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When do you turn off the computer for you Dd 16 yo

 
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Oct 20 2020, 11:38 pm
They started school full time. We live OOT. During lockdown and vacation I had it on 12pm shutoff. Should I change it now? She goes to Bais yaakov.
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amother




Orange
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:31 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
They started school full time. We live OOT. During lockdown and vacation I had it on 12pm shutoff. Should I change it now? She goes to Bais yaakov.


AM?
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 11:01 am
Your DD at 16 should shut it herself, at whatever time you discuss with her in advance.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:00 am
I had a typo. The computer shuts off at 11pm actually. I have tag on the computer. I allowed Netflix and amazon prime during the coronavirus. Now they have regular school at Bais yaakov here. I see that she stays up with the computer. I don’t like it. She also have trouble waking up. Should I turn it off earlier or restrict the movies only to Sunday if at all. Idk how to go back to normal without upsetting her. She is a very good child overall and in school. The principal and friends love her and she is a very talented and a very good student. But can be chutzpah sometimes. Wwyd?
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:21 am
Tell her that it's up to her. If she can prove to you that she can get up on time, not be grumpy, and keep her grades up, that you will trust her with the computer.

If she can't do that, they you will have no other choice than to cut the computer back.

If you put her in control of the decision, she can't complain that you are "being mean".
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:33 am
But I’m still the parent. Internet is addictive and movies are not the great also. She is in Bais yaakov.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:35 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I had a typo. The computer shuts off at 11pm actually. I have tag on the computer. I allowed Netflix and amazon prime during the coronavirus. Now they have regular school at Bais yaakov here. I see that she stays up with the computer. I don’t like it. She also have trouble waking up. Should I turn it off earlier or restrict the movies only to Sunday if at all. Idk how to go back to normal without upsetting her. She is a very good child overall and in school. The principal and friends love her and she is a very talented and a very good student. But can be chutzpah sometimes. Wwyd?

I have a good idea. Be verbally abusive to her every morning and demand she not leave until she has helped you get everyone else ready. Put her in a room with a sister who hates her. She will set her alarm clock very early and wake up at the first ring, and be out the door by the time everyone else is starting to get up.

It works very very well even for 16yos who are on the computer all night and whose mothers hate them for being on the computer, and who have trouble getting up in the morning. Especially if they are good girls overall, are talented and good students, but can sometimes be chutzpadik.

----

In all seriousness...

A 16yo is not a child anymore. She is a young adult and in some circles parents marry their girls off at this age. Treat her like a young adult. You're not in charge anymore and if you try to force an issue it will only backfire.
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amother




Black
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
But I’m still the parent. Internet is addictive and movies are not the great also. She is in Bais yaakov.

You are still the parent. But she's no longer a child.

You need to treat her with the same respect you'd treat any other young adult, unless you want her to move out at the first opportunity.
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FranticFrummie




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 2:52 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
But I’m still the parent. Internet is addictive and movies are not the great also. She is in Bais yaakov.


https://www.amazon.com/gp/prod.....1a99b
https://www.amazon.com/gp/prod.....30d10

Please read these. They will help you make decisions you can stand by and feel good about.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 5:48 am
I understand all the reply if we were secular or even very modern. As a yeshivish family her friends some of them don’t have much internet and some don’t really watch movies. Do you endorse the fact that a child has unlimited internet and become addicted Fay and night. This is our kids generation. Yeshivish families don’t have this problem because the limit the internet. She doesn’t have an iPhone and non of her friends have it. She has a flip phone with no internet.
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 6:10 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I understand all the reply if we were secular or even very modern. As a yeshivish family her friends some of them don’t have much internet and some don’t really watch movies. Do you endorse the fact that a child has unlimited internet and become addicted Fay and night. This is our kids generation. Yeshivish families don’t have this problem because the limit the internet. She doesn’t have an iPhone and non of her friends have it. She has a flip phone with no internet.


I agree with you. It should be limited now that she's back in school. I don't think she should have Netflix at all. But preferably not in a forceful way. Better with open conversation about how she needs to get back into school mode. It's really a very hard transition back to routine. I see that with myself and my children. Can it be done gradually? Or give her a warning a few days in advance that you'll be reinstalling a timer on the internet?
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 6:28 am
During lockdown I allowed a lot of screentime. Afterwards I gradually limited it, every week I scaled back the permitted amount of screentime, with a prior warning announcement. Kids and teens, I don't differentiate. Teens were easier as they had more social life returning and lots of schoolwork.
How does your daughter have so much extra time to be on a screen?
Right now I allow screens one school night a week and on Friday afternoon when we are all ready for shabbos. I end up saying yes one more night a week, just for the sake of saying yes more often than I like to. Smile
I'm particular about what we do online though. Only Jewish frum movies, no games that has anything in it that goes against our values, and no internet chat groups.
I would get rid of Netflix yesterday.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 7:00 am
The problem is that even though it’s Bais yaakov they sometimes need the computer for homework
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 7:02 am
amother [ Salmon ] wrote:
During lockdown I allowed a lot of screentime. Afterwards I gradually limited it, every week I scaled back the permitted amount of screentime, with a prior warning announcement. Kids and teens, I don't differentiate. Teens were easier as they had more social life returning and lots of schoolwork.
How does your daughter have so much extra time to be on a screen?
Right now I allow screens one school night a week and on Friday afternoon when we are all ready for shabbos. I end up saying yes one more night a week, just for the sake of saying yes more often than I like to. Smile
I'm particular about what we do online though. Only Jewish frum movies, no games that has anything in it that goes against our values, and no internet chat groups.
I would get rid of Netflix yesterday.

I need to get rid off Netflix and prime videos gradually. She uses the computer for shopping also. I have tag on the computer so no social media and YouTube is allowed only for educational stuff.
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amother




Salmon
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 7:17 am
I would take the subscription $ from Netflix and put it towards something else she likes- something off screen. Clothing, jewelry, books, crafts, exercise activity, etc.
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Coke Slurpee




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 8:15 am
I have a rule no screens a half hour before bed and no screens till they are done everything they need to do, ie. HW, laundry, showers, clothes put out for the next day and lunches. That works for my younger kids that don't have their own devices. With my older teens that have their own devices we have alot of discussions of expectations and responsible use of their device.
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Hashem_Yaazor




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:44 am
I don't know your relationship with her but my 15 yo son is mature enough to have an adult conversation with. I let him list what his priorities are, we discuss how he can achieve them, then what is blocking them, and how we can alleviate whatever we have control over.

If she wants to be in school on time and wants to not be so tired, you can help her sort through an action plan of how she can get enough sleep and work backwards from there.

The movie watching is both a separate issue and also a relevant part to this discussion.
I would venture to guess that not only is she not getting so much sleep but also thinking about it the next day and taking away her focus.

Now that the clock is changing, why don't you let motzei shabbos be "movie night" so you're not taking it all away from her, and she won't need it on a school night.
If she got drawn into series I think you'll have a problem but for just movies, it should work.

But the real question is if she wants to change. If not, you're not going to have an easy time.
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amother




Cyan
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:51 am
oP your tone makes it sound like you are headed toward a power struggle with her. That will not be effective in maintaining a good relationship with her. You need to reframe your thoughts as she’s a young adult, not a child. She needs encouragement and guidance, not forceful restrictions that will make her feel choked. Have a respectful conversation with her. I say respectful as in mutual respect, not demanding respect
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Oct 28 2020, 1:06 pm
I will have a respectful conversation with her on Sunday. But she for sure won’t like it. It is natural that she likes to watch movies and she whenever she likes. I think I will let her have Netflix on Saturday night until 11pm (?) and Sunday until 6pm. What do you think? Otherwise she can use the computer during the week but I’m not sure until what time. The problem is that last year they needed the computer for homework. I’m so upset that Bais yaakov wants them to use the computer if you are on the advanced classes. I guess that’s part of the reason that some rabbi families don’t let the Dd enroll in the advance literature class
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