybe I’m not a real failure because you definitely don’t seem to be one!
Thanks for this beautiful post!
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:28 am
Thanks everyone!
Yeah I love my kids to pieces and would want to give them the world but I just love to be alone with my very important philosophy books and have a clean quiet house. I’m selfish I know. Will try to work on that.
One day when I’ll be old and gray I’ll have a good time..
Hope Hashem will help me become a good mom.
Thank you all for the advice.
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behappy2




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 8:18 am
Try to create routines and structure. Time with them having fun will help you enjoy them, give them their emotional needs and alleviate the guilt. And then you need time alone. When you know you are getting your alone time at this hour you can tolerate the rest. Make sure to take care of yourself physically too bec it affects your energy and patience level. I also struggle with this and this works for me.
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amother
Indigo


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 8:27 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I used to love kids, and couldn’t wait to have my own.
Now I have the two sweetest souls and they grate on my nerves.
I’m a loner and being a mom who’s constantly surrounded with kids is something I started to think maybe I’m not cut out for.
I keep forcing myself to give them attention and love, show them I care, but I feel so desperate to have my space and I know they feel it. They’re anxious and crying fighting all the time, probably because they don’t have my heart, and I feel so horrible. All I want is to see them go off to school and then to bed.
And then I check out imamother to relax a bit and I bump into posts of franticfrummie for one and her love and care for her dd is spilling out of my screen and I feel like such a failure of a mom.
Maybe mothering isn’t for everyone.
Poor poor kids of mine.
Ugh


Welcome to my world, 20 years ago...

Let's face it: Raising children is overwhelming, and they can go on your nerves, and they bicker, and we loose it...

I agree that it is a state of permanently being overwhelmed, as long as you have preschool children..
..even worse if you have a baby in the mix and don't get enough sleep...

Once the youngest is about 6 or 8, it all calms down, miraculously...
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amother
Coffee


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 9:44 am
amother [ Blue ] wrote:
Hi, I'm also a failure of a mom.

But I keep picking myself back up and trying again.

The way the kohanim learned to work in the Beis Hamikdash was through on-the-job training, Avodasam Mechanchasam.

Parents tend to learn that way too.

I'm also an introvert, need my own space, way too selfish, lazy and disorganized.

But guess what?

Over the years my kids trained me to be more patient. To be more tolerant of noise. To step back from being the referee.

And I worked myself on expressing my love. On trying to make dinners on time. On consistency.

I don't know that I'd ever make it to imamother standards. I'm not put together enough for that. I have quirks and hangups that keep me from doing it all. Some would say I don't deserve to have kids if I don't take care of them properly.

But I've come a long way. And I keep trying.

I am now blessed with an above-average family size, a messy house, and tuition bills that make me laugh because the other choice is to cry. And each and every one of those kids is worth all the stress and pain that come along with them.

I'm a failure of a mother.

But the only answer to failure is to get back up and try again.

It may take time, but if you're going in the right direction, you'll get there.

Love,
Your fellow failure


Wow. You are my role model.
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spikta




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 6:17 am
Every mom has different strengths.
I'm really not a baby person. They're cute for a few minutes. Then just exhausting.
I have a much easier time as my children get older. I love getting a few minutes to take a walk or do something just me and my eldest and have a real conversation with her. It's so interesting how she sees the world. And I'm thrilled that she's reading on her own now. We can just curl up together on the couch and read our own things, but together. I still have to deal with the more demanding younger ones, but it reminds me that things get better.

I would recommend that when you're with them, really be present. Put your phone on a high shelf and don't look at it at all when the kids are around. You think that it's an escape for you, but it makes everything much worse - they're clingier, you're distracted, even though you're not aware of it, and very easily overwhelmed.
Try to think of what else you're doing while you're with them. Are you trying to clean up after them? Cook? Try doing less and really BEING with them. I find that makes kid time much less draining. Even if I have to do an extra 20 minutes of cleaning after they go to sleep, or prep meals in advance, it's worth it for my sanity.
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