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S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp
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Rappel




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:49 pm
Quote:
Quote:
moonstone wrote:
That it's considered normal in some communities that after you have a baby, you send your other kids away for a few weeks-- even toddlers who don't understand what the heck is going on.





The kids often go to relatives they know. If the kids are happy and safe, what's wrong with that? I'm horrified that women go home to a house full of kids 2 days post birth and do everything as if nothing has happened. Bh we have family and community that are glad to help us out and make sure mom gets adequate rest and care post partum.


Quote:
ExtraCredit wrote:
Why would this beautiful chesed that people do for each other after a baby horrify you?


I, too, find the idea of sending toddlers away bizarre. The original thread discussing this said that it's normal in some communities to send all the children away for two weeks or more post-partum.

But how do they not get abandonment trauma from that?

No toddler wants to be away from imma and abba. They can't understand the concept that "imma needs to rest." When days turn to weeks, they don't think that imma and abba are gone forever?

And what mother can go two weeks without seeing her little children? It sounds more painful than restful.

I understand older children getting to spend time with their friends/relatives - that's a treat for them. I understand sending help for babysitting and household management so the mother can rest and recover.

I don't understand the idea of both primary caregivers ditching a toddler for weeks.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:53 pm
I totally agree with you.

I also agree with whoever said that it's not ok for mother to return home and be expected to straight away manage a house full of kids. But there must be ways to make this easier for her without sending away all the kids.
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:54 pm
Mom needs some rest after childbirth which can compare to major surgery. Taking care of a toddler plus a newborn 2 days after birth can backfire and then said toddler can be much a bigger Rachmanis than the one who went to the loving aunt for a week or two in the first place. Mom does miss toddler a ton but she knows she’s doing the right thing by taking the help she needs and regaining some strength before jumping back to normal. This same mom will take her niece and nephew toddlers when their mom will give birth.
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:54 pm
I usually preach respect for mentalities we don't understand. But I'm with you on this one. I can't fathom it. My toddler wouldn't look me in the eye after I'd been in the hospital for less than 2 days after birth.

Last edited by Success10 on Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:03 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:57 pm
We used to go to my grandparents for a few days when my mother had a baby. When she had a C-section, we stayed there for a little longer so she could recover.

I think one of the things that led to my PPD was having to come home and entertain my 16-month-old together with a screaming newborn when I had just been back to the ER for postpartum preeclampsia.

Personally, I would have been absolutely relieved if someone would have taken my toddler for a week or two.
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amother




Cerise
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:58 pm
ExtraCredit wrote:
Mom needs some rest after childbirth which can compare to major surgery. Taking care of a toddler plus a newborn 2 days after birth can backfire and then said toddler can be much a bigger Rachmanis than the one who went to the loving aunt for a week or two in the first place. Mom does miss toddler a ton but she knows she’s doing the right thing by taking the help she needs and regaining some strength before jumping back to normal. This same mom will take her niece and nephew toddlers when their mom will give birth.


I assume the toddlers are in daycare or something. Why can't they go to their aunt for a few hours after daycare and then go sleep at home? And if they aren't in daycare, then just spend half the day at their aunt's.

I think in these cultures it's also not so common for the dh to take over all the childcare for the first couple of weeks. The dh should be doing all childcare in the evening, and the tired pp mom only giving hugs and cuddles.
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Fave




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:59 pm
I think that what some don’t understand is how close knit some of these communities are.

The toddlers that are going to their aunt/grandmother are very familiar in their relatives homes.

The families meet each other every Shabbos/Motzei Shabbos in the grandmothers house. The families go shopping and spend time together on Sundays.

The kids don’t feel abandoned.

I don’t live such a lifestyle, but I feel that the outsiders are not getting the right picture.
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 2:59 pm
Is it safe to guess that those that are literally “horrified” are a wee bit jealous that their family and community doesn’t have this setup? Let’s be honest here.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:00 pm
My toddler being at her grandmas house for a few days is her dream come true. Ice cream, attention, and outings..... why is that trauma??

I actually have a relative staying at my house right now. Her mom had a baby. Is she supposed to go to therapy after?! She speaks to her mom as often as she would like and is having a great time.

Different folks, different folks...
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:00 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
We used to go to my grandparents for a few days when my mother had a baby. When she had a C-section, we stayed there for a little longer so she could recover.

I think one of the things that led to my PPD was having to come home and entertain my 16-month-old together with a screaming newborn when I had just been back to the ER for postpartum preeclampsia.

Personally, I would have been absolutely relieved if someone would have taken my toddler for a week or two.

Yup, this is what we’re talking about...
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:01 pm
I was under the assumption that people send their toddler to people the kid knows. Usually family, close friends or neighbors so child doesn't feel abandoned or dumped by strangers.
It's not something that is done where I live but I thought it's actually a win win.
I have neighbors who come home from the hospital, with a newborn, to a house full of kids. Don't know how functional that is either.
I don't know what the solution is but I guess you gotta compromise somewhere, somehow.
I personally wasn't faced with this as I struggle and have to wait between each child, by the time the next one comes, mine is not a baby anymore and gets to choose. I guess everyone struggles in their own way.
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:01 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I assume the toddlers are in daycare or something. Why can't they go to their aunt for a few hours after daycare and then go sleep at home? And if they aren't in daycare, then just spend half the day at their aunt's.

I think in these cultures it's also not so common for the dh to take over all the childcare for the first couple of weeks. The dh should be doing all childcare in the evening, and the tired pp mom only giving hugs and cuddles.


If my dh would be doing all the childcare then we would have ONE kid in total. Thank gd for family!!
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:02 pm
ExtraCredit wrote:
Is it safe to guess that those that are literally “horrified” are a wee bit jealous that their family and community doesn’t have this setup? Let’s be honest here.

Nope.
My extended family has this set up but I chose to keep my kids home.
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amother




Powderblue
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:03 pm
I'm from a very different background, I've never done this and it wouldn't work for us since we have no close family living nearby.

But try to understand it in a cultural context:
In a close knit family the kids will have already spent a lot of time at their relatives houses, and will be very well acclimated to the family and surroundings. This won't be out of the blue, and they will have been prepared beforehand.
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amother




Sienna
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:04 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I assume the toddlers are in daycare or something. Why can't they go to their aunt for a few hours after daycare and then go sleep at home? And if they aren't in daycare, then just spend half the day at their aunt's.

I think in these cultures it's also not so common for the dh to take over all the childcare for the first couple of weeks. The dh should be doing all childcare in the evening, and the tired pp mom only giving hugs and cuddles.


In the Chassidish world most men work hard and long hours, it's not even possible. Many husbands would love to take over and be home earlier, trust me.
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amother




Aubergine
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:04 pm
I went to relatives when my younger siblings were born. It was exciting! It was just considered part of the process of how babies are born for the other children to stay at a relative for a while so the mother could rest.
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:04 pm
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Nope.
My extended family has this set up but I chose to keep my kids home.

But do you find the idea horrifying?
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ExtraCredit




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:06 pm
amother [ Brunette ] wrote:
If my dh would be doing all the childcare then we would have ONE kid in total. Thank gd for family!!

I’m sure those that come home from the hospital straight to their toddlers take it into the equation when planning their family size. Here comes tomatoes... Punch


Last edited by ExtraCredit on Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:07 pm; edited 1 time in total
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silverlining3




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:06 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I assume the toddlers are in daycare or something. Why can't they go to their aunt for a few hours after daycare and then go sleep at home? And if they aren't in daycare, then just spend half the day at their aunt's.

I think in these cultures it's also not so common for the dh to take over all the childcare for the first couple of weeks. The dh should be doing all childcare in the evening, and the tired pp mom only giving hugs and cuddles.


1st paragraph-I think this is much more confusing for the child not understanding.

2nd-as one said, yes many men work till late afternoon. And yet, when they come home, they definitely try to help wherever possible so their pp wife can rest. (After the kids come home from their stay away.) Atleast in my experience.


Last edited by silverlining3 on Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:11 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Wed, Oct 21 2020, 3:07 pm
amother [ Sienna ] wrote:
In the Chassidish world most men work hard and long hours, it's not even possible. Many husbands would love to take over and be home earlier, trust me.


Men work hard, long hours outside of the chassidish world, too.
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