S/o So Annoyed | Imamother

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:29 pm

Quote from the other thread:

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

Your dh has the right to parent his way. You can't micromanage his parenting just like you wouldn't want him micromanaging yours. Your son needs both your parenting skills which is why children have both a mother and a father.

I need help with this!!! My husband & I parent very differently. I am all about using a gentle tone (even with firm boundaries), talking things out, and preventing power struggles - not giving in & being scared of them, but communicating in a firm & positive way to avoid them.

My husband did not have a great marriage example in his parents (they argue & bicker constantly & are very dysfunctional in a number of ways). His style of parenting is much more "do as I say because I said so and I'm the boss". There is so much tension, crying, & power struggle his way!

Im not going to lie, I get super triggered with the way he talks to our children. I try hard not to visibly show it, but my dh sees my reaction & it really upsets him. Sometimes I can't help but grimace at his tone and/ or words. He is not at all abusive, he's just more like completely tone deaf & totally clueless about basic parenting skills & developmentally appropriate expectations. He is also very anti learning about any of this stuff from me. (It comes more naturally to me & I've done a lot of research).

I am sensitive to the mood of the house & the tension really affects me. It affects all of us. What can I do?

Any & all advice welcome.

small bean

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:32 pm

Walk out of the room when he parents. Make sure he has opportunities to be a positive parent, when you are around, so you can respect that side.
Do not jump to be the parent in every situation, let him do it when he's atound, ao he geta a feel for it.
Be loving ti him and show respect in front of your kids, they will do the same and avoid issues to begin with.

#BestBubby

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:34 pm

Maybe speak to your Rov.

Maybe your Rov can get your husband to compromise and soften.

Make some clear cut rules like "No Yelling" or "No name-calling".

But you can't expect DH to parent exactly like you.

You wouldn't like it if DH demanded you parent exactly like him.

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:39 pm

small bean wrote:

I know you're right intellectually and I have backed down a lot. I don't get involved anymore when he parents & if a child comes to me, I tell them "this happened with your father, you need to discuss it with him". But sometimes when I am in the room and it happens in the moment, I really struggle to control my automatic response.

There's a part of me that just goes CRAZY on the inside when the whole situation deteriorates & the entire thing could've been avoided if it were handled differently.

amother

Taupe

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 9:39 pm

You are my clone?

Walk out of the room.

If he behaves in an abusive action for example name calling or like that, then save it. Wait for a calm time after the incident is old and explain to him why your research says its better to handle it a different way and why your dream of a home with such an atmosphere would make you very happy if he will consider the view.

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 10:05 pm

amother [ Taupe ] wrote:

I'll happily be your clone if it means I'm not alone in this. It can be so frustrating! I don't need dh to parent just like me, I just need to live in a home that doesn't feel like a constant battle ground!

The sad part of it all is that I think dh wants to do better. He's not abusive, he doesn't name call. He just does things like rile the kids up (being silly) & then get angry when they're too wild & don't calm down fast enough. Or he'll try to get them to give him a hug & if they dont want to at that exact moment, he wants to punish them. It's like (cringe) you can't punish a kid for not giving you a hug! And then expect that kid to have warm feelings toward you!

He completely disregards anything I have to say on the matter. I haven't even brought it up in months. He tells me im obsessed with tone & not every problem in life can be traced back to tone of voice.

Like I said, I don't need him to parent exactly like me, but this style just isn't working & it goes directly against all parenting advice!

amother

Tangerine

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 10:48 pm

I was probably your dh's other wife! I went through this too. It's really hard, I'm going to validate that. Things got even more difficult when everyone was home all day every day last spring and summer. One day I told him I felt like I needed some chizuk in parenting and asked him if he could learn a book or sefer on parenting together with me. I really wanted him to be open to what we were learning so I told him to choose any book he wants. He chose Rav Wolbe's sefer on chinuch and I ordered the English version. We read a few pages every day and he actually really took it to heart. It was unbelievable. Baruch Hashem I've seen a real change and I never would have imagined it was possible.

amother

Wed, Oct 28 2020, 10:54 pm

amother [ Tangerine ] wrote:

That sounds amazing! I wish my husband would be open to something like that. Unfortunately, he is very closed off on this topic. I've tried this concept & he wasn't open to it. I think I need to work more on accepting the situation as is, & realizing that I cannot change him & I cannot interfere with his parenting. It's just so hard! I wish I also could better understand why I get so triggered from it.

amother

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 8:41 pm

amother [ Amethyst ] wrote:

My husband too!

I definitely leave the room

I validate my kids and soothe them

I explain to my hisband that it's not effective instead of it's bad. This one is hard but my Rov told me that I need to stick up for my kids.

Have you found a way to do this without undermining your husband?

It's interesting to me that this was your rav's response, as it is different than a lot of the other feedback I've received. I'd love to hear more if you're willing to share.

In general I struggle with the idea of going to the rav when it's about my husband because I feel like its somehow betraying him, does that make any sense? Like he really respects & looks up to the rav & I would never want to embarrass my dh or make him feel like I made the rav think less of him.

amother

Amethyst

Thu, Oct 29 2020, 9:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So it sometimes does get my husband upset. I don't do it in front of him. Growing up my father was semi violent. My mother didn't talk to me about it. The trauma is much worse bec I felt abandoned by both parents. I'm very sensitive to children being hurt.

I try as much as I can to respect him where I can. If he's right I will always stick up for him.

It's not really his Rav, maybe find yourself a mentor.

I know a lot of ppl say to align with your spouse unless it's abuse. I think that's wrong. Eroding a child's sense of self worth over the long term is a type of abuse too.

The fallout is that my youngest will tell me "Totty is scary and screams" I wish there was a better way, but if I need to choose my kids being emotionally healthy or respecting him, I choose the former.

Most of all my kids know I'm safe, and that's a priceless gift.