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My dd did not share this with me, should I bring it up?
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amother




Cerulean
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:39 pm
Please don't correct her if she says "cancer". Let her use that word if she wants. Hatzlachah.
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amother




Lavender
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:45 pm
Cancer is not Voldemort!

If you say it three times in front of a mirror, it will not appear and haunt you.

Every time you stigmatize it, you hurt someone who actually has it, and you alienate them.
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 1:48 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Cancer is not Voldemort!

If you say it three times in front of a mirror, it will not appear and haunt you.

Every time you stigmatize it, you hurt someone who actually has it, and you alienate them.
You all are getting it all wrong.
The point behind saying 'yene machla' was not to stigmatize. The people that said this word didn't even know of the word or meaning of stigmatized.
It was not to give power to the word and in turn to the illness. Words are powerful and they infuse energy to whatever the focus of your word is. That is how it was explained to me. I hope that I'm relaying it in the way which it was meant to be relayed.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:00 pm
ShishKabob wrote:
You all are getting it all wrong.
The point behind saying 'yene machla' was not to stigmatize. The people that said this word didn't even know of the word or meaning of stigmatized.
It was not to give power to the word and in turn to the illness. Words are powerful and they infuse energy to whatever the focus of your word is. That is how it was explained to me. I hope that I'm relaying it in the way which it was meant to be relayed.


I understand that people say this, but it's just not true.

First, cancer unfortunately exists in communities where people won't say the word out loud. Avoiding a word doesn't get rid of the thing to which it refers. If it did, we could get rid of all those pesky researchers and hospitals quickly and cheaply.

Second, the result of not using the correct word does create a stigma. I'm sure that those who avoid saying "cancer" don't intend any harm, but the result is hurtful nonetheless. The damage isn't just emotional, either. In Israel, haredi women have lower rates of breast cancer than other groups, but are more likely to die of it, for lack of testing and information. Not speaking about cancer can be deadly.
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dancingqueen




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:00 pm
amother [ Lavender ] wrote:
Cancer is not Voldemort!

If you say it three times in front of a mirror, it will not appear and haunt you.

Every time you stigmatize it, you hurt someone who actually has it, and you alienate them.


That’s exactly what I was thinking. “Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.”

Op you said yourself you don’t spend much 1:1 time with this dd so perhaps that’s why you’re not so close?
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:07 pm
A guess?

"She's afraid to tell you" means "she doesn't want to worry you" or "she's afraid you'll overreact" (eg, get scared that she will get sick)

IMNSHO, I wouldn't confront her about not telling you. Instead, you could say "I ran into Malky's mom today, and she told me that Ruti has been sick. I'm sure that's been a lot for you to process, and I'm here if you want to talk, or if you have any questions."
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clowny




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:47 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
I understand that people say this, but it's just not true.

First, cancer unfortunately exists in communities where people won't say the word out loud. Avoiding a word doesn't get rid of the thing to which it refers. If it did, we could get rid of all those pesky researchers and hospitals quickly and cheaply.

Second, the result of not using the correct word does create a stigma. I'm sure that those who avoid saying "cancer" don't intend any harm, but the result is hurtful nonetheless. The damage isn't just emotional, either. In Israel, haredi women have lower rates of breast cancer than other groups, but are more likely to die of it, for lack of testing and information. Not speaking about cancer can be deadly.


Oh please...
Of course avoiding the word doesn’t get rid of the illness. It’s just a segula
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:49 pm
dancingqueen wrote:
That’s exactly what I was thinking. “Fear of the name only increases fear of the thing itself.”

Op you said yourself you don’t spend much 1:1 time with this dd so perhaps that’s why you’re not so close?


I will say this again- I don’t think it’s that we’re not close. We spend a lot of time together. It’s just usually not a one on one.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:50 pm
SixOfWands wrote:
A guess?

"She's afraid to tell you" means "she doesn't want to worry you" or "she's afraid you'll overreact" (eg, get scared that she will get sick)

IMNSHO, I wouldn't confront her about not telling you. Instead, you could say "I ran into Malky's mom today, and she told me that Ruti has been sick. I'm sure that's been a lot for you to process, and I'm here if you want to talk, or if you have any questions."


I definitely have no intentions of confronting her as to why she didn’t tell me. I would never think of doing that. My question was rather if I should at all bring this up like the way you suggested.
But by now I anyway already made my decision. Will talk to her later.
Thanks all.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 2:58 pm
clowny wrote:
Oh please...
Of course avoiding the word doesn’t get rid of the illness. It’s just a segula


And does it work? We know that avoiding the word has measurable negative effects. What are the measurable positive ones?

Anyhow, I think the op is on the right track. Wishing everyone good health.
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 3:38 pm
I recently told someone that a friend has "yenne machla". They thought I meant covid. And explaining that I meant the Big C didn't help.
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amother




Gold
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 5:35 pm
And maybe your dd respects this girl's privacy and feels that it's not her news to share, you have no need to know, and there's no to'eles in telling you. Just because the whole school knows doesn't mean she has to spread the word any further.
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ellacoe




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 8:03 pm
For a high school girl, having a classmate with cancer can be terrifying. These girls are young and carefree and do not give much thought to their own mortality, and then suddenly someone who they see every day, who is their age, has a deadly illness. It brings them to question many things and they are faced with thoughts, fears and ideas that they often can not easily process, let alone discuss with others. This is a lot for a High School girl to face.

In addition, besides internalizing it, often girls are unsure how to act around the friend who isn't well, and they have to navigate that as well. Causing them more discomfort and anxiety.

It is possible that your daughter has not discussed it with you, not because she is keeping it from you, but because she is unsure how to process it herself and isn't sure how to have the conversation, or isn't ready to have it. Also it is possible that if she discusses it with you, it becomes real. Now it's just something that she is mulling around in her head but once she discusses it, it becomes real. It could also be that she wants to keep it at school, it is troubling and she doesn't want it to be a major source of discussion at home.

What ever the reason is I don't think that it is necessarily a reflection of your relationship.

It sounds like you would like to bring it up with her, which could be very beneficial for her.
Try and do so in a laid back way. Let her lead the conversation. Don't press her for details, diagnoses, treatment etc. Be guided by her and what aspects she brings up. Try and be calm, she may be looking to you for cues on how to react and how serious it is. If she sees that you are calm and not flustered she will be calmer. If she sees that you are anxious and not optimistic, she will follow that sentiment.

Wishing you hatzlacha and may she have a quick refuah
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Nov 17 2020, 8:26 pm
ellacoe wrote:
For a high school girl, having a classmate with cancer can be terrifying. These girls are young and carefree and do not give much thought to their own mortality, and then suddenly someone who they see every day, who is their age, has a deadly illness. It brings them to question many things and they are faced with thoughts, fears and ideas that they often can not easily process, let alone discuss with others. This is a lot for a High School girl to face.

In addition, besides internalizing it, often girls are unsure how to act around the friend who isn't well, and they have to navigate that as well. Causing them more discomfort and anxiety.

It is possible that your daughter has not discussed it with you, not because she is keeping it from you, but because she is unsure how to process it herself and isn't sure how to have the conversation, or isn't ready to have it. Also it is possible that if she discusses it with you, it becomes real. Now it's just something that she is mulling around in her head but once she discusses it, it becomes real. It could also be that she wants to keep it at school, it is troubling and she doesn't want it to be a major source of discussion at home.

What ever the reason is I don't think that it is necessarily a reflection of your relationship.

It sounds like you would like to bring it up with her, which could be very beneficial for her.
Try and do so in a laid back way. Let her lead the conversation. Don't press her for details, diagnoses, treatment etc. Be guided by her and what aspects she brings up. Try and be calm, she may be looking to you for cues on how to react and how serious it is. If she sees that you are calm and not flustered she will be calmer. If she sees that you are anxious and not optimistic, she will follow that sentiment.

Wishing you hatzlacha and may she have a quick refuah


Thank you.
It’s nice to read something nice.
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Jewishmom8




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Nov 18 2020, 4:17 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I’ve been doing everything you’re saying here all the time, probably since she was born. It’s my human nature. I have a few other teenagers and they are all different. Not sharing much with mom does not mean a child is not close to you. It’s just nature. I talk to my kids a lot. When they get home from school we sit and chat for a long time about our day. I always tell them what I did that day. They all tell me about their day. When I turn to this daughter and ask her about her day. She would say- my day was good bh. As usual. Sometimes she shares more sometimes less.
Sometimes when I try to have conversation with her, it can turn into a long one. Sometimes it will finish right there. She is not a quite kid. She’s very funny, we laugh with her about her sense of humor. She can tell me jokes. She can tell me stories. She adds a lot to our home. But when it comes to share something personal about her she would rather not. Like when she got her period for the first time she did not tell me. But neither did my other daughter who in general is different and would probably share with me about a sick classmate. Spending alone time with her does not happen often since she is not the only teenager in the house and I bh have a large family.

I agree with this.
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