Home
Log in / Sign Up
    Private Messages   Advanced Search   Rules   New User Guide   FAQ   Advertise   Contact Us  
Forum -> Parenting our children
S/O of "horrified" thread - sending kids away pp
  Previous  1  2  3 12 13  14  15  Next



Post new topic   Reply to topic View latest: 24h 48h 72h

lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:04 pm
amother [ Puce ] wrote:
This was never about whether a child is away from home. It was always about whether a child feels rejected, abandoned, insecure, or anything else along those lines, as a result of the parents' choice to have the child sleep away from home.

The difference is enormous.


If a parent goes to sleep at night, are they causing their child to feel rejected and abandoned as a result of their choice?
It's about the information being given vs a child left trying to make sense of things alone. When things don't make sense, a child will believe a negative message about themselves (Nobody cares about me, I don't matter) because if they trust and love their parents and nobody has taught them about grey areas in thinking, then there must be something wrong with me.
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:06 pm
Blessing1 wrote:
Oh, they never go on vacation without taking all their kids along.


You can mock, but most people I know do not go on a couple's vacation when they have toddlers at home.

I guess this might be more challenging in families with ten children, when they have a toddler at home for 2 decades straight.

But honestly, I haven't been on a couple vacation for decades and we have a very good marriage. I like my bed and my kitchen and feel no pull to spend time in a strange hotel just for the hotel experience. If we travel, it's as a family, and we like it that way.

I realise this is not for everyone. But I thought many chassidic couples also don't do 'couple' vacations. Do you think their marriages are any less happy?
Back to top

amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:07 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
You can mock, but most people I know do not go on a couple's vacation when they have toddlers at home.

I guess this might be more challenging in families with ten children, when they have a toddler at home for 2 decades straight.

But honestly, I haven't been on a couple vacation for decades and we have a very good marriage. I like my bed and my kitchen and feel no pull to spend time in a strange hotel just for the hotel experience. If we travel, it's as a family, and we like it that way.

I realise this is not for everyone. But I thought many chassidic couples also don't do 'couple' vacations. Do you think their marriages are any less happy?


?????
Not me personally but
Chassidish couples are super into couple vacations!!!!
Back to top

lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:08 pm
keym wrote:
Let's say that's true.
Are there people helping all these babies and toddlers process what's happening, or is it like I'm reading. The kids are fine. I did it my cousins did it. We're all fine.

Because maybe kids aren't fine, but don't know how to express it because that's just what's done.

Maybe adults aren't fine, and never processed the abandonment, but are being told that the trauma isn't real because everyone else does it.


Hooray

Yep, we're on the same page here.

No need to be horrified with kids being sent away post-birth, if you're not horrified with moving, or taking kids to the dentist.
Back to top

QueensMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:09 pm
lilies wrote:
Hooray

Yep, we're on the same page here.

No need to be horrified with kids being sent away post-birth, if you're not horrified with moving, or taking kids to the dentist.


Some traumas are unavoidable.
If my toddler would have to go to the dentist I would be at his side rubbing his arm and whispering soothing words in his ears. Then we’d get a toy and ice cream after so the experience was as positive as possible.
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:12 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
?????
Not me personally but
Chassidish couples are super into couple vacations!!!!


Not all of them. I know there are groups where the women will go with the women on a retreat, but they wont go with their dhs for a weekend.
Again, not all chassidim, but some of the more rw ones. Some won't even sit next to their wife in the car or walk beside her on the street, so a romantic getaway isn't really in the cards.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:14 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
You can mock, but most people I know do not go on a couple's vacation when they have toddlers at home.

I guess this might be more challenging in families with ten children, when they have a toddler at home for 2 decades straight.

But honestly, I haven't been on a couple vacation for decades and we have a very good marriage. I like my bed and my kitchen and feel no pull to spend time in a strange hotel just for the hotel experience. If we travel, it's as a family, and we like it that way.

I realise this is not for everyone. But I thought many chassidic couples also don't do 'couple' vacations. Do you think their marriages are any less happy?

Chasidish couples do go on vacation and btw vacation comes in many forms. If your Parents would do a shidduch with someone overseas and marry off there and it’s not feasible to take your kids along, would you just not attend your own siblings weddings?
Back to top

kenz




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:15 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Not all of them. I know there are groups where the women will go with the women on a retreat, but they wont go with their dhs for a weekend.
Again, not all chassidim, but some of the more rw ones. Some won't even sit next to their wife in the car or walk beside her on the street, so a romantic getaway isn't really in the cards.


You're talking about one specific sect. No other chassidim are like that. They are definitely tzniusdig when outside but those extreme rules are specific to one group. We have many threads on it.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:15 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Not all of them. I know there are groups where the women will go with the women on a retreat, but they wont go with their dhs for a weekend.
Again, not all chassidim, but some of the more rw ones. Some won't even sit next to their wife in the car or walk beside her on the street, so a romantic getaway isn't really in the cards.

You’re actually missing the point
They wouldn’t do things in public but the romantic getaway doesn’t have to be public and they would very much yes go.
Back to top

amother
Ecru


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:16 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Not all of them. I know there are groups where the women will go with the women on a retreat, but they wont go with their dhs for a weekend.
Again, not all chassidim, but some of the more rw ones. Some won't even sit next to their wife in the car or walk beside her on the street, so a romantic getaway isn't really in the cards.


Actually some of those couples that don’t sit in the front together have the most amazing relationships. And they vacation together also.
Back to top

lilies




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:16 pm
QueensMama wrote:
Some traumas are unavoidable.
If my toddler would have to go to the dentist I would be at his side rubbing his arm and whispering soothing words in his ears. Then we’d get a toy and ice cream after so the experience was as positive as possible.


It is not up to anyone to decide which traumas are unavoidable to others. Recuperating post-birth is for a mother's health, in the same way surgery is for a child's health. Or dentist.
Why is mom's health dispensable?
Back to top

amother
Ginger


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:17 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
Not all of them. I know there are groups where the women will go with the women on a retreat, but they wont go with their dhs for a weekend.
Again, not all chassidim, but some of the more rw ones. Some won't even sit next to their wife in the car or walk beside her on the street, so a romantic getaway isn't really in the cards.


Who are these mysterious groups pray tell? I know a lot of very right wing chassidish people and all of them would happily go on vacation with their spouses.

Women go on all women retreats as a separate fun getaway.
Back to top

amother
Cerise


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:20 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
Chasidish couples do go on vacation and btw vacation comes in many forms. If your Parents would do a shidduch with someone overseas and marry off there and it’s not feasible to take your kids along, would you just not attend your own siblings weddings?


I would first of all try to take my kids. The most feasible option is to take a toddler, usually, not to leave him.

But if it were 100% impossible to take my toddler overseas, then I would leave dh to take care of him, and of course I would go to my sibling's wedding.

This would not be a circumstance where I would even consider leaving a one or two year old alone for a week or more, in a different house.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:20 pm
amother [ Ginger ] wrote:
Who are these mysterious groups pray tell? I know a lot of very right wing chassidish people and all of them would happily go on vacation with their spouses.

Women go on all women retreats as a separate fun getaway.

Yep I’m trying to figure if she thinks a romantic vacation needs to be some scandalous trip?
Back to top

QueensMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:21 pm
lilies wrote:
It is not up to anyone to decide which traumas are unavoidable to others. Recuperating post-birth is for a mother's health, in the same way surgery is for a child's health. Or dentist.
Why is mom's health dispensable?


I won’t decide for you what traumas are unavoidable. If you feel that having your toddler home post birth would harm you emotionally you need to do what you need to do.

That said, I don’t know anyone who sends away their toddler for two weeks when they have a baby. And yet they all lived to tell the tale.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:23 pm
amother [ Cerise ] wrote:
I would first of all try to take my kids. The most feasible option is to take a toddler, usually, not to leave him.

But if it were 100% impossible to take my toddler overseas, then I would leave dh to take care of him, and of course I would go to my sibling's wedding.

This would not be a circumstance where I would even consider leaving a one or two year old alone for a week or more, in a different house.

If your mother lives nearby, and you go over very often, is that considered “a different house”. You guys are making it sound like your sisters and parents are strangers who your kids barely know.
Also you do realize that people generally talk to their kids very often while they’re away. It’s not like- hey kid we’re dropping you off and we won’t know about you for 2 weeks now! Bye!
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:24 pm
QueensMama wrote:
I won’t decide for you what traumas are unavoidable. If you feel that having your toddler home post birth would harm you emotionally you need to do what you need to do.

That said, I don’t know anyone who sends away their toddler for two weeks when they have a baby. And yet they all lived to tell the tale.

And then somehow they live to tell a tale that often includes PPD.
Back to top

amother
Mistyrose


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:26 pm
Also do you people not send your kids to an overnight camp? And I’m sure lots of you encourage your kids to go because you can use the breather too.
Back to top

amother
Denim


 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:27 pm
lillies, could you give some more guidance as to how to help children have a non-traumatic separation through repairing the rupture? Thanks!
Back to top

QueensMama




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Oct 22 2020, 4:28 pm
amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:
And then somehow they live to tell a tale that often includes PPD.


Nice try.

My friends and family aren’t walking around with ppd because they didn’t send their toddlers away. There are ways to recuperate without traumatizing your little one. I can list them if you’re interested.
Back to top
Page 13 of 15   Previous  1  2  3 12 13  14  15  Next Recent Topics




Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> Parenting our children

Related Topics Replies Last Post
I love frum fashion for kids
by amother
149 Today at 3:03 am View last post
What's the latest you would go away for Shabbos if invited
by amother
24 Today at 12:55 am View last post
What knapsacks are "in" for upcoming 9th grade?
by amother
6 Yesterday at 11:00 pm View last post
Some kids don’t thrive in a school setting 33 Yesterday at 10:54 pm View last post
"Affordable" clothing for an adult
by amother
3 Yesterday at 3:50 pm View last post