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-> Parenting our children
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amother
Burgundy
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 Mon, Nov 02 2020, 8:53 am
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Yeshivish here, and no physical affection is demonstrated in front of any individuals over age two. Same with our parents/in-laws. That said, we have a very strong, loving relationship, and I am sure our kids aware of how close we are (even without seeing the physical component), due to the amount of time we choose to spend with each other and the consistently positive way we support and relate to each other.
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amother
Emerald
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 8:54 am
Yup. We've hugged, kissed, cuddled in front of the kids. I'm not talking full make out sessions, nothing over the top or anything. But I remember seeing my parents showing affection to each other and it always felt comforting to me and I was to offer that same reassurance to my kids (meanwhile dh did not see him parents being very affectionate, not towards each other nor towards him, and now he has a hard time showing affection towards the children).
No matter how hard we try to hide it, kids can hear/tell when their parents are fighting. So I think it's just as important for them to see the loving, tender moments in their relationship, too.
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amother
Navy
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 8:54 am
Chassidish and we touch a lot naturally and hug sometimes, snuggle on the couch/bed together with the kids.
Since I now have the mirena for the second time and it stops my periods there hasn’t been much niddah. So whatever the kids see is consistent.
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amother
Periwinkle
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 8:55 am
| little neshamala wrote: | Our Rav also holds any physical affection in public is not allowed, and we are careful never to do so. But inside our home, with our children, is not public.
Regarding your nida question, the same can be answered about your children. If you happened not to give your child a hug or a kiss for 12 days, but continued being affectionate in other ways, do you think they all of a sudden would think you dont love them? Of course not. So then why bother giving them any physical affection at all?
Im bothered by the suggestion that physical affection between hisband and wife must equal romance/s-xual. If it is permissable and natural to give your child a hug, why would that same type of hug not be permissable to give your husband? There is nothing untzniusdik with behaving towards your husband the way you behave towards your kids |
Obviously our rabbanim hold diff. (And my rav is yeshivish American yekke if that helps). We aren’t so yeshivish. My DH wears colored shirts and jeans and works. We aren’t sheltered or close minded. This is just what we do.
I just don’t believe it’s necessary to show affection for kids to know that their parents love each other very much. If you feel it is then great.
We are all doing what works for us.
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amother
Mustard
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 9:11 am
We do a quick good bye kiss or a peck on the cheek.
My kids are 2, 4 & 8. I grew up with my parents never even handing over things. But this is what works for us. It is natural for us and our kids. My 8yo has asd and is an extremely loving an effectionate soul. We had to teach him that kisses, hugs and expressions of love are only for poeple you really love. Like totty, mommy his siblings aunts and uncles and grandparents, good friends.....
We are chassidish satmar (kj)
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amother
Pumpkin
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 9:12 am
Chassidish here.
Simple affection, like a quick hug or kiss goodbye when he leaves or something like that, yes. Anything s-xual, definitely not.
My parents and in-laws definitely don't. But I think it's nice for kids to see. (Not that I do it for the kids.) My kids are young now, (oldest is in preschool) and they don't comment or even show that they notice, we might change what we do once that changes.
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amother
Pearl
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 9:23 am
I am chassidish so we wouldn't but I feel that the sense of security that kids feel is when parents show they care for each other, for my kids hugging kissing parents is not the norm but showing genuine love and care is- so by me this would give them the sense of security.
I think that people who have parents that genuinely care for each other are more settled.
My parents still fight and argue a lot and this was one of the things DH and me discussed when we had out first, having a nice atmosphere in the house is number 1!
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amother
Brunette
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 9:25 am
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It's funny, when I was growing up my best friend was chassidish so I spent a lot of time in her house. Her parents were definitely physically affectionate (probably when they didn't realize I was around)- a little shoulder massage, a peck on the cheek, etc. So I never thought it's a chassidish thing not to do it.
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PeanutMama
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 9:32 am
Ugh I want to but as soon as I lean over to give a kiss or a hug to my husband in front of my son my husband takes me to the bedroom and I don’t wanna hug him or kiss him anymore lol.
Major mood killer 
And I even doubt that we can even say I love you without being told ssssshhh later
And no none of these are s-xual in any way.
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shabbatiscoming
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 10:27 am
Yes we do show affection in front of our child. It is nothing sezual so there is no issue as we see it. And many times, our daughter will come in for a family hug when she sees us hugging.
Not every single touch, by husband and wife to the other, has to be sezual.
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amother
Mauve
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Mon, Nov 02 2020, 3:06 pm
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We are chilled yeshivish we do show affection, hugging, cuddling in bed or on the couch , occaisionally a peck on the lips or cheek. nothing s-xual everything else we leave for the bedroom. I believe that its important for kids to hear their parents say I love to each other and show some type of affection. my parents never showed affection to each other or verbalized that they love each other...when I got married I realized how growing up and not feeling affection and warmth in the home really affected me. therefore I try my best to be affectionate with my husband and kids since it doesnt come naturally at all for me. my inlaws are very affectionate with each other and you can feel the warmth in there home.
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amother
Magenta
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 7:28 am
I just want to say in response to anyone who said it is not tzniyus to show affection in front of the kids that it is not untzniyus. In public is untzniyus. In the home is considered private. Kids need to know that parents touch so that when they get married they will be prepared for that aspect of marriage. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to find out that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. My parents never touched in front of the children, and so I thought that only secular people touch each other. I knew about everything that couples do, but I did not know that frum people do it too. It was traumatic for me to find out when I was engaged all the details. Had I known about it before, I would not have been scared, and I would have been emotionally prepared. I feel that parents should touch for the sake of their children knowing that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. Nothing more than a hug, light touch on the shoulder, or a kiss on the cheek. Anything along these lines is enough to show the children that these things are normal for couples, religious or not. Please, do your children a favor, so they don’t have to go through what I did.
Note: I was okay by the time I got married because I prepared myself emotionally and I learned what I needed to know. I am just saying that it was shocking to find out at that point (engagement), and it was also hard because I had so many other things to think about. I felt like I wish I would have heard about it before. It would have been a lot easier for me going into marriage if I knew about these things growing up.
One more thing: I agree with anyone who says that touching is not necessary to show the kids that you love each other. The purpose of touching is not to show your children that you love each other. You can communicate that you love each other in many other ways. I knew my parents loved each other, because of the way they talked to each other, and because of what they did for each other. The reason why parents should touch in front of the children (again, nothing intense) is clearly for the reason I explained above.
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Genius
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 7:52 am
| amother [ Magenta ] wrote: | I just want to say in response to anyone who said it is not tzniyus to show affection in front of the kids that it is not untzniyus. In public is untzniyus. In the home is considered private. Kids need to know that parents touch so that when they get married they will be prepared for that aspect of marriage. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to find out that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. My parents never touched in front of the children, and so I thought that only secular people touch each other. I knew about everything that couples do, but I did not know that frum people do it too. It was traumatic for me to find out when I was engaged all the details. Had I known about it before, I would not have been scared, and I would have been emotionally prepared. I feel that parents should touch for the sake of their children knowing that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. Nothing more than a hug, light touch on the shoulder, or a kiss on the cheek. Anything along these lines is enough to show the children that these things are normal for couples, religious or not. Please, do your children a favor, so they don’t have to go through what I did.
Note: I was okay by the time I got married because I prepared myself emotionally and I learned what I needed to know. I am just saying that it was shocking to find out at that point (engagement), and it was also hard because I had so many other things to think about. I felt like I wish I would have heard about it before. It would have been a lot easier for me going into marriage if I knew about these things growing up.
One more thing: I agree with anyone who says that touching is not necessary to show the kids that you love each other. The purpose of touching is not to show your children that you love each other. You can communicate that you love each other in many other ways. I knew my parents loved each other, because of the way they talked to each other, and because of what they did for each other. The reason why parents should touch in front of the children (again, nothing intense) is clearly for the reason I explained above. |
How did you rationalize the fact that Frum people have kids?
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amother
Scarlet
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:10 am
| Genius wrote: | | How did you rationalize the fact that Frum people have kids? |
I’m the same as magenta. I didn’t know how babies were made until 9th grade bio, and even then I thought it was a medical procedure done by the dr.
I’m jpf, litvish, regular Flatbush btw.
My parents never said “I love you” in front of us, so the first time my husband said it I was shocked into silence.
When I went to his house for a Shabbos meal when we were engaged, his parents were casually touching, and so were his siblings and their spouses. And I had to look away. I was thinking “omg what kind of family am I marrying into?!”
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Genius
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:15 am
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | I’m the same as magenta. I didn’t know how babies were made until 9th grade bio, and even then I thought it was a medical procedure done by the dr.
I’m jpf, litvish, regular Flatbush btw.
My parents never said “I love you” in front of us, so the first time my husband said it I was shocked into silence. |
Hear you.
My question is if being surprised about it ( shocked into silence) is necessarily a bad thing. Is it generally traumatizing?
I’m suggesting that it can be surprising in a good way.
My parents never showed affection in front of us and I’m personally not traumatized that my husband loves me and shows it.
I think that showing physical affection to your kids prepares them for marriage more than showing physical affection to your spouse does.
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amother
Scarlet
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:18 am
| Genius wrote: | Hear you.
My question is if being surprised about it ( shocked into silence) is necessarily a bad thing. Is it generally traumatizing?
I’m suggesting that it can be surprising in a good way.
My parents never showed affection in front of us and I’m personally not traumatized that my husband loves me and shows it.
I think that showing physical affection to your kids prepares them for marriage more than showing physical affection to your spouse does. |
No I can’t say I was traumatized, just very very uncomfortable. It took a few months into marriage to be comfortable touching him and saying “I love you”.
At this point, it’s hard for us to remember to NOT touch each other when we are at my parents 
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amother
Aqua
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:32 am
| amother [ Magenta ] wrote: | I just want to say in response to anyone who said it is not tzniyus to show affection in front of the kids that it is not untzniyus. In public is untzniyus. In the home is considered private. Kids need to know that parents touch so that when they get married they will be prepared for that aspect of marriage. I can’t tell you how shocked I was to find out that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. My parents never touched in front of the children, and so I thought that only secular people touch each other. I knew about everything that couples do, but I did not know that frum people do it too. It was traumatic for me to find out when I was engaged all the details. Had I known about it before, I would not have been scared, and I would have been emotionally prepared. I feel that parents should touch for the sake of their children knowing that frum people have a physical aspect to their relationship. Nothing more than a hug, light touch on the shoulder, or a kiss on the cheek. Anything along these lines is enough to show the children that these things are normal for couples, religious or not. Please, do your children a favor, so they don’t have to go through what I did.
Note: I was okay by the time I got married because I prepared myself emotionally and I learned what I needed to know. I am just saying that it was shocking to find out at that point (engagement), and it was also hard because I had so many other things to think about. I felt like I wish I would have heard about it before. It would have been a lot easier for me going into marriage if I knew about these things growing up.
One more thing: I agree with anyone who says that touching is not necessary to show the kids that you love each other. The purpose of touching is not to show your children that you love each other. You can communicate that you love each other in many other ways. I knew my parents loved each other, because of the way they talked to each other, and because of what they did for each other. The reason why parents should touch in front of the children (again, nothing intense) is clearly for the reason I explained above. |
I also had a very similar experience of being unprepared never having seen it before. Yes I was traumatized. Yes I did therapy for it. Almost 4 years married and we still are far from a smooth physical relationship.
It's sad and painful for both my husband and I.
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LovesHashem
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:36 am
| amother [ Scarlet ] wrote: | I’m the same as magenta. I didn’t know how babies were made until 9th grade bio, and even then I thought it was a medical procedure done by the dr.
I’m jpf, litvish, regular Flatbush btw.
My parents never said “I love you” in front of us, so the first time my husband said it I was shocked into silence.
When I went to his house for a Shabbos meal when we were engaged, his parents were casually touching, and so were his siblings and their spouses. And I had to look away. I was thinking “omg what kind of family am I marrying into?!” |
I don't understand. In litvish communities there's a mix of people - you never saw any couples holding hands or putting their arm around each other?
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amother
Babypink
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:39 am
DH and I both BT and we’re taught it’s not appropriate at all, but if you’re not going to show affection, you must be equally careful not to show the opposite (fighting, arguing). So this is how things began in our home.
Without giving too much detail... bad thing happened in our marriage and the no fighting at some point flew right out the window. My kids saw and heard lots of negativity. So once things resolved, we both felt that it was important at that point that we do show some affection. Our kids needed it to feel safe.
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amother
Scarlet
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Sun, Nov 08 2020, 8:40 am
| LovesHashem wrote: | | I don't understand. In litvish communities there's a mix of people - you never saw any couples holding hands or putting their arm around each other? |
No I never saw it or noticed it with people I knew. I only have a few aunts and uncles, and we didn’t spend so much time with them. I saw it with one set of grandparents, but everything they do is wrong anyway according to my parents. When I did see it, they were usually strangers, and my parents made sure to snicker about them and make fun “oh look she can’t cross the street by herself hahahaha”
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