Positive parenting- real life scenarios

sky

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:34 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

“Sheifala, you are so sad because you want her stickers, but I will not let biting. She worked hard for those stickers, and they are hers. You can have different ones, if you’d like, or maybe some hot cocoa. But no biting.”

Right but he just kept going at it. For an hour. With my undivided attention and lots of options. Then what.
And dd ended up losing out all that time and she told me so.

Last edited by sky on Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:35 pm; edited 1 time in total

Zehava

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:34 pm

sky wrote:

Help me with your advise!
My 4 yr old brough home stickers from school. My 2 yr old wanted them and tried kicking and biting sister.
4 yr old put them away for later.
I offered 2 yr old diff stickers he likes. He still wanted to bite sister.
I made both hot cocoa and cookies and say with them at table. he still wanted to bite sister.
I read him his favorite books by ourselves. He still wanted to bite sister.
I told him I’m so sorry I know you want this stickers. He still wanted to bite sister.
1 hr later after kicking crying and screaming and multiple biting attempts I put him in his crib for 15 seconds.
After he came out he happily drank his hot cocoa (now cold) asked me to read him the books and then played happily with his stickers. And didn’t try to bite or hit his poor sister.
I regret not putting him in his crib earlier. 4 yr old dd lost 1 hr of her afternoon. And 2 yr old was miserable that entire time.

Any advice how you’d handle it?

Is he teething? I’d try to give him something else to bite.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:35 pm

sky wrote:

How is his speech?

sky

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:38 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How is his speech?

Delayed. But he expresses himself beautifully and isn’t frustrated by it. He’s figured that part out. He is incredibly bright. In playgroup morah says he can’t talk but gets point across clearly immediately.

And like I said giving him an hour that eventually ended up with him in his crib caused dd to suffer through it. I’m not convinced it was right.

sky

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:41 pm

Zehava wrote:

And why do you think he wanted to hit, kick, and bite her?

He was angry she has the stickers he wants.
Why does it not make sense that a kid may need 15 seconds by themselves to self regulate and not need their mother there the entire time. I’m really wondering that was what he needed.

Last edited by sky on Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:42 pm; edited 1 time in total

Zehava

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:41 pm

sky wrote:

Now it’s making more sense

Zehava

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:46 pm

sky wrote:

Makes no sense at all actually
Makes more sense that he’s learning that expressing emotions get you locked up in your crib so he did the smart thing and stuffed them down.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:51 pm

amother [ Mauve ] wrote:

I’m wondering what you all do when you’re busy with something that you can’t pause in order to physically be with your child and walk them through their emotions. How do you handle tantrums/fights then?

It takes a few minutes, and it actually ends up taking you the same amount of time if you wouldn’t use the gentle techniques.
Think about it. If my child is tantrumming, I end up doing whatever I’m doing with less concentration and I go slower. AND we both end up frustrated and shaken up.
Instead, take a second to work things out. You can even do this while washing dishes.
If all else fails, someone suggested the idea of having a calming corner, which I think is brilliant.

amother

Olive

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 10:58 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

How is a calming corner different than time out? It's the same concept

sky

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 11:00 pm

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

But what if it doesn’t take a few minutes?
What if your other child is losing out tremendously?
Not all situations are diffused in 5-20 minutes.
Making it sound hunky dory when It isn’t doesn’t help anything.
All I’m doing is reading how your dd was happy with a kiwi.
my son didn’t want the cookie or cocoa or books or talking or stickers. He just wanted his sisters stickers.

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 11:01 pm

sky wrote:

I noticed that in your story he hadnt actually said anything. His lack of speech stands out. It's very common for toddlers with speech delay to kick, hit, and bite. There is more he wants to say, even if he can somewhat communicate most of the time.

Even if you would have put him in the crib earlier, not necessarily would you have had the same outcome. It could be he needed that hour to finally settle, once he was placed in the crib.

At the end of the day, you taught him he is not allowed to bite. You worked to distract him in many ways. He was uncooperative anyway, typical for a toddler, but came out of it happy and content. I would focus on these positive points and not on the 15 seconds in the crib.
Biting and speech delay are both temporary and will disappear together. In the meantime I'd offer him pretzels or other crunchy foods to bite. If he has a one track mind towards biting his sister I'd joke with them that she's not a pretzel or whatever his favorite crunchy food is. Have fun with an imaginary game of what's yummy and what's not. Laugh with them about it. Thankfully it's easy to make toddlers laugh.
Good luck! He sounds super cute.
I would also see how to placate your daughter. Maybe she'd like more special stickers.

amother

Babypink

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 11:03 pm

Zehava wrote:

It’s still very frustrating for a child to not be able to express themselves as clearly as they want to

So how do you deal with a child like that? I have a speech delayed son who fights me about everything. I’m totally stumped how to deal with him.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 11:09 pm

amother [ Babypink ] wrote:

So how do you deal with a child like that? I have a speech delayed son who fights me about everything. I’m totally stumped how to deal with him.

I don’t know since thankfully my children all spoke early. If I had a kid like that I imagine I’d try to get them a great speech therapist and do research on different forms of communication like sign language for babies.