What helps u not resent ur kid?

thegiver

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:21 pm

When they fight a lot or don't listen to things I say or when the mess keeps on coming back...it's constant and they leave a trail wherever they go of toys things dumped on ground clothing etc. the way I grew up my mom used to put us in front of the TV and clean and clean nonstop. Don't agree with her methods and we don't use technology for our children. But I WANT A CLEAN HOUSE (there are no cleaning ladies available atm--u better believe it tons of ppl in community seeking cleaning help not sure why there's a shortage)

I love them deep down but it's covered by a layer of annoyance and resentment

What helps u adore them even when ...you don't get your way most of the time. Smile

Lizzie4

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:35 pm

Don't bother cleaning up when they are awake or around. It just breeds resentment and annoyance (As you said). It's like brushing your teeth while eating oreos or shoveling snow while it's still snowing. Clean up when they are in school, and then again when they're sleeping. Accept that you will get absolutely nothing done when they are home and around, but keep to some house rules - I.e. - 2 toys out at once, clothes go into the hamper. Become a minimalist and don't keep more clutter, toys, projects, clothing than absolutely necessary.

amother

Periwinkle

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:45 pm

I dont have advice. I just want to say that I love following your parenting threads. I find them so validating. You are so authentic about the struggles of parenting, and are trying so hard to be an amazing mom.

All I can say is following.... thanks for posting!

To the pp who said don't do it when they are around - yes, that is super helpful, but then I find myself exhausted, bec. If I clean when they sleep.. when do I sleep?? ( I think I need some organizational help...)

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 2:48 pm

thegiver wrote:

Unconditional love and understanding they’re kids

amother

Firebrick

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 3:47 pm

We have a token economy. Picking up an entire room is one of the "target behaviors" that our kids can earn tokens for. Tokens can be redeemed for various things.

Before we had the token economy, we would get them to pick up by placing the cleanup activity as a hurdle right before some activity that they did want to do, such as going somewhere fun or watching a video.

amother

Azure

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 6:49 pm

This might just sound like semantics, but....

Resentment sounds so dark and bitter. And something focused on the kids. I resent them.

Think exasperated, frustrated, annoyed and assign those feelings to yourself...

I am exasperated, I am frustrated, I am annoyed.

This might seem so trivial a thing but it helps me to feel that they are just acting like completely normal kids and my expectations not being met are all about me.

behappy2

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 7:13 pm

thegiver wrote:

[Pls which approach??

Sora Chana Radcliffes book. I think it's called balanced parenting (not the other one) other books were helpful too but this one has a very balanced all around approach.

Other books are playful parenting
Attachment focused parenting
I think the explosive child.

I had also taken Dina Friedman's course

I actually want to reread her book now. I need a confidence boost to train my youngest. I've been letting her run the house.

thegiver

Sun, Nov 15 2020, 11:07 pm

Just what I needed to hear!! Thank you!!

amother [ Azure ] wrote:

Tzutzie

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:07 am

Cleaning help.
Sleep.
Cleaning help.
Me time.
Cleaning help.
Cleaning help.
Cleaning help.

Sorry I don't have any other fancy ideas.
This is what works for me. It has made a 🌎 of a difference.
GL finding one! Don't stop looking and asking hashem to send you a nice good woman and a good cleaner.

amother

Papaya

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 1:28 am

Here are some phrases I have always repeated in my mind:

"I have infinite patience."

"The kids always get a clean slate and another chance."

"They're being normal kids."

"My job is to teach them and immediately forgive."

"Nothing is more important than my relationship with my child. Everything else is just something that will pass."

"I'm the adult here."

"This is what I signed up for when I became a mother."

"This is distressing, but not dangerous." (That one is from Miriam Adahan."

"They are counting on me to be calm."

Maybe some of these will help you.

amother

Babyblue

Fri, Nov 20 2020, 4:15 am

House rules are a good idea. I worked in a daycare and Gans and we never cleaned up after the kids.

Even 1.5 year Olds clean up the toys. Its very simple.

We say "Who wants to go outside? Or to the gymboree room? Or play in the pretend section? Oh no we can't go when the floor is a mess. We need to pick up the toys first! If you want to go x...."

If we had a small group I didn't dump out an entire box of magnatiles. I did half the box. And I held the box during clean up so no one decided to spill it all out again.

Rules like 2 toys at a day, can't go to the park until the toys are cleaned, food is only by the table, etc.

jerusalem90

Fri, Nov 20 2020, 7:58 am

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

I like these a lot. I wish I could save this post.

Aylat

Fri, Nov 20 2020, 8:14 am

We made a chore rotation. We have 5 kids old enough to do chores and chose 5 basic upkeep things that need to be done everyday (and that they mainly cause the mess of). Dishwasher, kitchen table, tidy floor (kitchen-lounge), sweep floor (ditto), empty bins and recycling. Each kid does one job for a week and then they move on to the next one.

This was what helped me stop resenting them. Because the house was reset every evening and I felt calmer. Also that meant less complaints from them eg why are there no clean plates, why can't I find my X??! And when I see them making the mess during the day - leaving their plates on the table instead of bringing them to the sink, wandering around eating a snack and dropping crumbs on the floor - I'm not seething inside at the work they're causing me, because it's their job to clear it up that evening.

We've been keeping up this system for a year now and it works pretty well. We introduced it with a bunch of rewards - when you've all done your jobs this evening we'll play a family board game, since you've been doing your jobs a whole week we'll have pizza and a film. We don’t do that any more, but we do have to nag to a greater or lesser extent. If they don't do their job they can't get computer time next day til it's done, so they normally catch up.