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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Nov 20 2020, 1:49 pm
Rachel Shira wrote:
Nchr, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with your quiet style. I’m pretty quiet myself and I’m sure your kids are used to it. But just to give you an idea of another parenting style, or maybe lifestyle, I find it natural to narrate my day to my (little) kids, ask them questions and have discussions about what we’re doing, ask for their opinions, sing songs, and teach them things. I think it gives them a rich vocabulary and understanding of language in addition to being a great way to connect with them and learn about them. I also think it’s important for kids to know that you’re really interested in what they have to say even when they’re young, and that it will hopefully translate to them coming to you to discuss important things when they’re older too.

People are always commenting on my children’s vocabulary. I think part of it is a natural affinity for language like I have. But I think part of it is how I naturally speak to them from when they’re born (and even before). People also marvel at how I address my toddlers like I would address grownups.

Oh and in general I’m not much of a talker. In social situations I’m mostly quiet unless I have something of substance to say. I almost never speak on the phone. I don’t vent. I don’t process with others, mostly work things through internally.
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Rachel Shira




 
 
 
 

Post  Fri, Nov 20 2020, 1:52 pm
Zehava wrote:
People are always commenting on my children’s vocabulary. I think part of it is a natural affinity for language like I have. But I think part of it is how I naturally speak to them from when they’re born (and even before). People also marvel at how I address my toddlers like I would address grownups.

Oh and in general I’m not much of a talker. In social situations I’m mostly quiet unless I have something of substance to say. I almost never speak on the phone. I don’t vent. I don’t process with others, mostly work things through internally.


Yes I‘m similar and relate to all this.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Fri, Nov 20 2020, 2:01 pm
nchr wrote:
Yes, we talk during the day. I just mean that they have a 5 minute designated time. DH and I are both not big talkers IRL. Our seudas are pretty quiet, but so were my childhood seudas and his as well. I think it is more of a nature. None of my children seem to need more, which is probably why another poster has a different reality with her children. DH and I also write notes to discuss important things with each other when we have a chance.


What about the children who write down notes?
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amother




Ruby
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:18 am
So I've been trying to implement a lot of the things on the thread the last few days with varying degrees of success and I have so many questions.

The most pressing one right now is about DOR- how long does it take to even out? I've been about 4 days since I've tried it and so far all I have is a 2 year old thats been cranky for 4 days because she hasn't eaten enough.
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:20 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
What about the children who write down notes?


We use notes so that when we give them time they have everything they want to discuss written down. I use notes as well. It's a way to teach children patience, order, and dsicipline and is very helpful in life.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:33 am
nchr wrote:
We use notes so that when we give them time they have everything they want to discuss written down. I use notes as well. It's a way to teach children patience, order, and dsicipline and is very helpful in life.

Life in the army maybe
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:36 am
Zehava wrote:
Life in the army maybe


Do you write no notes? Personally I have things I need to discuss with people but cannot discuss things right away. I make notes so when I have time or the people have time then everything is written down and we can address everything without being afraid of skipping something.
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amother




Apricot
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:38 am
nchr wrote:
We use notes so that when we give them time they have everything they want to discuss written down. I use notes as well. It's a way to teach children patience, order, and dsicipline and is very helpful in life.


Oh I totally get why you use them. I write things down all the time if I don’t want to forget them.
But you did say that the kids don’t need more than 5 minutes of talking. The kids who write down notes probably need more than that Smile That’s all.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:39 am
nchr wrote:
Do you write no notes? Personally I have things I need to discuss with people but cannot discuss things right away. I make notes so when I have time or the people have time then everything is written down and we can address everything without being afraid of skipping something.

I don’t
Dh is very into notes. That’s his preference. This bears repeating a million times. Children are not mini adults. They shouldn’t be made to write down notes so they can discuss urgent matters with their parents at the next scheduled meeting.
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:43 am
amother [ Apricot ] wrote:
Oh I totally get why you use them. I write things down all the time if I don’t want to forget them.
But you did say that the kids don’t need more than 5 minutes of talking. The kids who write down notes probably need more than that Smile That’s all.


Oh we don't use a timer and our children are patient, but I can try and look out for this.
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:44 am
Zehava wrote:
I don’t
Dh is very into notes. That’s his preference. This bears repeating a million times. Children are not mini adults. They shouldn’t be made to write down notes so they can discuss urgent matters with their parents at the next scheduled meeting.


So how can they be taught patience and that not everything needs to be addressed right away while feeling secure their concerns will not be forgotten and eventually addressed?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:44 am
nchr wrote:
Oh we don't use a timer and our children are patient, but I can try and look out for this.

Children are not naturally patient. I really wonder what would happen if you told them they can talk to you whenever they want.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:44 am
nchr wrote:
We use notes so that when we give them time they have everything they want to discuss written down. I use notes as well. It's a way to teach children patience, order, and dsicipline and is very helpful in life.


So your kids don't come home from school bursting to share their day, all the detail
My biggest success as a parent is that even my teenage sons want to share with me their day, it gives me a glance at their inner world.
Yesterday I found out from my 13 year old that Yossi davened for the amud, Yitzy put on tefillin and gave out donuts, my son chose chocolate because he doesn't like vanilla, he played basketball and football at his recesses, lunch was gross, they learned a new sugya, they learned with their chavrusos, Moishy is his new chavrusa much better than Eli followed by a 10 minute pro and cons of Moishy's learning style vs Eli's learning style, oh and Eli started using e-cigs once or twice, what's so bad about that and can you be a good bachur and use e-cigs?
If I would have ended the conversation at 5 minutes, instead of letting him prattle for 25 while I was making challa, I would have missed a valuable conversation and possibly only opportunity.
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amother




Crimson
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:46 am
How do you do it if many kids want to talk to you at once, while are trying to put on supper or quiet a crying baby or something else? I find myself constantly being overwhelmed by kids and noise around me. Of course if I had enough time and energy, I'd love to be everyone's "personal mommy" and give them what they each really crave and need in attention, but I just don't have enough of it to go around! What does everyone else do?
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:46 am
nchr wrote:
So how can they be taught patience and that not everything needs to be addressed right away while feeling secure their concerns will not be forgotten and eventually addressed?

Children do not yet have the capacity to wait hours until their concerns are eventually addressed. Especially on a regular basis. Children should feel secure enough to approach their parents anytime. Patience is taught in life when a child naturally doesn’t always get what they want when they want.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:50 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
How do you do it if many kids want to talk to you at once, while are trying to put on supper or quiet a crying baby or something else? I find myself constantly being overwhelmed by kids and noise around me. Of course if I had enough time and energy, I'd love to be everyone's "personal mommy" and give them what they each really crave and need in attention, but I just don't have enough of it to go around! What does everyone else do?

I really struggle with this. I am HSP and get overwhelmed by lots of noise. It really helps that my kids each come home at a different time so they all get their private time when they come home. Supper you can either put up before they come home or have them “help”. A baby I know people put in a carrier though personally I get back pain after a while. With my next one I might try a more expensive one.
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nchr




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:50 am
keym wrote:
So your kids don't come home from school bursting to share their day, all the detail
My biggest success as a parent is that even my teenage sons want to share with me their day, it gives me a glance at their inner world.
Yesterday I found out from my 13 year old that Yossi davened for the amud, Yitzy put on tefillin and gave out donuts, my son chose chocolate because he doesn't like vanilla, he played basketball and football at his recesses, lunch was gross, they learned a new sugya, they learned with their chavrusos, Moishy is his new chavrusa much better than Eli followed by a 10 minute pro and cons of Moishy's learning style vs Eli's learning style, oh and Eli started using e-cigs once or twice, what's so bad about that and can you be a good bachur and use e-cigs?
If I would have ended the conversation at 5 minutes, instead of letting him prattle for 25 while I was making challa, I would have missed a valuable conversation and possibly only opportunity.


No, from when they are little I talk about waiting and patience and how I'll address everything in time. I'd become too overwhelmed being bombarded like that. The ones who write make notes. I have a special place where the little ones can place their paperwork or drawings that I look at when there is time and then give them attention. They just feel fine with it. My siblings are like this too. Maybe this is nature and nurture together but this is one of the successes of my parenting and my children IMO not a negative.
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Zehava




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:52 am
nchr wrote:
No, from when they are little I talk about waiting and patience and how I'll address everything in time. I'd become too overwhelmed being bombarded like that. The ones who write make notes. I have a special place where the little ones can place their paperwork or drawings that I look at when there is time and then give them attention. They just feel fine with it. My siblings are like this too. Maybe this is nature and nurture together but this is one of the successes of my parenting and my children IMO not a negative.

How do you know they feel fine with it? Do you ever discuss feelings with them?
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 9:55 am
nchr wrote:
No, from when they are little I talk about waiting and patience and how I'll address everything in time. I'd become too overwhelmed being bombarded like that. The ones who write make notes. I have a special place where the little ones can place their paperwork or drawings that I look at when there is time and then give them attention. They just feel fine with it. My siblings are like this too. Maybe this is nature and nurture together but this is one of the successes of my parenting and my children IMO not a negative.


So how would you even know to address a very important issue that comes out as a by the way, like the e-cigs in my scenario?
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:06 am
amother [ Crimson ] wrote:
How do you do it if many kids want to talk to you at once, while are trying to put on supper or quiet a crying baby or something else? I find myself constantly being overwhelmed by kids and noise around me. Of course if I had enough time and energy, I'd love to be everyone's "personal mommy" and give them what they each really crave and need in attention, but I just don't have enough of it to go around! What does everyone else do?


Maybe it's not the best, but it's better than nothing.
When my older ones (over 9) walk in, I tell them to share the one or two biggest news right then, then one more thing during supper taking turns.
Then, after the little ones are in bed, I'll invite the older kids to "help" me or to watch me.
One kid 15 minutes of washing dishes, one kid 10 minutes hanging the load, one kid, 25 minutes preparing a huge pot of meatballs, etc.
So yes, in that way, I do one on one, it's not too overwhelming, and I am teaching patience.
My 13 year old gets told tell me the most important part of your day now, and then while I'm washing dishes, you can tell me everything else. But it's enough time for him to feel heard. He talks until he's done and walks away.
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