Positive parenting- real life scenarios

Zehava

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:45 pm

flowerpower wrote:

Glad it worked out.

So what is the point of saying yes to everything??? What happens when you tell the kid “not now, but we can try doing it tomorrow” or “ I think 2 bowls of cereal is enough”. Will he have a tantrum because he is always told yes?

Set the boundary and welcome all emotions

flowerpower

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:46 pm

Zehava wrote:

The other day my toddler woke up cranky after falling asleep when coming home. He stood by the wall screaming and crying. I sat down next to him, looked him in the eye, showing him that I’m there. Dh tried to offer him candy but he wouldn’t take it. After screaming for a good 5-10 minutes he said “mommy I’m not crying anymore”. He took the candy and went on to play happily.

What would a typical mom that doesn’t do the gentle approach do? Hit the kid with a belt? I’m curious.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:52 pm

At the shabbos meal I accidentaly gave my 4 year olds cup of grape juice to the 2 year old. The 4 year old threw a tantrum and my mother brought him another cup which he was about to throw. My mother said your not going to throw a cup... the situation escalated....
I removed him from the dining room, and validated his feelings... Your upset that I accidentally gave your cup to the baby. Your feeling very angry.... I sat with him in another room till he calmed down... I gave him a toy to play with and when he was calm, we spoke about not throwing things when we're angry. Then he happily returned to the shabbos meal.
I just finished Blimi Hellers course on gentle parenting, so this was all very new to me at the time.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:53 pm

amother [ Olive ] wrote:

Ok so what would talking them through it be considered? Practicing whatever calm down methods you agreed on and putting things into perspective. Not just letting them tantrum.

As long as it's done in an empathic way, positively, and reinforces your connection, that would also be considered positive parenting.

There is more than one way to go about this. I'm sharing my way, what felt right for my child at that moment. I felt she needed to let it out, not to calm down right away. She was not willing or ready to accept a different perspective at that point. Which is fine. My job is not to tell her what to feel or when to stop feeling. I'm there to hold her hand, offer support and encouragement and to help her learn about herself.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 9:59 pm

Also before taking her Blimi Hellers course I would take my son to the doctors office before preparing him emotionally. I know he hates going to the Dr. and it was easier to go without telling him where were going, then dealing with a tantrum, and then at the office he would be screaming...
I told him a day before that tomorrow we are going to the Dr. He started crying I don't want to go. And I validated with him, I know you don't want to go... Why don't you want to go... He's scared of the needles... I explained why needles are important... What it prevents... It only hurts for one minute... He cried, I empathized with him... After he processed all his emotions he calmed down. The next day before we went he said he is ready to go. I told him its OK if he's scared, I am here with him... He went like a champ and did not even cry!

amother

Jade

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:01 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

At what point would you try to start teaching her how to regulate her emotions?

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:05 pm

flowerpower wrote:

I say yes as much as possible and then some more because it creates good feelings in children to be told yes.

A no doesn't create a tantrum. It usually depends on how tired or high strung the child is that day. My daughter doesn't tantrum often.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:07 pm

I’m wondering what you all do when you’re busy with something that you can’t pause in order to physically be with your child and walk them through their emotions. How do you handle tantrums/fights then?

amother

Seashell

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:08 pm

Positive/gentle parenting also made me realize that a lot of boundaries I set were not there for the good of the child. They were there for my own comfort, or because I was lazy.... And I learned to say yes a lot more often, And to actually set real boundaries on things that are important, things that I used to allow one day, and not allow another day depending on my mood.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:09 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I try to involve the kids in what I'm doing. Say I'm cooking supper and my kids are fighting, I ask them if they want to help me make dinner, It usually stops the fighting.

amother

Mauve

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:17 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

I try to involve the kids in what I'm doing. Say I'm cooking supper and my kids are fighting, I ask them if they want to help me make dinner, It usually stops the fighting.

I wish they would hear me over their noise Can't Believe It

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:17 pm

amother [ Jade ] wrote:

At what point would you try to start teaching her how to regulate her emotions?

Firstly, she regulates them every day all day in school. So if she's extra kvetchy or wild once she comes home, it's perfectly understandable. She's extremely sociable and popular and if you know that age, what the social scene looks like, you can understand how much she has to process during the day. She loves it, but keeping track of who said what about which headband/earrings/snack was the best and who wants a playdate with who for which reason,... it's exhausting.

Secondly, the more she understands her feelings, the more maturely she will be able to communicate them. And sometimes she does. Practice makes perfect. I think she's doing pretty well all in all for someone who's been alive for a short 6 years kah.

Someone who is not taught to identify and express emotions in a supportive way, will learn to stuff them down. And then you see an adult having a tantrum and it's not pretty.

sky

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:24 pm

Help me with your advise!
My 4 yr old brough home stickers from school. My 2 yr old wanted them and tried kicking and biting sister.
4 yr old put them away for later.
I offered 2 yr old diff stickers he likes. He still wanted to bite sister.
I made both hot cocoa and cookies and say with them at table. he still wanted to bite sister.
I read him his favorite books by ourselves. He still wanted to bite sister.
I told him I’m so sorry I know you want this stickers. He still wanted to bite sister.
1 hr later after kicking crying and screaming and multiple biting attempts I put him in his crib for 15 seconds.
After he came out he happily drank his hot cocoa (now cold) asked me to read him the books and then played happily with his stickers. And didn’t try to bite or hit his poor sister.
I regret not putting him in his crib earlier. 4 yr old dd lost 1 hr of her afternoon. And 2 yr old was miserable that entire time.

Any advice how you’d handle it?

Last edited by sky on Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:28 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:27 pm

Zehava wrote:

Years ago I would ignore

Same!
I was brought up with ignoring tantrums in order to stop them. That they are attention-seeking. That we dont give attention to attention-seeking children.

How sad. When a child needs attention, we must fill him up.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:30 pm

sky wrote:

“Sheifala, you are so sad because you want her stickers, but I will not let biting. She worked hard for those stickers, and they are hers. You can have different ones, if you’d like, or maybe some hot cocoa. But no biting.”

amother

Mint

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:33 pm

amother [ Seashell ] wrote:

Yes yes yes. I find myself forming boundaries that actually make more sense and keep the house running smoother and keep me happier. So many little things that I stop and think "What boundary am I upholding? Why is it important?" It's been so helpful to have that thought instead of saying "No" "Because I said no"