Positive parenting- real life scenarios

nchr

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:07 am

Zehava wrote:

How do you know they feel fine with it? Do you ever discuss feelings with them?

Well they are very patient and don't seem to be expressing any issues with the setup so I'd say it's working and they are fine with it.

nchr

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:10 am

keym wrote:

So how would you even know to address a very important issue that comes out as a by the way, like the e-cigs in my scenario?

My kids aren't old enough for important things like that but this is a good question. I'd imagine the ecig was the real thing your child wanted to bring up and if he had 5 minutes only would have brought it up.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:11 am

nchr wrote:

Well they are very patient and don't seem to be expressing any issues with the setup so I'd say it's working and they are fine with it.

Have you ever as a child felt afraid, hurt, or angry inside but behaved perfectly well on the outside? Do you ever do that as an adult?
Behavior and outward expression are not always indicative of what a person is feeling inside.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:12 am

nchr wrote:

I think of her child didn’t feel safe enough to say anything to his mom he never would’ve brought it up at all.

crust

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:13 am

nchr wrote:

A child being touched inappropriately is more severe than e-cigs.

Children from homes where the parents are more stoic are a better target for child molesters as they know the child won't run and report to the parents.

amother

Apricot

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:14 am

nchr wrote:

Oh we don't use a timer and our children are patient, but I can try and look out for this.

I like this idea!
Sometimes I like to prompt my kids with “what was the best part of your day?” and “what was the worst part of your day?”

crust

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:16 am

Zehava wrote:

I think of her child didn’t feel safe enough to say anything to his mom he never would’ve brought it up at all.

True because you don't suddenly develop a relationship at 13 when these issues crop up.

nchr

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:18 am

Look I can't give my children more than that. I can only give what I have to offer and make it the most comfortable way possible. The notes is a success in our chinuch and it is a success in our house. Shabbos I play with my kids a lot. They never seem to talk then. We just play the board game or puzzle or whatever else. And I love it. But I am not wired to stay at home all day and be some sappy mother and it doesn't mean what my children have to say isn't important or isn't heard or isn't said, just that it is said with limits and more calculated than regular speech. I don't need to hear about every narishe thing and teaching children to prioritize speech makes sense to me.

keym

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:21 am

nchr wrote:

1) actually not. If he only had 5 minutes, he would share the most important part of his day- donuts for hanachas tefillin, basketball, football, and that lunch was gross.
2) I don't think it was in his consciousness. He was talking out pros and cons of chavrusos and only then did it even hit his brain. Oh e-cigs!!!
3) I think he needed the 15 minute conversation to even feel comfortable talking about such a weighty topic.
4) e-cigs is such a huge conversation for teenage boys. A 5 minute conversation will never cut it. It's not Ma should I smoke? No! Ok.
It's way more nuanced. Peer pressure, health, self esteem, feeling cool, cost.
All of these things need to be talked and analyzed letting him be an equal part of the conversation for him to come to the right choice on his own, to withstand the pressure.

E-cigs are just one of dozens of conversations we've had.
Hitching, drugs, nightly restaurant visits, Thurs night cholent, girls, shaving, electronics.
And I need to have these conversations with him.
So I know how to guide him, raise him, choose mesivtas for him, etc.

crust

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:21 am

I want to add two things my husband said about the Chazon Ish on Shabbos and I made a mental note to add it to this thread but forgot until it was bumped;

1. The Chazon Ish once saw children playing with mud. He went inside and brought out a pail of water.
He told the children that it is much more pleasant to play with the mud when it is wet.

2. Whenever the Chazon Ish had a jumpy child he would tell the child jump onto the table - now jump off.
He felt that children have to jump out their energy.

Hope this helps someone with allowing children to make a mess and with understanding that some children need to jump on and off tables.

Smile

Zehava

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:25 am

nchr wrote:

So you’re feeling angry because you need us to agree with you that the way you’re doing things now is enough.
It’s not that you can’t give your kids more than that. It’s that you choose not to because you want your home to be a calm, quiet, orderly place.

keym

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:26 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

I like this idea!
Sometimes I like to prompt my kids with “what was the best part of your day?” and “what was the worst part of your day?”

Over the years, we've played a supper game.
Every child has to share the best thing in their day, the worst thing in their day, and a kindness they've done for someone else.

We've also played "two truths and a lie".
Everyone has to share two things that happened and one thing that didn't and everyone has to guess what didn't happen.
Example: I took a Chumash test, we played jump rope at recess, we had pizza for lunch. Turns out she took a Navi test.

nchr

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:27 am

Zehava wrote:

I'm not angry and you don't need to agree with me. I think it's interesting to choose something that is clearly working to pick on though. And yes, I need my home to be a calm, quiet, orderly place and who doesn't?

crust

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:29 am

nchr wrote:

I don't think you should throw out the baby with the bath water.

Your system has some good parts to it.

You can tweak it slowly so the transition is easier for you and your children.

Also, how do your children know what is a narishkeit and what is important?

keym

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:29 am

nchr wrote:

Well a lot of those issues you mentioned are just obvious where I live Keym so they wouldn't be discussions unless chv there was something very wrong and then we'd be having a completely different conversation.

I'd like to address this point without giving away details.
We are typical RW yeshivish in Lakewood. My son's in a very good Cheder. And is a very good, smart boy. (I'm not the only one who says so).
But unless he lives in a bubble, EVERY SINGLE TOPIC can come up over the next few years so I want him to have the tools to know how to handle it.

Eta: reviewing the list, except shaving when and how. I'll grant you that.

Last edited by keym on Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:31 am; edited 1 time in total

Zehava

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:30 am

nchr wrote:

It’s clear to all of us that just because your kids don’t talk more that is no indication at all that it’s clearly working.
Sure I would love for my home to be a calm quiet orderly place. Excessive noise makes me anxious. And yet even more than that I know I have a responsibility to raise healthy children. Healthy children are noisy and messy.

nchr

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:33 am

Zehava wrote:

Healthy children are noisy and messy.

No personality allowance for quiet children? I have one child who is naturally noisier so I need to work more on that particular child. The rest are ruiga, quiet kids.

Zehava

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:39 am

nchr wrote:

No personality allowance for quiet children? I have one child who is naturally noisier so I need to work more on that particular child. The rest are ruiga, quiet kids.

Work more to make that particular child quiet like their siblings? Because you want a quiet house?
You have no way of knowing whether or not your kids are naturally quiet unless you allow noise.

amother

Saddlebrown

Mon, Nov 23 2020, 10:50 am

healthy children are whatever they naturally are. some are very neat, structured and disciplined and others are the opposite. our job isn't to decide what a typical healthy child is. our job is to accept whatever is typical for each of our individual children.

and to help create some sort of balance and harmony in the house for each person.

it doesn't mean that a house full of children is naturally balagan by nature of having children in it. but it also doesn't mean that parents cant strive for a general sense of peace. how to arrive there is different for each family.

but all of that aside. when a child come to talk to you. just listen as often and as much as you can. because you never know what theyre about to share. and some of it could be very important to your job of protecting them physically and spiritually.