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Forum
-> Fashion and Beauty
amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:05 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote: | So, who exactly has been telling you she isn't trendy? It probably isn't coming from the mothers of suggested dates, just some neighborhood yentas. |
Nope, from two different shadchanim.
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amother
Turquoise
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:15 pm
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amother
Taupe
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:18 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Nope, from two different shadchanim. |
Are they not setting her up due to this?
Or are they saying boys are saying no, because of this?
I think you need to tease this out. Could be they aren't the shadchanim you want to rely on. Or could be, your daughter isn't getting set up with good matches.
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Rappel
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:35 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Nope, from two different shadchanim. |
Oh, OP. Your worry and exhaustion is bleeding through your writing. Hugs.
We once did a poll on this site, "how did you meet DH?" It turns out that the overwhelming majority of people here met their spouses through friend suggestions; very few met through shadchanim.
The shidduch system only really works well for a very narrow slice of the Jewish world: If you are mainstream and rich, or mainstream with yichus, then you are made to marry. Everyone else, no matter how brilliant or talented, gets treated as leftovers.
So please consider whether it's worth engaging in this system at all: do these shadchanim see your daughter, or do they see a checklist? Are they setting her up with people whom are suitable for her? Does this system apply to her and your family, or is she, "out of the box"?
If she is, then please keep her dignity intact and drop these shadchanim. Only use people whom are personal family friends, and consider suggestions through appropriate contacts. She will meet and marry her spouse at the right time, and her best bet meanwhile is to enjoy being herself.
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SixOfWands
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:39 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote: | Nope, from two different shadchanim. |
Call them and ask what specifically they mean by that. Clothes, hair, the wrong mask -- what is it they are commenting on?
They stand to make money if they find her bashert, they offered the critique, let them explain.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:44 pm
Rappel wrote: | Oh, OP. Your worry and exhaustion is bleeding through your writing. Hugs.
We once did a poll on this site, "how did you meet DH?" It turns out that the overwhelming majority of people here met their spouses through friend suggestions; very few met through shadchanim.
The shidduch system only really works well for a very narrow slice of the Jewish world: If you are mainstream and rich, or mainstream with yichus, then you are made to marry. Everyone else, no matter how brilliant or talented, gets treated as leftovers.
So please consider whether it's worth engaging in this system at all: do these shadchanim see your daughter, or do they see a checklist? Are they setting her up with people whom are suitable for her? Does this system apply to her and your family, or is she, "out of the box"?
If she is, then please keep her dignity intact and drop these shadchanim. Only use people whom are personal family friends, and consider suggestions through appropriate contacts. She will meet and marry her spouse at the right time, and her best bet meanwhile is to enjoy being herself. |
You are very perceptive. I am both.
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amother
Burlywood
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 4:58 pm
Sometimes it's the hair and shoes and accessories that can make all the difference in the impression someone gives. The overall look should be coordinated and classy. Doesn't have to be super dressy but not too casual either.
Good luck OP! IyH she should find her bashert soon!
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amother
Salmon
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 5:00 pm
OP would you want to give a general idea of what type of boy your dd is looking for? I dabble in shidduchim and I bet a lot of ladies here do too. Maybe someone here knows her bashert!
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amother
Pumpkin
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 5:29 pm
I've never used a personal stylist. but I think you should. I follow this instagram account https://www.instagram.com/styledbysheva/ She doesn't necessarily look for expensive stuff, but can figure out with you and your daughter what colors/styles look good on her. I have no idea how much she charges, but if its feasible, it might be a big help and a confidence boost to her.
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amother
Tan
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 5:48 pm
Also a great person to check out is @sosotznius on insta
shes a young girl and she works in fame. posts daily OOT and outfit ideas
love her page
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amother
Copper
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 6:03 pm
If I would wear pleated skirts and long cardigans, I would look terrible. I’m short and about 10 pounds overweight.
She has to wear what looks good on her, not only what’s in style.
If she is overweight, it makes dressing well much harder!
This definitely calls for a shopping spree. Try to shop somewhere where they are helpful and give you attention.
She will find favor in the eyes of the right one at the right time.
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amother
Hotpink
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 6:36 pm
op when you say both do you mean wealthy mainstream and with yichus? you mentioned you were from Manhattan. I grew up on the upper west side. It was common for people there to be "wealthy".
Something I noticed is that I think a fair number of people married non Americans, think canadian, english, european..., just something to keep in mind. Others married out of towners, think baltimore, cleveland...
Who are these shadchans connected to? Is there a certain type that she is looking for that you can reach out to shadchans in that yeshiva? Like Mrs. Berkowitz is a shadchan for ner yisroel. I'm not personally so familiar with the more yesheivish places but I'm sure others are.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 6:42 pm
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote: | op when you say both do you mean wealthy mainstream and with yichus? you mentioned you were from Manhattan. I grew up on the upper west side. It was common for people there to be "wealthy".
Something I noticed is that I think a fair number of people married non Americans, think canadian, english, european..., just something to keep in mind. Others married out of towners, think baltimore, cleveland...
Who are these shadchans connected to? Is there a certain type that she is looking for that you can reach out to shadchans in that yeshiva? Like Mrs. Berkowitz is a shadchan for ner yisroel. I'm not personally so familiar with the more yesheivish places but I'm sure others are. |
As it happens I am two out of three of those. But when I said "both" I was responding to the person who said I seem exhausted and worried.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 6:50 pm
PS I would be thrilled for an out of towner, Canadian or European. I actually lived out of town until my teens, and my husband didn't move here till he was in his early 20s.
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amother
White
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 6:53 pm
Best thing to go to local frum store and ask a salesperson that you can trust to dress your daughter “more updated”. People have different talents. Some people just don’t get the nuances of the new styles and it is worth it to have somebody else help you then you try to figure it out yourself
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amother
Hotpink
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 7:00 pm
I'm not surprised
I think the problem isn't how your daughter dresses but that the shadchans don't know the right "type" for her.
where does she fall hashkafically? maybe some people might have some leads.
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amother
Smokey
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 7:17 pm
Op what background are you? I know of some eligible Canadians, mainstream, brilliant doesn’t care abt specific styles, a bit out of the box wants some kind of chassidishe background
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amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 7:23 pm
amother [ Hotpink ] wrote: | I'm not surprised
I think the problem isn't how your daughter dresses but that the shadchans don't know the right "type" for her.
where does she fall hashkafically? maybe some people might have some leads. |
I would say she is LW yeshivish or RW YU. She definitely wants someone for whom learning is v important but he needs to have some sort of career plan (not limited to a professional - could be planning on rabbanus or chinuch). She is a good frum girl who davens every day,, dresses in a tzniusdik way, attends shiurim, but she is very intellectual and interested in many things. Does that give you a sense?
PS She dresses very nicely, just not super trendy. Think Ralph Lauren style.
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amother
Silver
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 7:38 pm
Hi, OP-
I know what sort your daughter is, because I would describe myself similarly. Kind of in the right wing YU world, but my mother is a bais yaacov girl and my grandparents are Hungarian, so YU isn't exactly my style.
I dress similarly to your daughter as well- clean, preppy, and classic. It's a manhattan look, or at least the frum manhattan look. I definitely feel plain compared to someone from Lakewood or 5T, but simple is classic and it worked for Coco Chanel, so I don't see why it shouldn't work for your daughter.
My husband is from London. The English and the West Siders seem to make good matches. Maybe consider reaching out to European contacts.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Oct 27 2020, 7:51 pm
amother [ Silver ] wrote: | Hi, OP-
I know what sort your daughter is, because I would describe myself similarly. Kind of in the right wing YU world, but my mother is a bais yaacov girl and my grandparents are Hungarian, so YU isn't exactly my style.
I dress similarly to your daughter as well- clean, preppy, and classic. It's a manhattan look, or at least the frum manhattan look. I definitely feel plain compared to someone from Lakewood or 5T, but simple is classic and it worked for Coco Chanel, so I don't see why it shouldn't work for your daughter.
My husband is from London. The English and the West Siders seem to make good matches. Maybe consider reaching out to European contacts. |
That's a good idea. I have a couple of ways of doing that, as well as some British cousins. And she LOVES London so would enjoy having in laws there.
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