Can any allergy moms relate?

amother

Wed, Nov 18 2020, 9:04 pm

My dd11 has been allergic to a number of foods basically her whole life. She's a very sweet, mature kid, but she still gets disappointed when she misses out on treats in school, in the lunch boxes and at parties. Well, today her teacher announced that since the class got enough tickets in their Chumash program, they earned a special donut party tomorrow. Dd went over to her and said that she can't have donuts because she's allergic. The teacher said, "ok, so bring something else for yourself."

Argh! Is it just me, or can you relate to how disappointing this is for her? Why can't the teacher at least bring something else?!? Basically my dd is going to be sitting there eating snack while the rest of the class is having a party that she earned too. I could tell that she was trying not to show that it bothered her but her voice was wobbling when she told me. Yes, I gave her something special that she doesn't usually get for snack. But still, why???? I feel like this teacher is missing a sensitivity chip Sad

Frumwithallergies

Wed, Nov 18 2020, 9:15 pm

As my SN attests, I've been living this for myself and my children for more years than I care to acknowledge.

I have heard all sorts of stories from teachers, from those who are willing to help, to those who couldn't give a rat's a**.

Does your dd's administration know about your daughter's allergies? Would you feel comfortable alerting them to this exclusionary practice? What about letting the teacher gently know how your dd and you feel about this exclusion.

Alternatively, you might send your dd with a treat more fabulous that the one her classmates are getting..... I've done both strategies in the past and they have worked for me in different situations. Hope this helps.

Allergies are often a life-long challenge; learning to deal with them can build resilience.

amother

Wed, Nov 18 2020, 9:27 pm

I guess I've been lucky until now that many teachers are a little more sensitive. Even if the teacher herself just brings a can of soda for dd it feels a little more special than "bring something else for yourself." I have not spoken to admin, and in general I choose my battles in that regard. I feel that this isn't a huge deal, but I'm frustrated and venting here because I was hoping someone would get me. I definitely agree that this builds resilience. I'm sure that it contributes to her incredible character. It's just hard as a mom to see your child disappointed, especially when it's for no good reason.

amother

Salmon

Wed, Nov 18 2020, 9:31 pm

Oh I feel you!!
Like when my daughter's class baked Chanuka cookies last year, when she came to give my daughter dough, she reminded teacher that she can't touch it. Teacher said, oh, right, so ask your mother to bake cookies with you when you get home. Gee thanx! That's definitely what I was missing in my life at 4pm on Chanuka afternoon.
My poor daughter was so upset. This is a first grader and teacher definitely knew about her allergies.
It's really hard on these kids but like someone else said, it does build resilience.

BS"D!!!

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 1:38 am

I feel for your daughter and wish people would understand what this means to a child- I really appreciate those who do go out of their way to accommodate my daughter!
That said I learned a lot from a parent whose daughter with celiac was in my class- I’m a preschool teacher. She sent in treats, cupcakes, cookies to be kept in school (baked items in the freezer) for when a treat her child couldn’t have was given, and sent the other parents a letter explaining about her daughter, and listing treats she could have. She wrote that she is sending it so that parents who want her daughter to be able to have what they send in for shabbos party etc. can know what she is allowed to have.
With my daughter, who has multiple food allergies, I didn’t send a note to parents, but gave the teacher a list that included safe and unsafe foods and treats as well as egg free, soy free... cake & basic cookie recipes. I also sent treats to keep in school for her and cupcake/cookies to keep in the freezer.
Before Rosh Chodesh Kislev, I sent homemade donuts for her to use when appropriate and I plan to send foil wrapped “coins” before Chanukah. Even if others may not, I have to do my best to meet her needs.

seeker

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 1:59 am

Yes these situations frustrate me so much. I really feel that it doesn't take that much extra effort to make everyone feel included, either by getting something safe in the first place or by going the extra inch (really, it doesn't take an extra mile) to personally get something for the allergy kid.

I have been on the other end as a teacher's assistant, teacher, camp counselor, camp head staff - I have never had an issue accommodating the kids with allergies. There was one year I was a baking head and a kid was allergic to like 15 things including wheat, so I really wasn't able to make it work every time - but I worked it out at least half the time, which helped her feel that we were thinking of her and including her, when in the past she was used to really being left out, which is so sad. I don't understand why teachers can't work it out in simpler situations.

Just in this past week my DD missed out on "Kislev donuts" (I have a lot of experience with Chanukah donuts. MOST of the factories that make them around here are nut free. COME ON.) and now her class is having something with jelly beans that have a nut warning on the package (you can DEFINITELY find jelly beans without a nut warning. And if the store you went to didnt' have any, so use winkies instead of jelly beans. Again, COME ON!)

I understand this is a lot harder when kids have multiple allergies but my experiences like this with my kid who only has one allergy make me think that it's about the attitude.

OK, I vented. This was just on my mind today so I'm heated.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 3:33 am

As a teacher, I’ve found most parents of a kid with serious allergies (beyond the common nuts) ask me at the beginning of the year to let them know when there will be food so they can send in food that would be safe for their kid.
Given that most of the treats are provided through the school- I don’t go buy them myself, it’s not so simple to just get an alternative. My first few years teaching I didn’t have a car- I got a ride to work everyday- I had no way to go pick up special allergy free treats for the kids who needed them, so I was thankful the parents volunteered.
I do keep spare lollipops in my room in case something comes up, and I generally email the parents directly so the kid isn’t involved in her own treat.
And yes, I and my child both have allergies.

amother

Peach

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 4:00 am

We sometimes bake during mathsclass (measuring flour...) I always have a special sheetpan for my glutenfree students, we use glutenflree flour...

we end up wth two brownies or two cookie types, and ONLY the glutenfree kids know exactly which one is theirs. the others get a random piece.

all snacks are peanut/gluten/lactose free- so that EVERYONE can have the same.

lunch is catered and there is special food for the kids with allergies and vegetarians (sometimes theri version is tastier, sometimes not...depends) - there are about 400 regular portions and about 15 special meals.

One of my students is seriously overweighed and the mother doesnt want me to serve nash (rightfully so). We hardly ever do anyway. But if we bake together or (twice a year - serve nash) I definitely let the girl join our fun! - We have zwo fruitdays and two veggydays a week - thats our snack. I cut up fesh produce, each parent pays 2 euro per month, its tatsy and healthy too.

Also: I used to have a diabetic with insuline... we accomodate- noone is left out MOST of the time (I make mistakes, but not purposly and I try to keep things fair).

Iymnok

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 5:11 am

I understand that the mother would be involved and stock the school freezer for a preschooler until about 2nd grade. By 11 they get it and can care for themselves. I have a 5yo with celiac. Her teacher gave a chocolate coin and merengues for Rosh Chodesh. I was so excited to see that!
I plan on making a gluten-free doughnut order with some friends who also need for their kids. I’ll give to DD’s teacher for that sufganiyah day.

The teacher has a responsibility to include every child. She can call mom the night before to arrange something.

amother

Orange

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 8:43 am

B"H my kids don't have allergies, but they've all still been the odd ones out. I have one that has been both in public school and non-Jewish private schools and of course no treats were ever kosher. I was told to have something for him that could be left at school for such occasions. I bought a dozen cupcakes that they kept in the freezer to distribute to him when appropriate. He would sit there with a frozen cupcake while everyone ate something that looked better. By the time the thing defrosted the treat time had long passed and he felt embarrassed to eat his cupcake alone at some odd time and ended up chucking it into the garbage most times. Can't Believe It

The rest of my kids were in a school for a couple years where we were the only family who kept CY. Can't tell you how many times my kids sat there watching everyone else eat. How hard is it to get parve treats instead?
But the reality is that it's not on other people's minds or they find it complicated or more expensive or whatever so really the best thing is to move away from food treats altogether.

P.S... I just realized I posted on an allergy forum. Didn't even realize. Sorry if I bothered anyone by commenting when I don't have allergies.

amother

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 9:11 am

BS"D!!! wrote:

I did this as well when my dd was in preschool. The freezer in school was stocked with challah rolls for her to have at shabbos party and cupcakes for other parties. I learned that the hard way when she was in nursery and they made a performance for mothers. They served a delicious frosted cake to all the girls afterwards, which I didn't know was going to happen. She got sliced watermelon. After that I made sure the school had alternatives for her.

However, she's in sixth grade now.. She's not even picky about what she gets, the idea is just not to make her feel completely excluded. Last year her teacher would give her a can of soda or a box of Mike and ike's or even just a handful of random candies instead of other treats that the class had. She never really complained about it, and she's still not complaining. I am, though... If a teacher is able to figure out that a donut party is exciting for a class to be earn, she should be able to figure out that MISSING the class party when she's sitting right there watching it, is equally disappointing for a student.

gold21

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 9:47 am

I think you should speak to the teacher.
Teachers are wonderful and are generally great at educating our children, but sometimes parents are in a position to educate their children's teachers. Be calm, clear, concise, non-accusatory, pleasant.... But yes, educate her. Every human has the capacity to learn and grow. You'll be doing the next allergy mom a favor.

Also, what is she allergic to? What would be a reasonable replacement to donuts for your child?

Good Luck.

keym

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 10:00 am

I have multiple kids with multiple allergies.
By 9 or 10, I teach them to start advocating and negotiating for themselves. I support in the background, but I think it's an important skill.
My 13 year old had a party that he was allergic to. By now, he went over to the Rebbi the day before and asked what he should do. They discussed it and came to a solution.
I actually didn't even know about the negotiations. Just that he brought home a soda instead of the treat.
I was proud.
I'm happy to bake or cook something and he knows it's something he can offer Rebbi, but I'd like him to discuss and negotiate and come to a mutually satisfying result.

amother

Pumpkin

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 10:03 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Then you need to tell the teacher this is what your child prefers. Many kids do prefer to bring in their own similar treat.

amother

Babypink

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 10:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That teacher’s response was disgusting. She should have asked your dad what types of treats she enjoys and picked one up for her!

amother

Thu, Nov 19 2020, 10:27 am

gold21 wrote:

My dd has mentioned a few incidents so far this year (involving other students, not her) that make me believe the teacher is generally lacking in the skills needed to deal with students appropriately.. I don't know that anything I say will make her understand. The reality is that not every teacher has emotional intelligence. I really prefer not to reach out to teachers or admin unless there's something bigger going on.

Her allergies don't make it difficult to find a substitute for baked goods. Anything sugary like soda, candy, many packaged cookies are all fine.