Help me help my kid allergic to compliments

behappy2

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 9:54 am

Anyone have experience with helping a child be receptive? I think he feels too much pressure.

I have had success with complimenting him together with someone else. (You kids did a great job here. Thank you)

oneofakind

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 10:18 am

Could be he doesn't feel good about himself so the compliments feel uncomfortable. I would make sure to minimize the criticism and compliment effort or another characteristic I.e. NOT- you are such a good boy you cleaned up.
Rather- the room is so clean, now it's easier to find things. That took a lot of persistence. Thank you.

behappy2

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 11:17 am

oneofakind wrote:

Thanks for responding.

I don't criticize much unless he is driving me crazy and I'm at my limit physically or emotionally. He does struggle in school and does have a low self esteem, probably in large part due to his school experiences.

I try to compliment in a sneaky way, like you described but either I don't have the art down pat or he is very sensitive.

Can you help me with the following:

Him helping me out by watching his younger sister

Playing nicely with her

Knowing something well (chmash, gemorah, reading)

Him being responsible (coming in on time)

As I'm writing this I'm realizing that actually he does accept compliments he believes are true. For example if I tell him that he is very knowledgeable in certain subjects (science for example) he will accept it easily, however, I was telling my husband that he knows the chumash really well (we studied together) and he kept denying it.

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 11:33 am

How to Talk So Kids Will Listen explains this pretty well. Broad compliments or potentially undeserved compliments tend to backfire, kids start distrusting you.

Instead, describe what you saw so the child will compliment THEMSELVES.

While you were watching Sarale, I was able to rest and get back some of my energy. I appreciate you giving me that time.

You were able to translate all of the pesukim we reviewed together.

You were able to explain how the Gemara is structured, and knew most of the Aramaic words.

You came on time to dinner. It is so nice for me when I can start serving on time.

behappy2

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 11:56 am

amother [ Pumpkin ] wrote:

So for the chumash to my husband "he understands the double meaning of vayisrotzatzu" Instead of he knows the first few pesukim. And I guess are on the side of caution, so only say what I am sure he knows.

For playing nicely. "I see the two of you are enjoying this game together"?

Do you think he doesn't trust me. May be he just doesn't trust me and my compliments.

behappy2

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 11:57 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

Name the specific action and attach to a trait. For example, "you showed a lot of patience while you playing that game with your sister." not just, " you did a great job watching your sister"

That's probably too much for him. "I don't have patience. I'm going to show you how I don't have patience"

amother

Pumpkin

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 12:02 pm

behappy2 wrote:

It's not that he doesn't trust YOU, he has gotten undeserved compliments in the past and no longer takes them all at face value. For example, if you made a Duncan Hines cake and I went on and on about what an amazing baker you are, it wouldn't make you feel good.

You can't go wrong with a description, and you can add an "I" statement if you want to say more.

So, "I see the two of you are enjoying this game together. It is such a pleasure for me to watch you play."

And exactly, for the Chumash, "I noticed that he understands the double meaning of Vayisrotzetzu. I had a lot of nachas reviewing the Chumash with him today."

Neither of those are statements he can negate in his head, so he ends up with a compliment he can accept and feel good about.

Sparkler

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 12:03 pm

Model, model, model. I know so many adults who still struggle with accepting compliments. They deflect it away from themselves, reject, change subject etc. Many times due to insecurity/lack of confidence. I think that as people learn to be confident in themselves, they become okay with accepting compliments. That was my personal experience, too.

amother

Blush

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 12:12 pm

I agree with everything above. I like amother pumpkin's specific advice. I have a son like this.

I wanted to add that even if he doesn't seem receptive, he's still hearing it. My son's Rebbe was telling my husband how unreceptive our son is to prizes/awards - yet when my son comes home, he is over the moon when he got a prize that day.

amother

White

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 1:46 pm

behappy2 wrote:

Have you ever tried affirmations without using the word you?

That was so responsible.

I enjoyed my coffee. Thanks for playing with Sarah while I did so.

That studying was so hard. Good job!

FranticFrummie

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 2:14 pm

17yo DD is the same way. She's struggled a lot in school, and has unrealistic expectations of herself. She gets very down if her work is not perfect, and then she thinks she's "stupid".

I found that general compliments can really make her shut me out. I learned to name things very specifically. "You got a 98 on Spanish this week, that's awesome! It's much higher than last week, you must have studied very hard."

Another one, is instead of saying "I'm proud of you", I'll say "You must be very proud of yourself." She can hear these statements much easier.

I even asked her once "You have a hard time with compliments, don't you?" and she said "Yeah, they make me feel really awkward."

Definitely work on your phrasing, and you'll find a communication style that will click eventually.

bigsis144

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 2:42 pm

Think of it this way - a blanket “that’s great!” or “you’re so smart!” or “that’s beautiful!” could technically be given with your eyes closed, not paying attention, etc.

SHOW THAT YOU ARE NOTICING.

Noticing not just “effort”, but that they reviewed their spelling words with both Ima *and* Aba!

Noticing not just “beautiful” but that they made such tiny little curlicues in the details of that drawing, or how the trees contrast against the color of the sky.

Etc.

professor

Sun, Nov 22 2020, 2:49 pm

behappy2 wrote:

"Good job here" is not enough. Try elaborating what about the job is good. Get into the details and compliment the color choice on the art or the way all the Lego was put away etc.