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-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Nov 24 2020, 10:13 am
Ok. I need some help here. I am inspired by the positive parenting thread..
I took Blimie Heller's course but my patience is waning and I just want to sleeeeep.
My DD3 is extremely "needy." She is constantly is "tantrum" mode. She always needs me to help her and walk her to where she needs to go. It can be to help go to the bathroom, wait for her to finish and walk her out back to the kitchen...
She gets wet and then needs me to be with her to change...at her own pace of course.
After I kissed her goodbye this morning when leaving to work she started crying all over again that I didnt give her a kiss and a hug. seriously?
If she doesnt get her way she will literally lock herself in the bathroom and undress herself.
This morning she came out of her room at 5:30 non stop talking.
Then I finally let her out to go play and then tiredness hits her a little later and everything is such a big deal. I just let her cry in the living room so I can get up and dressed, make beds, help my baby.
I am loosing it with her. How do I know at what point I am spoiling her every time she demands help from me or just be there at her beck and call?
I am literally loosing it!!!!!!!!!
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 10:30 am
You write that you're losing it, I know exactly how you feel and the way I handle my daughter really helps!!
The first thing you need to do is stay completely calm. Everything she says or does you can acknowledge but that doesn't mean she needs to get her way, especially since she is old enough to communicate and understand.
You need to make her feel SO loved, this doesn't mean giving in to her every request since that IS spoiling her, but you MUST remain calm and communicate.
You must remember that just because a child is feeling moody, they don't need you to fix everything but they DO need you to stay calm. Then they will learn to imitate you and know that they are safe.
It takes a LOT of work to stay calm but you'll see your daughter will change.
The first thing you need to do is show her that no matter what you are staying calm, and you can even spoil her a little bit by doing things you really think she should do herself. This will completely surprise her and she will begin noticing how much you love her. Don't tell her off for little things and just try to have fun with her
Once you feel you can remain calm begin to tell her no sometimes but in a positive and calm way. For example, I can't stay in the bathroom with you but I will wait for you outside. Call me if you need me. If she begins to tantrum then just validate her instead of telling her off. For example oh you're so upset I can't stay, I know. Also nothing wrong with offering her a treat for something that is hard for her to do emotionally. Offer her a sticker or a little toy for going to the toilet herself and after a few times she will forget about receiving a prize. Then praise her galore when she does it herself and hug and kiss her.
Also it sounds like if shes not sleeping enough that will make her tantrum more.
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 10:35 am
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I think for the sleep thing she is old enough to understand that she needs to sleep more if shes tired. What I did is when my daughter started to cry from tiredness I would sit with her and tell her she was tired and make her acknowledge her tiredness. Then explain that if you don't sleep enough you get very tired and it makes us not feel so good. At night I would remind her to stay sleeping until she's all done being tired. Eventually she got it
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Zehava
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 10:47 am
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What does her crying bring up for you?
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QueensMama
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 11:08 am
You need to create limits and stick with them. She needs to clearly know what those limits are. All in a loving, non confrontational manner.
It may be a hard few weeks till she learns tantruming wont get Mommy to be at my beck and call but she will learn.
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amother
Black
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 11:14 am
My daughter can be the same way sometimes. What helps is when I show her that I enjoy interacting with her. Smile when she approaches, rub her back or sit her in my lap, etc. Sometimes, it may just be a bit of insecurity.
You don’t mention if there’s a younger sibling, which might bring out her insecurities more intensely.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 11:19 am
| amother [ Vermilion ] wrote: | You write that you're losing it, I know exactly how you feel and the way I handle my daughter really helps!!
The first thing you need to do is stay completely calm. Everything she says or does you can acknowledge but that doesn't mean she needs to get her way, especially since she is old enough to communicate and understand.
You need to make her feel SO loved, this doesn't mean giving in to her every request since that IS spoiling her, but you MUST remain calm and communicate.
You must remember that just because a child is feeling moody, they don't need you to fix everything but they DO need you to stay calm. Then they will learn to imitate you and know that they are safe.
It takes a LOT of work to stay calm but you'll see your daughter will change.
The first thing you need to do is show her that no matter what you are staying calm, and you can even spoil her a little bit by doing things you really think she should do herself. This will completely surprise her and she will begin noticing how much you love her. Don't tell her off for little things and just try to have fun with her
Once you feel you can remain calm begin to tell her no sometimes but in a positive and calm way. For example, I can't stay in the bathroom with you but I will wait for you outside. Call me if you need me. If she begins to tantrum then just validate her instead of telling her off. For example oh you're so upset I can't stay, I know. Also nothing wrong with offering her a treat for something that is hard for her to do emotionally. Offer her a sticker or a little toy for going to the toilet herself and after a few times she will forget about receiving a prize. Then praise her galore when she does it herself and hug and kiss her.
Also it sounds like if shes not sleeping enough that will make her tantrum more. |
Yes you said it well. I know this in theory. The best is when I handle her tantrums calmly.
Its really really hard.
But then when I tell her 5 more min to play then bath...it takes her forever and she likes to get undressed her way. Or she will freak out if I get her undressed because she wanted to make a surprise. She would make me get her back dressed. What do I do then, listen to her?
I have no way of putting pressure to move the night along when she is too busy or not in the mood of getting dressed/undressed...eating...its just so hard to remain calm and repeat what I need her to do.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 11:21 am
| amother [ Vermilion ] wrote: | | I think for the sleep thing she is old enough to understand that she needs to sleep more if shes tired. What I did is when my daughter started to cry from tiredness I would sit with her and tell her she was tired and make her acknowledge her tiredness. Then explain that if you don't sleep enough you get very tired and it makes us not feel so good. At night I would remind her to stay sleeping until she's all done being tired. Eventually she got it |
She wakes up early and will tell me that she slept so long!
Once she is up, she just can't go back to sleep.
She is wide awake and more then ready for me to be up with her.
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amother
Seafoam
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:15 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Yes you said it well. I know this in theory. The best is when I handle her tantrums calmly.
Its really really hard.
But then when I tell her 5 more min to play then bath...it takes her forever and she likes to get undressed her way. Or she will freak out if I get her undressed because she wanted to make a surprise. She would make me get her back dressed. What do I do then, listen to her?
I have no way of putting pressure to move the night along when she is too busy or not in the mood of getting dressed/undressed...eating...its just so hard to remain calm and repeat what I need her to do. |
Take the pressure away. Keep repeating to yourself it's ok if she gets to bed late today. Nothing will happen. If I am calm, everything will fall into place.
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amother
Vermilion
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:28 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | Yes you said it well. I know this in theory. The best is when I handle her tantrums calmly.
Its really really hard.
But then when I tell her 5 more min to play then bath...it takes her forever and she likes to get undressed her way. Or she will freak out if I get her undressed because she wanted to make a surprise. She would make me get her back dressed. What do I do then, listen to her?
I have no way of putting pressure to move the night along when she is too busy or not in the mood of getting dressed/undressed...eating...its just so hard to remain calm and repeat what I need her to do. |
A few things help with my daughter when she likes to do things her way.
(Firstly something you probably know is that she's just a kid so she has all the time in the world which is a good thing. Try to enjoy that time with her so she doesn't turn into an anxious adult before her time)
One thing I do is tell her ok 5 more minutes im going to wait for you in the other room. Then busy yourself with something else in the bathroom while waiting like cutting ur nails etc. My daughter loves the independence when I tell her to come after doing things 3 more times, or 2 more times since its easier than minutes. Then when she comes and I praise her she gets soo happy. I say yay you came!! Kids need independence. Maybe an egg timer would help?
If she still doesn't come after that time make sure to tell her that you said a few more minutes and therefore you expect her to listen, explain to her that you KNOW how fun it is but she can continue later. Say, you're playing a really fun game right? Ok so now it's time for a bath and after you can come right back!!!
Then she will feel shes on the same page as you and that you're rooting for her. Another thing that helps is making things fun. Say let's put bubbles in the bath!! Or let's get a special bath bowl and make water pancakes!! Or let's make an ice cream in your hair out of soap!
Also you can say hrmmm you really want 5 more minutes? Ok but as soon as I say its time for a bath you have to come soo quickly. Then have a fun practice run by saying ok let's practice 5 more minutes is over runn to the bath and then laugh with her and say ok you're amazing you can have 5 more minutes etc..
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FranticFrummie
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:38 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | my baby.
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As I was reading your post, I kept thinking "new baby, new baby, I'll bet anything it's a new baby."
BINGO!
DD is regressing. SHE wants to be the baby! She's being helpless, needy, and moody because there is a new baby in the house, and she is jealous as all heck! The more you can build her up, the less she will want to be the baby.
You have to find ways to encourage her independence, and praise her so much for being such a great sister, big girl, etc. Give her small tasks to do that she can handle, and then make a big fuss when she does them. This can be as simple as taking a baby wipe and washing down the front of the lower kitchen cabinets, or helping you fold washcloths.
Eventually she will stop thinking of herself as a baby, and will start seeing herself in a different role, and different self identity. It will take time, maybe as much as 6 months, maybe less.
A three year gap can be traumatic for a kid who's been the center of attention for so long. I'm the oldest, and my sister is 3 years younger. Our mom was constantly giving me little chores to do to keep my busy - and to keep me from attacking the new rival! 
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amother
Amber
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:42 pm
Oh that’s hard! I don’t have advice for the 5:30 thing, but I can’t imagine how exhausting that is.
When she tantrums, try validating. “Sweetie, I know that you’re so upset that I didn’t give you a kiss. You must feel so sad because I always give you one, and today I forgot. Sometimes we forget things, and it’s all ok! I will try to remember tomorrow.”
Or “you look really sad and mad! Can we talk about it?”
And set timers for the playing thing. You can easily find a visual timer. Set it to 5 minutes, and when all the red disappears then it’s bath time.
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amother
OP
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:47 pm
| FranticFrummie wrote: | As I was reading your post, I kept thinking "new baby, new baby, I'll bet anything it's a new baby."
BINGO!
DD is regressing. SHE wants to be the baby! She's being helpless, needy, and moody because there is a new baby in the house, and she is jealous as all heck! The more you can build her up, the less she will want to be the baby.
You have to find ways to encourage her independence, and praise her so much for being such a great sister, big girl, etc. Give her small tasks to do that she can handle, and then make a big fuss when she does them. This can be as simple as taking a baby wipe and washing down the front of the lower kitchen cabinets, or helping you fold washcloths.
Eventually she will stop thinking of herself as a baby, and will start seeing herself in a different role, and different self identity. It will take time, maybe as much as 6 months, maybe less.
A three year gap can be traumatic for a kid who's been the center of attention for so long. I'm the oldest, and my sister is 3 years younger. Our mom was constantly giving me little chores to do to keep my busy - and to keep me from attacking the new rival! |
No, I didnt just have a baby. She plays with her all the time. She loves her.
I give my 3 yr old soo much positive attention but if I tell her she needs to be quiet because everyone is sleeping or she would just kvetch outside my room until Mommy comes and gets her.
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amother
Orchid
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:51 pm
I have a ds the same age. It's a very hard age. validation helps him so much. When he's tantrumming, I hug him if he wants, and validate his feelings. I try to offer choices when possible. He is insistent on doing things his way, and gets angry when I forget. I try teaching him to ask me respectfully and then I listen to him. Huge win this morning- instead of getting angry at me for putting his spoon in his yogurt (he likes to do it himself), he reminded me politely beforehand to leave it next to his yogurt so he could put it in. I am so proud of him for that!!!
I try to praise him, cuddle him, play with him, redirect him (can you use your busy hands to help mommy find the puzzle pieces?), and I open his chips upside down the way he likes (and tape it shut if I accidentally opened it the "/wrong " way). At this age and stage he really needs to be listened to as much as I possibly can. As long as he requests it respectfully I am happy to listen. It's so so hard.
He went through a stage of waking up super early and of sleeping in Dh bed. But he just grew out of it. It required lots of patience love and understanding. Good luck!
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amother
Amber
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:51 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | No, I didnt just have a baby. She plays with her all the time. She loves her.
I give my 3 yr old soo much positive attention but if I tell her she needs to be quiet because everyone is sleeping or she would just kvetch outside my room until Mommy comes and gets her. |
Give her a choice between 2 different quiet activities. “Honey, everyone is sleeping now. You can play with this or with this. You get to choose”.
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amother
Orchid
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Tue, Nov 24 2020, 12:52 pm
| amother [ OP ] wrote: | No, I didnt just have a baby. She plays with her all the time. She loves her.
I give my 3 yr old soo much positive attention but if I tell her she needs to be quiet because everyone is sleeping or she would just kvetch outside my room until Mommy comes and gets her. |
My ds is the same way... have you tried a special toy or game? A story CD? Or taking turns with Dh to wake up with her? Putting her to bed later?
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