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S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:09 pm
I have two children who are older now, but when the second was born my older one went to my mother while I was in the hospital and then I stayed at my mom for another few weeks. So she was able to help and I was with him. I understand as families get larger this may not be feasible. But I honestly think my children even as toddlers would have been thrilled to stay at Bubby for a week or so. I guess each situation is individual. While I don’t see myself wanting to send my children away, at least not for long, if it’s needed and the children have a loving relative with whom they feel close and comfortable then it may not be a big deal. My parents and in laws both live locally and my children have always loved going there. I completely don’t understand the culture of going to a “kimpeturin home”, but that’s for another thread. Personally I like being home with my family!
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:10 pm
We've had this argument in past, so in communities where mom works full time & her baby goes out from birth to daycare/babysitter she doesn't want her mom?
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allthingsblue




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:10 pm
I'm definitely not horrified by it but I don't do it. Dh pitches in more, grandparents take the older kids on day outings on the weekends, we buy toys and treats for the older kids, we let the older kids take part in the celebration, we eat pizza and hot dogs. But we also have a bigger space than many of the posters who send their kids out- 2 and a half or 3 years, so the youngest dc is old enough to understand somewhat.
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:11 pm
ExtraCredit wrote:
Is it safe to guess that those that are literally “horrified” are a wee bit jealous that their family and community doesn’t have this setup? Let’s be honest here.


We have a different setup.

My community offered to hire me a housekeeper and an in-house babysitter for a month. They were worried that because my mum isn't available to take care of me, that I would have difficulty recovering.

I declined the offer, because I really didn't feel like I needed it. DH took off two weeks of work to manage everything post-partum so I could R and R, and even after that he still took on the bulk of the housework and the children whenever he wasn't working, so I felt rested. Better that the yishuv's money goes to someone whom really needs it.

I'm now 2 months post partum, and I feel fine. But you know what? It might be much harder when I have 6, 7, 8 kids, beezrat Hashem. At that point, I'll take the town's help.
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amother
Cerise


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:12 pm
ExtraCredit wrote:
Is it safe to guess that those that are literally “horrified” are a wee bit jealous that their family and community doesn’t have this setup? Let’s be honest here.


Being honest here. Not the least bit jealous.

I think it's lovely to take the kids out for a good few hours every day, but I wouldn't want them sleeping elsewhere for 2 weeks at toddler age.

If it works for you, though, great. My family set up is very different from this culture from the get go. I don't have 8 children, my dh is home by 7 every day and can organize bedtime and bathtime and supper all on his own very well.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:12 pm
Rappel wrote:
We have a different setup.

My community offered to hire me a housekeeper and an in-house babysitter for a month. They were worried that because my mum isn't available to take care of me, that I would have difficulty recovering.

I declined the offer, because I really didn't feel like I needed it. DH took off two weeks of work to manage everything post-partum so I could R and R, and even after that he still took on the bulk of the housework and the children whenever he wasn't working, so I felt rested. Better that the yishuv's money goes to someone whom really needs it.

I'm now 2 months post partum, and I feel fine. But you know what? It might be much harder when I have 6, 7, 8 kids, beezrat Hashem. At that point, I'll take the town's help.

Now I’m feeling a wee bit jealous that I don’t live on a yishuv Wink
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Zehava




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:14 pm
It’s not trauma if done the right way. It’s called rupture and repair. I’ve actually discussed this in therapy. Therapist told me that even if I think the child is too young to understand I should talk to them. Start preparing in advance and telling them what will happen. If otherwise the child is well-attached they will be fine. Make sure to tell them clearly and many times that you will be back.
When I left my toddler to go on vacation he actually told the babysitter every day that mommy is coming back. He was barely two.
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Rappel




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:15 pm
dankbar wrote:
We've had this argument in past, so in communities where mom works full time & her baby goes out from birth to daycare/babysitter she doesn't want her mom?


Maybe not. If the babysitter has the baby all day, then maybe the baby looks on her as "mom," and would be traumatized if she left.

What I'm hearing, is that in large families in these communities, the mom is not necessarily the primary mother figure in a child's life. They may have several such figures, or it may be bubby etc.

Is that true?
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dankbar




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:15 pm
ExtraCredit wrote:
I’m sure those that come home from the hospital straight to their toddlers take it into the equation when planning their family size. Here comes tomatoes... Punch


They also space them more apart, so they don't have to go home to a 2 yr old, 1 yr old & newborn who are all home with no daycare & a mom after c-section who is not even allowed to lift more than 5lbs, without husband home all day, not in kollel where has a 2 hr lunch break, but actually working at a job.
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:16 pm
I have my own feelings, but I'd like to hear from a child psychiatrist, if we have anyone here who could offer a professional opinion.
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amother
Orange


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:16 pm
amother [ Gold ] wrote:
Now I’m feeling a wee bit jealous that I don’t live on a yishuv Wink
This is not typical of all yishuvs. I live on a yishuv as well. This is not done where I live. And to be honest, never heard of this either Smile
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ExtraCredit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:17 pm
dankbar wrote:
They also space them more apart, so they don't have to go home to a 2 yr old, 1 yr old & newborn who are all home with no daycare & a mom after c-section who is not even allowed to lift more than 5lbs, without husband home all day, not in kollel where has a 2 hr lunch break, but actually working at a job.

That’s sort of what I was saying...
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amother
Bronze


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:17 pm
I don't understand it either, but it's not done in my community and I had never even heard of this idea until Imamother.

Where I live, the goal is to keep things as normal as possible for the children so they can adjust to a new sibling while still sleeping in their own beds and keeping to their usual schedules as best as possible. Friends and family help families with new babies by providing meals or driving carpool or inviting the bigger kids over for play dates or running errands or whatever else they can do. If possible, grandparents come help out so there are extra pairs of hands and the parents can give attention to all their kids. Some families hire a night nurse or other help if they don't have family that lives nearby.

Then again, I live in a community where people commonly space their kids 2+ years apart and don't have huge families. So the older kids are usually in school most of the day and the new mom can relax and just bond with the baby.
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ExtraCredit




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:19 pm
Bottom line it’s a beautiful chesed for those that WANT it and can get it. Nothing horrifying about it. Of course if you prefer to come right home to your toddlers it’s not horrifying either. Whatever works. As long as mom, dad, baby, toddler and rest of the family are happy and taken care of physically and emotionally.
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amother
Orchid


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:20 pm
amother [ Azure ] wrote:
I have my own feelings, but I'd like to hear from a child psychiatrist, if we have anyone here who could offer a professional opinion.


I think you mean psychologist.
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amother
Gold


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:21 pm
Ok so here’s an important question - are these children going to virtual strangers or close family members where they feel comfortable and loved?
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amother
Azure


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:22 pm
amother [ Orchid ] wrote:
I think you mean psychologist.


Yes, I do. My phone thought otherwise. Oops.
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Blessing1




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:25 pm
Rappel wrote:
Maybe not. If the babysitter has the baby all day, then maybe the baby looks on her as "mom," and would be traumatized if she left.

What I'm hearing, is that in large families in these communities, the mom is not necessarily the primary mother figure in a child's life. They may have several such figures, or it may be bubby etc.

Is that true?


Mom is most definitely the primary mother figure in the childs life. But the extended families spend lots of time together so the kids know the aunts and relatives very well. My kids beg me to go away more often so they can stay at relatives. The kids aren't put by strangers. They're with family that they know very well. I don't look up on mothers that come home to a house full of kids straight from the hospital. It's not supposed to be this way. It's not healthy or normal. A women post birth is a choleh mesukan. I wonder if these women would come home to a house full of kids after major surgery.
It's not a gadlus to not accept help. I think it's a beautiful thing that yidden are so happy to help each other's out. Of course there are kids that are not always happy when they're away. These kids usually get taken home earlier.
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amother
Emerald


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:26 pm
I remember the day I gave birth to DS #2. My oldest was 2 years and 9 months old. Baby was born at 7am on DS #1 first day of school.
I cried the entire time I was in labor because I felt so bad for him that his mommy couldn’t be there to bring him to school and back. (It wasn’t labor hormones because I’m tearing up typing this, and it’s 13 months later).
When my husband brought him to the hospital to visit me, he had the saddest look on his little face and cuddled up with me in my hospital bed.
5 days later was a mommy-and-me brunch for his class. I went. It made me feel so much better, and my son was thrilled. I wouldn’t have been able to handle not going.

A new baby is a giant stressor, and little kids need their mommy at least a little bit. A kiss before bedtime. A 2 minute “how was your day, Love?” Putting something special in their school bag. Something!
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amother
Floralwhite


 

Post Wed, Oct 21 2020, 12:27 pm
I also think it makes a huge difference if we are discusinng a child aged 2 or under, who can't really understand anything, or a 2+ year old who does get it.

Also makes a difference if this is literally for 2 weeks straight; not being home or seeing mommy or daddy, or just a few days.
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