Do you show affection in front of your kids? | Imamother

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Do you show affection in front of your kids?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mint

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 11:44 am

Parents touches plenty when I was growing up. Nothing inappropriate, but definite physical affection. They also fought at night when I was in bed. So it didn't really help me. Other couples I knew didn't touch at all. I was in their house a lot, and their dd who was my best friend, said she never saw it, and it was weird to think about it happening when she wasn't there but she knew it did. Her parents are much more my role models in my marriage than mine.

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amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 12:33 pm

LovesHashem wrote:
I don't understand. In litvish communities there's a mix of people - you never saw any couples holding hands or putting their arm around each other?

I saw not frum people doing those things, but I never saw anyone frum doing anything like that.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 12:43 pm

Chassidish and never saw this in my circles from anyone
My baby is 1 and half. If I hug/kiss he looks and laughs as if he chaps something I think were going to have to stop it

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amother

Blue

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 12:44 pm

My father is a rav and my parents hugged in front of us. Nothing zexual just a quick hug maybe kiss on the cheek. I think it’s healthy to normalize affectionate touch between spouses. Dh and I hug/kiss in front of kids, just nothing zexual. My In laws do not touch at all in front of their kids.

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amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 12:50 pm

Genius wrote:

Hear you.
My question is if being surprised about it ( shocked into silence) is necessarily a bad thing. Is it generally traumatizing?
I’m suggesting that it can be surprising in a good way.
My parents never showed affection in front of us and I’m personally not traumatized that my husband loves me and shows it.
I think that showing physical affection to your kids prepares them for marriage more than showing physical affection to your spouse does.

For me it was traumatizing. I was upset that no one told me about it earlier. I would have much rather had a smoother engagement than to sort out all my feelings about it when I had so many other things to think about and prepare myself for. I feel that it was not right that this was hidden from me. Parents do not protect their kids by hiding information from them. They harm them by making them find out about it later by other sources that may not be understanding. It took me time to get comfortable with this aspect of marriage. It wasn’t the way I wanted to get used to the concept. I would have much rather learned in a gentle, natural way. I felt like it was forced on me, like I better get comfortable, or I wouldn’t be able to get married. Now I’m okay, but I was traumatized during my engagement while I got used to the concept and learned to get comfortable with it.

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amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 1:02 pm

amother [ Aqua ] wrote:

I also had a very similar experience of being unprepared never having seen it before. Yes I was traumatized. Yes I did therapy for it. Almost 4 years married and we still are far from a smooth physical relationship.
It's sad and painful for both my husband and I.

That’s so sad. At least you are seeing progress. I think there’s hope. Seeing how far you have come shows that there is hope for you to one day get to where you want to be. I have definitely seen improvement for myself in this area. I am happy to say that I am now comfortable with it and enjoy it. I’m saying this to give you hope that if I could be as traumatized as I was and be in a much better place now than so can you. I hope that one day you will find the pleasure in it and be able to enjoy it.

amother

Pewter

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 1:07 pm

Both of us were totally unprepared and didnt know about it before marriage but we werent traumatized just took us time to get used to it because we really did enjoy and want it

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amother

Magenta

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 1:12 pm

Genius wrote:

How did you rationalize the fact that Frum people have kids?

I didn’t understand how tzniyus fit into the concept of marriage. I figured there must be a way that it’s done because I’m here. I don’t remember exactly what I thought, but I think I thought that they only are together when they are ready to have a child, and even then that they wear clothes to be tzniyus, and only touch what is necessary. I didn’t think so much about the details and about what it would mean for me.

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amother

Sapphire

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 1:37 pm

amother [ Mistyrose ] wrote:

When my husband and I hug, the kids all pile in for a hug too. They even shout family hug as they do it.

Same!!!
My husband and I both grew up without seeing affection between our respective parents. It was damaging for both of us in our own ways, so we decided together that our children should see us differently. We will give a hug, lean on each other on the couch, a quick kiss, etc.

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amother

Aubergine

Sun, Nov 08 2020, 3:45 pm

My husband and I both grew up in yeshivish homes.

I did see my parents being physically affectionate-nothing zxual, just frequent hugs, light kisses etc.
It was a natural thing that we absorbed.

My DH didnt see any physical affection whatsoever. They never fought, were polite and friendly but that was it. And it did affect him. He grew up thinking they didnt really "love" each other, just that they were more like friendly roommates. He was negatively affected by this, and was determined to show his own children normal physical affection, which we do

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Zeleze

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 5:30 am

Not really if the kids are around.

I also hate it when I see another couple doing so, even when it's outside and non Jewish, I just can't look really, but I do think it gives me some jealousy deep down

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amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 7:28 am

dc9 told me if we don't want any more babies right now we can just not snuggle and then we won't have a baby because the cells don't fly in the air to get into my body, you have to snuggle "legs to legs and tummy to tummy" for them to make a baby Laugh

Laugh

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dancingqueen

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 9:27 am

amother [ Orchid ] wrote:

I did grow up with showing physical affection - but the type of physical affection you show to your children, hugs, cuddles, kiss on the cheek, massages....
I do think overtly s-xual touch is inappropriate and not tznuis- like a FF said nothinh that would make your preteen go "eeeww". I have seen couples who have very s-xual PDA's in public and I think that is a complete lack of tznuis, and damaging to kids. I have a friend who spent years in therapy because she was so traumatized by her parents having s-x while she was in the room. Obviously "f0replay" or very s-xual PDA isn't as bad but it is a lack of tznuis and kids don't want to see thier parents like that...

Exactly. It’s showing affection, not s-xual attraction in front of kids. Your friends parents are abusive if they were having relations in front of her when she was old enough to understand.

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shabbatiscoming

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 10:06 am

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

LovesHashem wrote:
I don't understand. In litvish communities there's a mix of people - you never saw any couples holding hands or putting their arm around each other?

I saw not frum people doing those things, but I never saw anyone frum doing anything like that.

Then you never saw it, but that doesnt mean it doesnt happen.

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amother

Yellow

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 10:13 am

amother [ Burgundy ] wrote:

Yeshivish here, and no physical affection is demonstrated in front of any individuals over age two. Same with our parents/in-laws. That said, we have a very strong, loving relationship, and I am sure our kids aware of how close we are (even without seeing the physical component), due to the amount of time we choose to spend with each other and the consistently positive way we support and relate to each other.

Delete

shabbatiscoming

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 10:15 am

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

Delete

she wrote no affection INFRONT OF anyone over two.

SuperWify

Mon, Nov 09 2020, 10:20 am

It’s not so hard to understand.

Abuse- having s.ex in front of children old enough to understand. I know some adults scarred until today.

Not healthy- never showing any physical touch, kind words or any sense of a loving relationship (does lot have to be touch to show it) to your children.

Every couple needs to find a healthy balance. Some might not be ok with touching dh in public and that’s fine, but make sure to demonstrate love and care in other ways. My parents never touch but my father called my mother “dear” and that’s how I literally knew they were ok.

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