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Affording cleaning help

 
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polished




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 3:33 pm
Hi all,

I am surviving at the moment. I do not have a minute of down time.
Between a 4 month old baby. Hyperactive 2 year old. I work in the morning and evening, Sunday to Thursday from home.

My mother who lives far away came to visit me amd she tells me I need cleaning help. I almost cried, I know I do!

I had said something to my husband (who does definitely do his fair share in the house). He says we just can’t afford it.
I feel like he just doesn’t get how much I need it!
If he realised he would work something out.

I do not want to confront him about it: Bec I feel it will make him feel bad bec he isn’t pleased by our financial situation and feels a bit helpless
And I do not like asking for things and being spoiled.

And advice or just empathy please
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 3:43 pm
Do you need cleaning help, or did your mom plant that idea in your head?
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amother




Pumpkin
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 3:53 pm
If you truly can’t afford it (I can’t either) then can you try To lower or reframe your expectations?
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amother




Lilac
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 4:14 pm
I take 4 hours a week and I feel that it really keeps me going for the week. Explain to DH that this is a must for you at this point and work out your budget to allow the $50-$60 a week for cleaning help.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 4:28 pm
amother [ Lilac ] wrote:
I take 4 hours a week and I feel that it really keeps me going for the week. Explain to DH that this is a must for you at this point and work out your budget to allow the $50-$60 a week for cleaning help.


I did that when I was pregnant, and told the lady that I can only do it while pregnant because it's a must, but once I'm after the baby I can only do every second week. So far she's still showing up, but I think once she finds a weekly job she won't, which I guess will have to be fine with me.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 5:15 pm
Can your mom pay for it?
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 5:18 pm
Your sanity is worth spending on. If that means cheaper dinners, longer time without vacation, less new clothes, whatever it is, it's worth it. It doesn't have to be a lot, I usually do 2 hours a week while pregnant and then get on occasion when I need for 4 hours at a time. Don't be stingy where it matters
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amother




Orchid
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 5:35 pm
tichellady wrote:
Can your mom pay for it?


I did say to her. I don’t have the money which as big a hint I could give.

Not complaining my parents are as generous as they can. She had just taken me shopping for much needed winter clothes
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polished




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 5:37 pm
Success10 wrote:
Do you need cleaning help, or did your mom plant that idea in your head?


I had been thinking about it for some time.
My mom saying it definitely made it hit home and maybe make me feel more entitled to it. And therefore more upset that I don’t have it.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 5:40 pm
polished wrote:
Hi all,

I am surviving at the moment. I do not have a minute of down time.
Between a 4 month old baby. Hyperactive 2 year old. I work in the morning and evening, Sunday to Thursday from home.

My mother who lives far away came to visit me amd she tells me I need cleaning help. I almost cried, I know I do!

I had said something to my husband (who does definitely do his fair share in the house). He says we just can’t afford it.
I feel like he just doesn’t get how much I need it!
If he realised he would work something out.

I do not want to confront him about it: Bec I feel it will make him feel bad bec he isn’t pleased by our financial situation and feels a bit helpless
And I do not like asking for things and being spoiled.

And advice or just empathy please


Can you go over your budget with DH to see if you can afford it if you cut back in some other area?
Not "he says we can't afford it"
You should both budget together.
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amother




Aqua
 

Post  Wed, Nov 04 2020, 6:39 pm
polished wrote:
I had been thinking about it for some time.
My mom saying it definitely made it hit home and maybe make me feel more entitled to it. And therefore more upset that I don’t have it.

.I think entitled is the wrong word.
But your an adult, and you should be making this decision together with him.
Review the budget and see if you have room for it.

(I say this as someone who's husband was Not on board and my therapist helped me frame it as a must and something that needs to find a way in our budget. I cut back on other things.. Jokes on me its a year and a half later I still don't have one because the logistics are too much for me...)
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polished




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 1:01 pm
Just an update.
We found a way to manage getting a high school girl to come twice a week to help me with the kids in the afternoon.
This will let me lie down for a bit in the afternoon. And get those extra jobs done that I never have time to do.

Thank you for hearing me out
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Success10




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 1:04 pm
polished wrote:
Just an update.
We found a way to manage getting a high school girl to come twice a week to help me with the kids in the afternoon.
This will let me lie down for a bit in the afternoon. And get those extra jobs done that I never have time to do.

Thank you for hearing me out


I'm so happy to hear. Sorry I was not so supportive the beginning of the thread. Just sometimes we become convinced we need something when we really would be ok without it. Sounds like you really have your hands full, though, and I'm glad you found a solution that fits your budget.


Last edited by Success10 on Sat, Nov 07 2020, 1:59 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Plum
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 1:18 pm
I'm glad you found a solution to this problem. There still remains the issue of you not knowing what your budget is. That needs to be resolved for future issues.
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amother




cornflower
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 4:56 pm
OP I know exactly how you feel. I'm happy to hear that you found some kind of solution, though you may feel in a few week's time that it's not enough. That does NOT make you feel entitled! From personal experience I can tell you that davenning is a great form of hishtadlus. Hashem can make money appear from unexpected sources! If I were you I would try to talk to my husband about this, and say that if some extra funds came by it should be earmarked for this purpose. Hatzlacha!
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ora_43




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 5:10 pm
Definitely not entitled.

I'm glad you found a solution for now.

If this comes up again, I would try explaining to your dh that for many parents with young kids this is basically a work expense. In the long run it pays for itself, by giving you a little extra time and energy to invest in yourself and in your career. Or just giving you the energy to keep working the hours you currently work without burnout - not a small thing with two very young kids!

(And don't be too quick to assume that you wouldn't use (/don't need) more time for your career. JME, but sometimes it's amazing how much you can get done with just a couple hours a month for focusing on career development. And on the flip side, it's all too easy to get stuck in a dead-end job if you don't have the time or energy to look at the big picture.)
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 7:09 pm
I'm here with complete empathy:/:/

I'm pregnant with my third child, I work full day, my husband is super busy studying with crazy exams and I have a weekly cry every thursday when I feel like I just cant anymore!

My mother in law has a cleaner with spare hours and everytime she comes round she says 'you really should use my cleaning lady, shes amazing and works wonders.' Well thank you for making me uncomfortable everytime you say this but we are barely making it through each month so no.
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ddmom




 
 
 
 

Post  Sat, Nov 07 2020, 9:24 pm
amother [ Cobalt ] wrote:
I'm here with complete empathy:/:/

I'm pregnant with my third child, I work full day, my husband is super busy studying with crazy exams and I have a weekly cry every thursday when I feel like I just cant anymore!

My mother in law has a cleaner with spare hours and everytime she comes round she says 'you really should use my cleaning lady, shes amazing and works wonders.' Well thank you for making me uncomfortable everytime you say this but we are barely making it through each month so no.

Why don't you answer her?
"Oh if you're willing to sponsor her, I would love to have her, unfortunately I cant afford it on my own!"
She will stop commenting after that!! Wink
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