My daughter won't stop talking

Fox

Thu, May 08 2008, 12:31 pm

I find it fascinating that posters who typically take a tough stance when issues of chutzpah are raised are remarkably accepting of this situation and, in fact, are willing to admit that their own children have this problem. Frankly, I think the problem is a very, very serious one within our communities and leads to more serious issues later in life. It is most emphatically not cute or acceptable and has far worse long-term consequences than most of the "chutzpah" stories told on this forum.

There is no contradiction between helping a child learn to communicate effectively and showing that child that you value his/her thoughts. Letting a child continue the habit of rambling non-stop is about as good an example of lack of appropriate discipline as I can imagine.

Children must learn that communication involves listening, attending to non-verbal cues, and being considerate of the listener's time. Obviously, this is a learning process that takes time; a 4-year-old will have less control than a 7-year-old, etc. Of course, any learning disabilities or related issues can be a factor, as well.

Unfortunately, our communities are full of people -- far too often women --who have an opinion on everything, don't work to modulate their voices or tone, and simply can't keep their mouths closed. Their skirts and sleeves may be long enough, but they serve as frightening examples of lack of tznius.

To the OP: Try explaining some of the dynamics of communication and help her learn how to control herself. One way is to set limits on your own listening time. It's perfectly appropriate to say, "I really want to hear all about your day. Let's talk for the next fifteen minutes, and then I have some things to do. If you forget to tell me something, we'll talk again in 30 minutes." Obviously, this is a little artificial, but it will force her to organize her thoughts. Hopefully, over time, she'll become more skilled at doing this on her own.

Some other ideas: Require all children to practice divrei Torah for the Shabbos table. No reading or rambling allowed. This sends the message that the communicator bears some responsibility for not wasting the family's time. Insist that children learn to summarize and ask questions that help them do so, such as, "Tell me about the funniest thing that happened in school today."

Bottom line: we wouldn't stand idle if one of our children were a habitual thief. However, "stealing" someone's time because you never learned the "rules of the road" for communication is a more serious aveira and can cause repercussions in your marriage, job, family, and community.