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How to give a compliment without a reward

 
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Motherhood




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:11 am
Sometimes my kids really play nicely with each other’s and I want to compliment them for this, so they know I appreciate and notice and will want to continue to play cooperatively and nicely....aka positive reinforcement. While I give them an honest compliment and sometimes even a kiss, they right away ask for a treat. This makes me avoid complimenting them, as they associate compliment =reward. I don’t think kids need to be rewarded with a chocolate every time they place nicely with each other’s, but apparently they think they do. How can I compliment them without giving a reward and still encourage their good behavior?
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amother




Saddlebrown
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:21 am
Just point out your observations
“I see how nicely and calmly you played together”
“That must have been a tough decision to share with your sister”
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hodeez




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:22 am
Tell them that. Not everything deserves a reward. Sometimes just the recognition is the reward.
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WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:23 am
I'm not sure if this defeats the purpose of what you're trying to do (which I totally get) but would you try charts that go toward a reward? The sticker on the chart "actualizes" or makes tangible your compliment, without really teaching them that each good act gets a new prize.
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Motherhood




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 10:34 am
Thanks for the replies. Shabbos morning after they let me daven/read I usually give them a chocolate, so they might think that every time they play nicely they deserve a treat. I don’t want to withhold the compliment, but they make me want to ignore their good behavior because they think they need to get something good for playing nicely.
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amother




Mint
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:49 am
Get them used to receiving compliments without treats.
Don’t withhold compliments, withhold rewards! (That’s so backward, not trying to be harsh just pointing out what’s obvious to me)
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Motherhood




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:50 am
amother [ Mint ] wrote:
Get them used to receiving compliments without treats.
Don’t withhold compliments, withhold rewards! (That’s so backward, not trying to be harsh just pointing out what’s obvious to me)

I 100% agree, I don’t know how to implement it.
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pause




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:53 am
Motherhood wrote:
I 100% agree, I don’t know how to implement it.


Just explain it.

And the next time they forget and ask you for a reward after a compliment, remind them, "Remember we spoke about enjoying the good feeling of a compliment? We don't need a treat also."
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ShishKabob




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:56 am
Motherhood wrote:
Thanks for the replies. Shabbos morning after they let me daven/read I usually give them a chocolate, so they might think that every time they play nicely they deserve a treat. I don’t want to withhold the compliment, but they make me want to ignore their good behavior because they think they need to get something good for playing nicely.
You can explain that that's a special Shabbos Treat!
Please don't hold back the compliments just because you need to strengthen yourself with saying NO to a treat afterwards.
Good luck and hatzlocha!!
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Motherhood




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:57 am
pause wrote:
Just explain it.

And the next time they forget and ask you for a reward after a compliment, remind them, "Remember we spoke about enjoying the good feeling of a compliment? We don't need a treat also."

So how do I make them “enjoy the good feeling of a compliment”? They don’t like the compliment, they like what follows.... Today when my son asked what he’s gonna get for playing nicely, I said “a big kiss”, and then did just that. I think he’s a bit disappointed and not necessarily appreciated the compliment +kiss.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 12:42 pm
my kids are EXACTLY the same way. hope I can get some good ideas here.
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womanwithaplan




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 12:56 pm
I think this is what commonly happens once kids associate that good behavior = reward.

I remember reading in a parenting book how harmful this attitude is, even though most parents don't realize it. It is essentially bribery, and once kids are "bought off", they expect their price to b paid every time lol. Not only that but they don't learn to enjoy and appreciate their achievement in itself - a key towards independence and ambition as they get older.

The solution is to motivate good behavior by commenting and praising, and treats can be given as part of routine. My kids look forward to their choc leben every shabbos morning lkovod shabbos and nothing to do with their behavior.

And by the way, there is a special connection that gets built when a child gets something nice "just because I love you."
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ChassidishMommy




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 12:59 pm
Motherhood wrote:
So how do I make them “enjoy the good feeling of a compliment”? They don’t like the compliment, they like what follows.... Today when my son asked what he’s gonna get for playing nicely, I said “a big kiss”, and then did just that. I think he’s a bit disappointed and not necessarily appreciated the compliment +kiss.

If a kiss is in place of a reward, then I get why he's disappointed Smile
I rather teach my kids to enjoy the good feeling of doing the right thing.
If they ask what they'll get for it, just say, "we play nicely because it's the right thing to do. I always feel great when I do the right thing. Even if it's hard sometimes, it's worth it. How does it feel inside when you play so nicely and share?"
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ra_mom




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 1:02 pm
It sounds like you should give them a shabbos treat shabbos morning "just because".

Don't worry about them letting you daven.

This way you can wean them off the reward aspect.
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weasley




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Nov 26 2020, 1:17 pm
My son went through a stage of doing that. I just answered saying sometimes mummy decides to give a treat for good behaviour and sometimes we dont get a treat. But I am so so proud of the behaviour!
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