Walking couple to chuppah in case of difficult marriage

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amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:16 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

We're Chabad. I learned that the people walking the couple down to the chuppa need to be married couples. If one side is divorced then there should be a married couple walking down instead of them, and the divorced parents can join that couple.

In Chabad it's usually the two mothers walk the kallah down and the two fathers walk the chassan down, so in the case of a divorce it would be the married mother holds one arm, the married woman chosen to take the divorced mother's spot takes the kallah's other arm, and the divorced mother holds that woman's arm. A row of four women instead of three. And the same for the chassan - the divorced father walks next to the married man holding his son's arm.

I've never actually seen this done, but I don't think I've been to a Chabad wedding where either set of parents was divorced.

It's definitely an inyan to have married couples walk the bride and groom down.

My mother got married after her father died, so her uncle and my dad's father walked down my father, and my mom's aunt (married to aforementioned uncle), her mom, and my dad's mom walked my mother down. So 3 men and 4 women walked down the aisle.

nchr

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 1:26 pm

I'd assume the mother is pregnant...

essie14

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:01 pm

singleagain wrote:

I know someone who lost a parent. And only the remaining parents walked the child down. Alone.

Me. and many friends of mine.
All walked down by just 1 parent alone. Very happily married.

dankbar

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:02 pm

How does it work when mom is niddah, she is holding on to kallah & her husband also holding onto kallah at same time. Maybe that's why chassidim do both mothers, as they are very strict with harchokos, and can't hold on to same object

funkyfrummom

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:05 pm

In Chabad, as others have said, the escorts are married and yes, it's supposed to be "happily" married. You would not choose someone who was struggling in their marriage... it would be people you aspire to have a similar, happy marriage. If parents are living, it is the parents. I remember being told that it shouldn't be a young couple.... it should be a couple that has weathered different stages of a marital relationship... the highs and the lows... so not a 22-year-old Rivki and her newlywed husband.

I think, though, if parents have divorced, having your parents with you under the chupah with you (even if they are no longer happily married to each other) would be a higher priority... if for no other reasons that kibbud av v'em and samech chason v'kallah.

If the parents are not available, then yes- should be married couples. There are other reasons than divorce that parents might not be under the chupah.

I think there is a similar tradition that g-dparents who hand off baby to the sandek for a bris are also supposed to be a happily married couple.

Elfrida

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:15 pm

nchr wrote:

I'd assume the mother is pregnant...

Is a pregnant woman not meant to stand under the chuppah?

nchr

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:26 pm

Elfrida wrote:

Is a pregnant woman not meant to stand under the chuppah?

some ppl have a minhag to "not walk 2 children at once to the chuppa"

Elfrida

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:29 pm

nchr wrote:

some ppl have a minhag to "not walk 2 children at once to the chuppa"

I'd never heard of that. Thank you.

amother

Olive

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:39 pm

We were told that if the parents are divorced, they can walk their child down but a married couple should walk down behind them.
It was actually very nice as we were able to "honor" a couple that was very involved in the shidduch to walk down the aisle behind the kallah.

rainbow dash

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:50 pm

My sil lost her husband a yr ago and made a wedding after that. She walked her sons kallah down and her older married son walked down the chossen, his brother

ra_mom

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 5:47 pm

dankbar wrote:

There is no problem if a couple both hold onto the same person, when the woman is nidda. There is a harchakah that some hold about not swinging that child in the air together (referring to small children).

amother

Lavender

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 9:23 pm

Having a married couple walk the chosson and kallah is not only a chassidish thing. It's in the yeshiva world too. Happily married doesn't seem to matter. While we were separated, (not yet xdh was living with someone else) we both walked dd down the aisle.

For children post divorce, another couple walked my child down (older married sibling and spouse, close relative...). I walked next to them. Under the chuppah it was me, not whoever walked the child down.

Divorced parent can be under the chuppah.

I was at a wedding where the divorced parents walked their dd down. The Rabbi told them to stop about 6 steps before the chuppah itself and let their dd walk the rest herself. They were then able to join those under the chuppah.

And I walked my oldest child down the aisle while 7 months pregnant too. Never heard that could be an issue.

pause

Wed, Oct 21 2020, 10:19 pm

dankbar wrote:

People aren't objects. There is no problem for a couple during niddah to each hold onto a different arm of the same child (even a young one).

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