Creating a narcissist

behappy2

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 12:17 pm

Zehava wrote:

Either extreme I think
Narcissism is essentially an extreme form of a trauma response. A child who feels unsafe and not in control of his environment (which can result from either extreme) might grow into an adult who uses the fight response as a coping mechanism. They will try to control others and rage at them as a way to feel safe and in control. When a person is in a constant state of survival they are incapable of empathy.
Many times the golden child in a dysfunctional family ends up growing into a narcissist.
That means the child who watched their sibling/siblings or even their other parent being hurt and learnt that in order to survive they need to be the ones in power.

Is it that they are in too much pain to have empathy or that empathy is only a tool for them?

amother

Brunette

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:55 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Is it that they are in too much pain to have empathy or that empathy is only a tool for them?

Too much pain to perhaps develop empathy. When they become adults they totally lack it.

But only some of them put up an act as if they do have empathy with a goal to win something to their advantage or to win a person in some way. Like if they are looking to get married etc.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:58 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Is it that they are in too much pain to have empathy or that empathy is only a tool for them?

They are in survival mode. When someone is in survival mode fighting for their life there is no place for empathy in their mind. This is also why children who are in scary traumatic situations can’t learn. The brain literally works differently, it’s completely focused on survival.

mirror

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 5:40 pm

If you want to raise a Narcissist, follow these easy steps:

1. Never tell your child not to touch anything that doesn't belong to him/her.

2. Always defend any problematic behavior such as hitting and teasing. Until age 8 or 9, use the excuse "He/she is just a child. He doesn't know any better."

3. Talk badly about every teacher who complains about your child.

4. Blame every counselor/teacher/principal for your child's behavior.
Say "Well, he/she listens to me so you're not doing your job right."

5. When your child is in his/her teens and likes to make fun of others, make a point of blaming the victim in every case.

a. She doesn't act normal.
b. He's asking for it.
c. What do you expect?
d. She needs to learn to to stand up for herself.

From what I've seen, this works every time. Guaranteed!!!

behappy2

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 5:45 pm

mirror wrote:

If you want to raise a Narcissist, follow these easy steps:

1. Never tell your child not to touch anything that doesn't belong to him/her.

2. Always defend your child's behavior. Until age 8, use the excuse "He/she is just a child. He doesn't know any better."

3. Talk badly about every teacher who complains about your child.

4. Blame every counselor/teacher/principal for your child's behavior.
Say "Well, he/she listens to me so you're not doing your job right."

5. When your child is in his/her teens and likes to make fun of others, make a point of blaming the victim in every case.

a. She doesn't act normal.
b. He's asking for it.
c. What do you expect?
d. She needs to learn to to stand up for herself.

From what I've seen, this works every time. Guaranteed!!!

This resonates. Do you really have experience? Actually just recently a child I know committed an offense in front of witnesses (punishable by law) and the parent believed their child who denied having done it. Afraid to watch that trainwreck...

mirror

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 5:56 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I have seen it with a former neighbor of mine. No girl wants that boy.

wantavaca

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:04 pm

I highly recommend listening to Melanie tonia Evans.She gets it on a very deep level. And it is complicated.

Basically the narcissist went through trauma as a child, and as per their predisposition, they handled it by divorcing from their true self and creating a false self made of their ego.

The problem with the ego is that it is very fragile and needs constant supply and will do anything to keep itself in existence so the person doesn’t feel completely annihilated.

Hence, no one else matters, everything is done with the intention of supplying the ego- including being “kind” to others.
If the supply is not there in the form of adoration, respect, compliments, attention, relations- on a constant basis, they have no real self to connect with so they feel like they don’t exist and panic mode sets in and then of course they will do anything to supply the ego with more...
threatening to leave, physical abuse... nothing can be put past them.

This is frightening and traumatic to live with. Especially since the victim is usually in a heavy state of denial and confusion.

People speak of people with npd as maliciously intending to hurt others but I really don’t see it this way. I don’t see them as people with free will to make choices, but as handicapped wounded damaged souls who are doing what they know how to survive. This was my experience with them at least.

Hashem please eradicate this awful sickness form the world and let’s us all live in peace.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:13 pm

mirror wrote:

Seems like the stereotypical golden child

amother

Brunette

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:22 pm

Zehava wrote:

Seems like the stereotypical golden child

Yes, so the golden child of narcissistic parent. Meaning, the words they use reflects on the sickness of the parent (likely abusive too but definitely terrible disfunction) so of course the child ends up being a narcissist.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:28 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Yes many times one or both parents are narcissists so the children learn by example and seek to be like the one they perceive as the “strong” one in the relationship. There could also be bpd, sociopathy, addiction, and other disorders involved.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:31 pm

Zehava wrote:

Wow, you completely get it. DC is experiencing exactly this now. Literally every word you wrote. I'm trying so hard to teach empathy but dc is the golden child and needs to feel strong as you explained in another post, and associates empathy with the opposite of strong so it's nearly impossible to teach cause dc rejects having even a slight bit of empathy. Poor kid. I have yet to find a way to help DC.

#BestBubby

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:33 pm

mirror wrote:

In other words, modern parenting, always excusing your child, advocating for your child.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:40 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Is he in therapy? Other than that probably all you can do is model empathy in your interactions, share your own emotions and how you express them in a healthy way without falling apart. Be a safe stable presence in his life. Being the golden child is a precarious confusing position for a kid. They see others being treated horribly by the same parent and aren’t sure when their luck will run out. As an adult this turns into narcissistic supply. Narcissists biggest fear is abandonment and they will lash out at any perceived rejection. He needs to experience unconditional love from you without empty inflated platitudes or special treatment.

amother

Brunette

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 7:09 pm

Zehava wrote:

Thanks for your advice. DC is in therapy but I guess there is only so much a therapist can do because this child identifies with the narcissist and sees me as the week one because I'm always on the defense and always trying to react to the narc's attacks etc.

I know and believe I have conveyed effectively that I love dc no matter what. And I am pretty sure he feels I'm a stable presence in his life. I model empathy but he sees me as weak for having empathy.

This is new to me and thanks for pointing this out: "sharing my own emotion and how I express them in a healthy way". Thanks for this. DC takke doesn't face his emotions (to an extreme). I should also focus more on the bolded.

Thanks again! I'm so happy I got some wise tips. Hashem should repay for sharing your wisdom.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 7:11 pm

wantavaca wrote:

This Is my experience also.
Not the golden child, Sorry Mirror... I think that makes a brat of a child, but a narc is from trauma and dysfunction.

Zehava

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 7:34 pm

amother [ Brunette ] wrote:

Maybe think how you can work on the part where you’re always on the defense. It doesn’t have to be this way. Are you in therapy yourself? If not maybe it would be a good idea so you can gain a backbone and come from a place of healthy strength.