How to excite DD about a shidduch?!

amother

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:30 am

My DD is a great normal BY girl from a typical heimish background..... A name came up and they are showing interest, they live nearby. We discussed it with her, but she keeps saying it doesn't interest or excite her at all. ( We hear why) But is that a reason to just drop it? She's only getting older...

amother

Pewter

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:32 am

You can't force her or convince her to become excited about someone she isn't interested in. Especially if you understand why she isn't interested. If she isn't interested, why would you even try to push it? She's the one that's supposed to marry, not you.

amother

White

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:33 am

Depends what the issue is. But either way, as trivial as it may seem to you, you ain’t the one marrying the guy.

allthingsblue

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:33 am

Yes it is a reason. Talk to her and find out what's going on. Is it just this name? Is she not excited in general? Listen to her and validate her and don't shoot down any of her feelings. If you can't be objective, arrange for her to talk to someone who is objective. Definitely listen to her. You're asking for trouble if you push her into anything.

yksraya

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:34 am

Maybe gently persuade her to give it a shot. But if she really has a point why she feels it's not for her, don't push it too much.

Is she just nervous in general to be in shiduchim, or is it just this shiduch?

allthingsblue

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that what she keeps saying. but as parents arent, we help her through it? She really does not wanna meet him.

As parents of a child ready to get married, you should support her decision. If she wants your help, help her. If she doesn't, let her decide.

amother

Mustard

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:37 am

Well, has she dated previously?
What is her specific concern about this guy?
You seem overly invested she meet this ONE person that you acknowledge has some issues. Why?

Iymnok

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:38 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that what she keeps saying. but as parents arent, we help her through it? She really does not wanna meet him.

Help her with her concerns means to respect them.
Sometimes our children make decisions that we disagree with. That’s okay.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:39 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

that what she keeps saying. but as parents arent, we help her through it? She really does not wanna meet him.

So drop it! Why is it even a question? You don't force a child to go out with someone she really doesn't want to. As parents you're supposed to listen and respect her concerns. It's not a help to force her to go out with someone she isn't interested in. You said that you can understand why she's not interested, so why do you think you're helping her by trying to push it?

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:40 am

allthingsblue wrote:

This 100%

Chayalle

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:41 am

Why the need for excitement? I encourage DD to keep a clear and level head. If there's enough there that you think she should see him, encourage her to give it a date. Let HIM get her excited! And if he doesn't, then clearly it is not for her. Even if she isn't getting any younger.

ETA: If there's a reason why she wants to reject this shidduch, and it's something concrete and important to her, then respect that.

amother

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:46 am

amother [ Mustard ] wrote:

Well, has she dated previously?
What is her specific concern about this guy?
You seem overly invested she meet this ONE person that you acknowledge has some issues. Why?

No issues involved with his guy. She is not comfortable with the family type- for starters. and she is having a hard time seeing past that. She is very family-oriented and there really is none over here.

ShishKabob

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:47 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Well THAT is a huge concern, it would be to me.

Amarante

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:49 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So there is a valid reason. She is marrying the family much more than you are.

Leave her be as she doesn’t seem to be rejecting for anything other than rational reasons. She seems to know what she wants and her wants - at least to me - are extremely valid reasons.

amother

Pewter

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:51 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

This is a VERY real valid reason for not pursuing this shidduch. She'll have to live with this her entire life. It's absolutely not something she's supposed to see past.

amother

Mustard

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:52 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think you need to stop pressuring her. As chayalle said, you aren't the one who needs to be excited about a date, she is. Again, you seem overly invested and I don't think that is helpful for this type of situation at all. Slow down. Take a breath.
Just because another side is showing interest doesn't mean you need to get all gung ho about it. Either they will date or they won't. But no reason to go crazy with excitement.
Plus, most dates don't necessarily lead to marriage. Especially if the girl already isn't interested AND is feeling unreasonable pressure from her parents.

amother

Ginger

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 11:58 am

I hear you and her. The thing is there is always going to be something that you don't like about the person/the family. If this is important to her than it's ok to say no.

amother

Thu, Nov 26 2020, 12:02 pm

amother [ Pewter ] wrote:

This is a VERY real valid reason for not pursuing this shidduch. She'll have to live with this her entire life. It's absolutely not something she's supposed to see past.

thanks for validating her feelings Very Happy

My husband tells her you don't marry the family- true to a point.
But I will back off her and respect her feelings (she is mature) And we will move forward.